#!personal!

[zzzawa]

I'm still feeling very overwhelmed with personal issues in my life but I'm conflicted as to whether or not I should say that I feel like I need space or say nothing because I feel like I don't owe some people a reason for my actions... I'm very tired.

[zzzawa]

hey..... i just want to say i love you guys so much

thanks for being in my life, i’m always grateful for all the friends i’ve made and the people i’ve talked to here.

thank you thank you thank you for making my life a little more bearable

[zzzawa]

if you are ever feeling upset, sad, anxious - if you ever get to a point where you feel like you are in a negative state or in a bad place, i’m here for you.

if you need someone to talk to, someone to hear you, i am here for you. i love you so much and i do not want you to feel like you are suffering alone, or that you don’t deserve to feel this way because, “other people are struggling with something worse”, I am here.

don’t ever think that i am someone you can’t go to. i want to be here for you. my heart and my arms are open for you.

you are working so hard, you are doing the best you can and i could not be more proud of you. thank you for existing, thank you for letting me be part of your life, for sharing your hardships with me, thank you. know that i am here for you always.

[zzzawa]

hey anyone know the feeling of just.. being really unhappy and tired to talk to anyone all the time.. but at the same time you want to talk to someone about it and you end up giving all your love and support and empathy for others no matter what?? and you just can’t seem to give yourself a break because you feel like you don’t deserve a little bit of empathy or love for yourself?? even when you’re really tired and you want to talk about some stuff hurting you, you can’t bring yourself to do that? and all you can do is apologize for whatever reason and say things like ‘lol idk man i’m just sad’ but you want to be able to express more than that?? but at the end of the day you’re just like ‘oh don’t worry about me how are you!! tell me about you!! are things okay?’ and you just keep giving and giving and giving and it never feels enough??

[zzzawa]

i gotta rant 

I just...... lmfao you think i would be over talking about HS but my senior year literally done fucked me up and i fucked myself up and i just met up with this girl who i used to be so close with and i haven’t seen her in like half a decade and holy shit!! 

i’m fucking scum!! i don’t know if she even knew what happened back then, i don’t want to know, i’m scared to know, but it’s been so long! would she be mad at me?? she’s somewhat back in my life and i don’t wanna ruin that! i’ve ruined too much already and i just.. idk man i feel like i’ve missed her so much and when she hugged me it just felt so genuine, like a long-time friend who missed me and i wanted to cry because i was such an asshole.. i was so selfish back then... she is so wonderful.. i feel like i’m putting her on a pedestal but i’ve compared myself to her for so long... and i’ve been so bitter about it because i was never anything like her and i hated that, and i hated her for that, and i hated myself for that

but seeing her today felt like.. it’s okay that she’s still the way she is, and it’s okay that i’m not like her and i won’t ever be anything like her

things are in the past but i’m still stuck there for some reason??? like it’s so immature but those feelings stuck with me for so long and i did some really ugly things... not only to myself but to her too.. and idk if this is still being selfish but i just want to make things up, but maybe it’s not worth it if i can just keep a good relationship with her... 

hhhhhhh anyway she’s still so pretty i love her so much!! i can’t believe it.. 

[zzzawa]

claude n i went to portsmouth today and i got to ride on a ferry and it was really nice but while we were waiting for the ferry to leave portsmouth it was really dark and i could only see night lights reflected on the river and from the ships and it made me really sad??? it reminded me of the philippines and the smell and the cool night just kind of overwhelmed me and i started to cry 

idk it made me miss being young, seeing my late-grandmother and talking to my relatives on a daily 

all those lights remind me of taking planes to go to the PI, waking up after a 10-hour flight only to see darkness outside, not being able to tell if it was morning or night

it’s been a very emotional weekend for me

[zzzawa]

i just had an argument with claude that had to happen for the longest time.... i’m still crying about it LOL but i feel so much better after talking to him about it.. we’re just so different from each other and you’d think after so many years i would’ve figured that out but!! my dumb ass didn’t really see it in that way!

it’s really embarrassing bc i’m sure my mom heard me crying through these thin AS FUCK walls but... i’m so glad i was able to push out these negative emotions!! we talked about so much and i’m just really glad things were resolved..