#!2015

[kissmeisanoun]

9:40AM

I woke up almost crying from a dream that felt too real and it’s scary (the dream wasn’t scary, the feeling was).

I’m not exactly sure what to do with this epiphany.

[kissmeisanoun]

9:55PM

This date will always be hard.

Today was alright until I started thinking of seven years ago.

I still remember being called out of class that day. A wednesday. Because my dad was there to pick me up and it wasn’t even noon yet and I just instantly knew. 

That she was gone, and everyone else was at home preparing for her funeral.

I remember the cab ride home, how much I wanted the driver to lose his way, make a wrong turn to prolong the journey so that he wouldn’t stop and I don’t have to get out. Return home and see her lifeless. I remember crying so much changing out of my uniform, trying to keep it together because my mum just lost her mum.

It sucks that everything I think of her, I think of the day she passed away. Of this date. That I don’t think of the times we went to the beach for a picnic. Or when she bought my five Pikachu dolls. Or lay in bed next to me, singing me to sleep. Or every other more significant event that should override the devastation of loss.

That’s the thing about death, isn’t it? You think you’re done grieving, that time heals and you’re able to celebrate life instead of mourn for the dead. You will always feel the pain and loss and no matter how long time has passed this feeling will never get better.

I miss you a lot. I always will do.

[kissmeisanoun]

It’s been an emotional week, I’d say.

This is not really about a man’s death, no. I believed he lived an eventful life. What made me a little emotional is his son.

It’s a little hard to watch a man lose his father and eulogize in the capacity of a public figure instead of a son. I felt the disconnection in his eulogy and when compared with his younger brother who fondly addressed their father as Papa, it’s heartbreaking.

This is a man who cannot show his tears in public. Who has to announced his father’s death to a country. Who gets choked up and must reclaim his composure in an instant.

I helplessly feel so much for him.

I’m fortunate to have both my parents still alive so I cannot fathom the devastation of losing one. What I’ve seen in my life, however, is when someone loses theirs. I understand how their grief is so immense that they will probably never get over it. So to see him having to keep it together, having to be a politician foremost, takes a little out.

I watched the service fairly all the way through, and that one part will always haunt me should I remember this day. That one friend who looked back towards the end of his eulogy and bade farewell with “Selamat berpisah, sahabatku. Selamat berpisah.”

[yeolliepopday]

A Yeolliepop day! Brought to you with love! [ROUND 2]

SIGN UPS ARE NOW OPEN!

[yeolliepopday]

ABOUT + CALENDAR (DATES TO REMEMBER!) [ROUND 2]

--About Hello everyone! This is purely for fun and for our love for Chanyeol! So, let's do our best and enjoy this sweet time! Let's check the rules!! --Calendar [DATES TO REMEMBER]! + Sign ups begin = March 20th, 2015! + Sign ups close = April 12nd, 2015! (Happy Birthday Sehun!)! + Assignments sent out (by e-mail) = April 22nd, 2015!! + Last day to drop out with no penalty = May 20th, 2015!! + Check in (Minimum of 1,000 words) = May 31st, 2015! + Deadline = July 13rd, 2015! + Posting begins = July 20th, 2015! + Guess who? = July 31st, 2015! + Reveals = August 3rd, 2015!! --Questions Contact me at [email protected] or drop an ask on the @askbox! Follow for updates at @twitter!

[kissmeisanoun]

11:46PM

I just watched the season finale for How To Get Away With Murder and never have I wanted summer to pass fast just so I can live without WAITING FOR ANSWERS I KNOW I'M NOT READY FOR WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF I profoundly dislike this

[kissmeisanoun]

6:45PM

everyone went to the beach while i opt to stay at home. i'm feeling extremely sluggish and i don't wish to impose my lacking enthusiasm on the family's day out.

i've been having some difficulty coping with how i feel lately. i tried breaking down everything i had to do in bite-sizes but even then i feel overwhelmed.

i wish i knew how to feel better. because everything that i've been doing lately - going out, staying home, meeting friends, talking, eating garbage, eating right - doesn't seems to be improving my mood. it's like, i don't know what's wrong and i don't know how to make this go away.

so i've been trying to focus on doing work to distract myself from feeling this. i just want to feel at least okay, since it's the lunar new year and everyone seems to be posting cute selfies of their outfits and i at least want to feel not-terrible seeing such cuteness.

i really don't know what's wrong. sigh.

p.s. have a really good lunar new year everyone♥