last month, it felt a little like he finally ran out of luck.
him dwelling on not liking their title track much at all had him slide into.. something. a weird thing in between a newfound discontent and the spiral he’s been in ever since their rather abrupt break right after debut -- still trying his best to fully snap out of it. all the criticism from his coach about his lack of emotion while singing their new song didn’t help either, only added onto it and made him hate it a little bit more with each time that he failed at bringing across the right emotions, feelings of the song. something that’s usually his strong suit, something he’s kind of been the best at.
it’s still a hard pill for him to swallow, circles his mind a lot. his confidence suffered as well. ( not shattered but yeah. it’s already enough. )
and the disposition of some of his members the past weeks ( meaning: minho ) has been weighing down on him on top of it. worry still present, even worse after the conflict they had. it made it easy for baekhyun to feel like luck wasn’t on his side at all, some uncomfortable times he didn’t ask for because the different sides of their still relatively new life as idols are already enough to handle.
but he does think that things are slowly looking up. their schedule for the month a little more packed than it’s been in a while, not too much still though. some parts he’s been looking forward to all those weeks -- happening soon, in just a couple of days -- and they got to know the other songs for their album, had to learn all their b-sides for recording and baekhyun liked them right away. some more than others but overall, he received them well and it still feels good after disliking their title this much. likes two of them especially and that’s those he just finished recording, finally done with it.
unfortunately fits better actually.
it’s a bit saddening once he was told that he’s finished, but the praise he gets feels so soothing. feels so good. seems like luck’s returning. and it’s easy for baekhyun to leave the studio with a smile curled onto his lips.
· · · · · · · · · DE:CODE JULY SCHEDULE,
✧ ┊ 200724 、 special summer concert — mc-ing with eclipse’s joohyun
when he got selected for that special stage with seolhyun right after his group’s debut, it was nerve-wracking. gave him the jitters for obvious reasons -- they had only debuted, like, a week before the stage! were still so new to any of this despite previous experiences. nothing compared to actual debut. that, paired with his ridiculous fear of everyone being able to figure out his relationship with seolhyun simply because of them dancing and touching on a stage with each other, made baekhyun into a complete mess. nervous, nauseous. having his girlfriend by his side through this was a comfort and discomfort at the same time.
while it wasn’t too weird to be without his members it still felt a little off. a little too fast, still felt a little weird after all when they had all those debut stages together.
it had baekhyun’s head spin to be, more or less, alone but this time, it’s different;
a completely different situation that has baekhyun giddy with excitement rather struggling with nausea. is he nervous? yeah. but it feels good. he can hardly stop smiling even though he’s alone this time again.
his second time. an opportunity that feels special somehow since it’s been so long since he last got the chance to do this, mc-ing. it’s been years since he was picked to co-host the finale of the very show that pushed seolhyun towards debut but in this moment the memory feels so vivid, almost like he’s back in that moment when he checks out the crowd for the summer concert. when he hears their screams, their cheers.
baekhyun’s grip around the microphone tightens a little and his lips are still curled upwards, so wide it feels a little like it’s splitting his cheeks.
it’s different from the last time he got to mc. surrounded by girls he’s trained with for so long, sunbae and their ceo, kangjoon with him as well. this time he’s more alone, a familiar situation that’s unfamiliar at the same time but he really doesn’t mind. baekhyun just enjoys it. they get a sign that is their cue to get back on stage to host the next segment and he feels his stomach churn in excitement, throwing a look to his co-host, a girl he’s seen floating around on the internet, in the news but that he doesn’t know at all. ( he thinks he’d like to get to know her actually. ) he shows her his sparkling smile, nods at her and then, they step back on the stage.
· · · · · · · · · DE:CODE JULY SCHEDULE,
✧ ┊ 200722 、 from blonde to → brown
“are you going to dye my hair?” baekhyun asks as the stylist prepares a bowl and a brush, a hint of curiosity sitting in his voice. his eyes are on her, hers dart to him as well and she answers with a brief nod of her head. “which colour?” he adds.
she only smiles faintly though. “how about we let it be a surprise. that’s exciting, isn’t it?”
before he can even respond to the suggestion, she’s gone from his side -- to get a few more things baekhyun guesses -- and his gaze wanders from the bowl to his reflection in the mirror. he looks tired, not well-rested at all. bags under his eyes prominent, circles darker than usual and visible on his bare face and he doesn’t like it.
the last time he sat in that chair a few months ago it felt like a moment of peace. he was so calm, able to let his mind slip from all the spinning thoughts about debut and being a leader, pushing away all the pressure for as long as he was in there. it was nice, something he needed.
and he kind of wants that back.
has been looking forward to it, craves those few hours where he just shuts off and doesn’t think. baekhyun likes that, having his mind not run in circles for once ( god, he used to be so different when it came to that; not thinking enough ), but despite being so tired he feels so restless. can’t manage to lean back, to let himself fall.
doesn’t even know why it’s like that, doesn’t know why it’s like that.
at least he’s getting a new hair colour, right?
( he tries to not be disappointed when the dye’s settled and rinsed out, when the wet strands falling into his face are back to the same colour he had before they dyed it blonde. brown, hm. )
not counting the fact that he’s known each of the de:code boys for pretty much years, it’s been quite a few months that they’ve been together. soon it’s been a year since they went into special training, since they were thrown into the first preparations for debut. so, baekhyun knows them all well -- or he likes to think so, at least. he does keep an eye on them, though, to make sure they’re not overworking themselves but to keep them from slacking also. that has to count for something, doesn’t it?
well, it’s at least enough to notice when something’s up with one of the members.
like, when it’s more than just a bit of a bad mood. or some snarky attitude that’s usually not as present, different. and in minho’s case there seems to be more to it; something baekhyun can’t quite pinpoint but there’s a change. obvious when he’s been opening up a little, tearing down some walls around them only to build them back up all of a sudden. withdrawn, silent. throwing himself into practice. he’s off and at first, he decided to stay quiet, out of it, and observe.
after a few weeks he can’t anymore, though. slips into the practice room the other has been holed up in for the entire day with determination after sending every other member he’s found sticking around home for some rest and hopes of being of any help. ( he’s their leader after all. ) there’s a small smile on his face as he makes his way through the spacious room, watching minho’s reflection in the mirror. doesn’t even say anything at first but in between the routine for their new choreography, he claps his hands. a little awkwardly, considering he has a bottle of water in them. “wow, looking good,” baekhyun says and steps a little closer, holding the bottle towards him, “don’t you think a small break would be good, though?”
for some reason he’s feeling quite nervous as he takes the cellphone their manager handed over to him when he dropped him off at the dorm after practice, positioning it on the floor in front of his bed in hopefully the right angle— or any angle that will make him look good and doesn’t end up cutting half of his face off. head tilting to the side in the direction he’s tilting the phone, brows furrowed in concentration. “you asked for it two days ago, didn’t you?” sohoon hyung said with a soft curl of his lips before pushing the phone into his hands and explaining how exactly the app he wants to use works, which settings he should use since usually it’s him or someone else from the company that sets these things up. baekhyun is doing it by himself this time, though.
completely.
without any staff members, without their manager. ( “i will watch, though. to make sure you’re not doing anything stupid,” he said. ) without his members. it’s going to be his first vlive alone. just b.mil and his fans on his birthday; a little surprise gift to thank them for all their birthday wishes.
once he’s decided on a title for the live, he starts it.
B.MILIE’S SECRET BIRTHDAY PARTY~~ 💖🎁
baekhyun leans forward to the screen with a curious gaze, crossing his legs underneath him and reaches for the phone to adjust it a little more now that he can actually see himself. “does this look good?” he asks, trying to sound as if he’s fully concentrated on the task. actually, he’s just pushing for more time to let fans see the notifications for his vlive on his phone. waiting for more fans to join and he can barely hide the smile that’s curling onto his lips when he sees the comments rushing past, viewer and heart count going up more than he expected it would.
leaning back against the end of his bed, he drops his hands in his lap and just stares at the screen, smiling.
the comment section is full of greetings and even more birthday wishes and there are a lot of crying emojis as well, fans expressing their surprise and happiness. baekhyun’s glad that he could make them this happy already -- he didn’t even do anything yet. so he raises his hands and waves them in front of the screen, “hello,” grinning at himself, “it’s b.mil! hello, hello.”
“i thought i’m going to surprise you, are you happy?” baekhyun laughs as the comments tumble in, “oh, i’m glad. thank you for all the birthday wishes. thank you so much, it made my heart all warm.” he runs his fingers through unruly locks. “shall we have a birthday party together?”
“just a little one because it’s late and i want you all to get enough sleep. you have school tomorrow, don’t you?” leaning in a little, he squints his eyes to read the comments. trying to see which one he can catch because they vanish again because of all the spam. “some of you have to work tomorrow? me too, i wish i could sleep in… i don’t like getting up early, but i’ll work hard for all of you!”
he falls silent for a moment, just reading through the comments and humming along to them as if he’s having a conversation with someone. as if he wasn’t completely alone in his shared room after nicely throwing his roommates out.
“oppa, please wish me luck for my exam tomorrow,” he reads out loud, “you have an exam tomorrow? isn’t it a bit early? ah, it’s for cram school? i see, i see. good luck then! just stay calm even when you don’t know an answer and don’t forget to read through everything once before you turn it in. i always forgot… i bet my grades would have been better if i did that each time.” laughter escapes him as fans ask him about school, his grades.
conversations moving along quickly and baekhyun finds himself more often than not staying silent. just trying to read what everyone’s writing.
fans ask him about it, whine about him being too quiet.
“ah, why? i’m trying to read everything you write but you’re all so fast. i thought i was quick at typing.” he chuckles. “you want me to tell you about my birthday?”
he does.
tells them how the whole group woke him up in the morning just for seonho to smash his face into some birthday cake -- the de:code tradition that he loves so much and considered banning forever in the very moment frosting and buttercream stuck to his cheeks and eyelashes. he makes sure to mention how he had an easy day when there was only practice in store for him and how he spent his breaks reading through their birthday wishes. “my mom called me really early to gratulate me. she even sent me some cake,” baekhyun says and smiles, “actually—” he goes on and gets up from the floor with a grunt before walking around the room to get the cake he just told everyone about. grabbing it from the desk he left it at before getting ready for the live.
“—i have it right here,” he continues as he drops back down in the spot he was in before, a plate with a cake in his hands. simple white frosting, strawberries and long, thin candles on top. of course, his mom sent him more than just that, something to share with the members and a birthday card. a bracelet as a small gift that he’s still wearing despite being in his pajamas. “i thought that it would be nice if we ate it together.” baekhyun chuckles, a sheepish expression on his face as he shows the cake from all angles, careful that it doesn’t slip on the floor.
“do you like that idea?”
another laugh comes from him at the overwhelming response and he lifts his fork up to point at the phone screen. “okay, then let’s sing for me first, hm?” he licks his lips. “one. two. three.”
he sings quietly to himself;
breaks out into shy laughter in between but goes on until his birthday song is over. “i hope you all sang with me! it’s not embarrassing since it’s for me, right? right? let’s eat now, my mom bakes really well so i’m sure it tastes amazing…” and right when he’s about to dig his fork in, the door to his room opens. without a knock, just like that. it startles baekhyun, makes him flinch a little.
“hyung—”
that whine is familiar and baekhyun can’t help but grin when he sees seonho standing in between the door frame with a pout on his lips and shoulders hanging low all while the chat is going crazy over the voice they just heard.
“hyung. the others are watching a horror movie even though i said i don’t want to see one because it’s scary and— wait, are you eating cake? without me—” seonho is walking over to him as he speaks, whines at him, before he notices the cake sitting in his palm. baekhyun can see the surprise all over his face, followed by his tongue swiping over his lips. ( seems like baekhyun won’t share this cake with his fans only. ) “why didn’t you call— oh,” the younger’s gaze falls onto the phone on the ground in front of him. “what are you doing?” he bends his body low to take a peek at the screen. “are you doing a vlive?”
baekhyun can hear the excitement in his voice.
“yeah. for my birthday.”
“hello! hello!” seonho’s already leaning towards the phone, not quite listening anymore, and waving wildly. baekhyun sees the wide, happy smile that’s spreading across his lips on the screen. “i missed everyone, how are you?”
and he can’t help himself but to laugh at the cuteness dripping from seonho’s voice as he sits down right in front of the phone, reading the comments and greeting everyone back. a stream of hello’s falls.
“yes, i threw the cake at hyung’s face. it was so much fun!”
“where is shion oppa? where is vici oppa? you’re asking a lot about everyone. they’re watching a movie in the living room but it was a scary one and i got scared..”
“why i’m still awake? why not, it’s not that late yet. because of school? i don’t want to go.. it would be a lot more fun if we all could go together, wouldn’t it?”
all of a sudden, seonho drops back into his lap and baekhyun lifts the cake up to keep it from being squished. “hyung, i want to eat cake with everyone too,” he says and baekhyun uses the hand with the fork to pat his head, humming at him.
“let’s eat it together.”
and it ends up with baekhyun feeding the younger in between snatching bites for himself as well. both of them telling the fans to keep this a secret from the other members, laughing, and baekhyun thinks that it’s a pretty neat birthday after all.
with the month still being rather empty for most of the members despite the news of their first comeback and new lines to learn, there hasn’t been much to do than regular practice, going through their already released songs and choreographies over and over again to burn them back into their minds. some lounging around back at the dorm has been an option too but not one that baekhyun likes much -- always scared of ending up slacking off too much. of getting lazy and adding to the weird mood he’s been in ever since their break. those post-debut blues. baekhyun wants to get out of it rather than sinking into it even more.
which is one of the reasons why he slips off the couch after mindlessly staring at the screen of the television, leaving the other members watching and dozing off behind to get back to his room.
one of his roommates is in there, the one he was actually hoping to find, and he throws him a smile despite it getting unnoticed with how kangjoon seems to be focused on the few papers in his hands, has baekhyun wonder if he’s preparing for his solo schedule. he sits down at the edge of his own bed, wiggling his legs a little. “seunghwanah,” he asks to get the other’s attention, “do you want to go out for a bit?” he knows that kangjoon has to prepare for stuff too, is going to be busier than him, but he’s the one baekhyun wants to spend time with right now. the best person to do this with -- “get some ddeokbokki and something to drink maybe?”
their break lasted for almost a month. long enough to fall too far after the high that debut gave him, after all those feelings of excitement and the nerves, after weeks of promotions and packed schedules that had them fall into bed in the latest hours of the night only to get back up for the same routine a few hours later. ( suddenly there was nothing. ) it almost felt for baekhyun like he was drifting back into a low that he never fully got out from and it’s why he’s having trouble getting back into the right mindspace after they’re shown the song for their first comeback. when they’re dismissed with new lines to learn and something different to practice after a long while.
baekhyun studies them, practices, but he doesn’t quite feel them.
his vocal coach complains about the lack of emotion when he sings, tells him that it’s a surprise when it’s usually one of his strengths together and that he should pull himself together, it beats him down a little. has him press his cheek against the surface of the kitchen table while everyone is using the rest of their night in their own way; relaxing and unwinding. recharging. baekhyun’s gaze slips to jaehyun in the seat next to him, playing on his nintendo switch in full concentration.
the desire to talk to him is strong. to spill what’s been weighing down on his chest all evening but he’s not sure if he can. he’s the leader, he has to be strong. “what do you think about our new song, jaehyunnie?” he asks out of the blue, instead.
they’re rookies. still a new group and it has been roughly two months since their debut but some of the members are already getting love calls from other projects and baekhyun’s amazed, happy for them and also incredibly proud -- it means they stuck out. but on the days they’re off for their first solo projects, the dorm feels a little too empty. with most of the rest back at the company for some practice baekhyun has to get used to the silence that usually only fills their home when everyone’s asleep. they’re nine boys after all. it’s bound to get loud.
but he’s not completely alone, at least.
crossing the short distance through their dorm to get to the room that has the youngest members in them and peeking inside without knocking. he knows it’s alright when the door’s ajar like this. “seonnie,” he says with an expression that turns soft instantly, “i cut some apples. come eat,” is added before baekhyun disappears again, waits for the younger to come out into the hall. he smiles, throwing a look around. it really is so quiet, huh. he should text the others to come back home soon, should remind them that it’s getting late.
