Turns out our final (for chem) is 80 questions, final for world history is around 50, I have two math finals, a Spanish final (like 40 words but it’s fine it’s an oral test(or speaking idk)). Luckily my English final is basically done, just some minor revisions and changes needed but it’s fine.
All in all, I’m stressing out for no reason, procrastinating when I should be doing my review for my world final, and frustrating myself when I can be readying myself, really.
I HATE FINALS THEY MAKE ME WANT TO KMS IF I HADNT PASSED THE TEST I WAS HIGHLY STRESSING OVER TODAY I WOULDVE PROBABLG. Half kidding, I wouldn’t have but I would’ve come home n cried, likely.
I’m so done with finals week. I want it to be winter break already. Ughhhhh
Two awards for my immaculate grades n for what I only got those grades because I’m incredibly strict n hard on myself. Only cuz I refuse to do anything at home so I force myself to finish in class or at least the majority so I can finish fast at home. Then at home I reward myself with rotting in bed, ignoring my needs n stuff because it’s easy enough. Hunger? Don’t feel it much. Sleep? I’m already in bed so might as well.
I’m so tired. No sleeping fixes it, I need one long long looooong break out of school n needing to interact with people n just be able to focus on doing things I enjoy. Yet even then, I wouldn’t be able to because I don’t know what I enjoy. Soccer? It bored me, I quit it. Swimming? A hassle, I quit it. Language learning? Makes my head hurt n plus it barely sticks, mainly gave up, only indulge in small bits. Sleeping itself? Too hard to fall asleep with an overactive mind that won’t shut up. Reading and listening to music has been my one escape now, like it once was. At least it keeps me calm n my anxiety has been manageable because I keep music on, one source of noise I really needa focus on when instruction has been given.
Even though I say interacting feels slowly more like a chore, I’m grateful I put myself out there more. I’ve met many people who’ve had a positive change in my life. Many people who, despite how little we’ve interacted, have grown to be people I am excited to speak to.
I just hope I won’t mess up like I always do. I hope I won’t say something wrong like I always seem to do or hold back and not say something I want to or even mess it up when I do say it and it sounds nothing like what I meant for it to sound like.
I’ve been through so much yet so little, I’m only living my life for the first time so fear is understandable, but I know I can’t be too fearful because then I can’t experience certain things because I hold back from letting myself do/feel them.
I already find it hard to express my emotions and allow myself to wallow in them. I wish I had it easier, at least understanding how to express myself if not feeling pressured.
All of this has just been words that I can explain, because they’re negative. I csnt positively describe or explain something, it’s just stuff that literally no thinking can help, I’ll think of the same 5 things then. I hate this. Yet I don’t. I know at the end of the day this is what makes me me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Whatever, this amount of stress is normal because I haveta actually focus on my grades being good these years because then with them I can get into college and then a good career I enjoy. For now I’ll let myself go with the flow n we’ll see how I end up feeling maybe a week from now, when I have had finals all finished and maybe started having time to myself again.
