#;hidden

[chvyim-blog]

- - - - s l e e p l  e  s s

- - - awake, his mind running, he woke up in another part of his flat again. sweat covered his skin, eyes darting around to see where he was. in the bathroom.

the white walls, the cold hard floor, it all seemed suffocating. he couldn’t find the escape, the door handle.a way out of his thoughts, he needed to run, which he wasn’t able to. all he remembers was this one moment, this one moment of waking up after doing a bad thing, after letting the demons that overcame him in his peaceful state.

- - - - - soon he wore a new fresh set of clothes, layering up even in this summer heat. he didn’t felt like being under people, yet he was still on the busy streets, searching for any kind of abstraction that followed with lust, messed up people. messed up minds, anyone he could empty himself out on, anyone he could use his anger on.

the walk, the attemnpted escape ended up in his own car, deciding to sleep there for more, scared he might end up walking again, he locked himself in.

the curse still lies in his mind, the curse he gained, the curse he deserved.

- - - - already dreading after the sun who slowly creeped from behind the clouds

[jvnor-blog]

Do you ever just feel so broken and nothing can fix it? That what should have been fixed... is still cracking?

It hurts.

It hurts to continue to slowly crack, but never fully shatter. The constant feeling of trying to find the perfect balance only to consistently lose it... it fucking sucks.

And what scares me is..

I don't know how to get myself out of this shell.

I feel trapped... lost.. alone. Every small thing that reminds me of the past, the what if's... the gray areas... they keep me here. And right now, it feels as though I am constantly running to find myself back where I began.

I don't feel okay.

I'm not okay.

I'm tired of being here and smiling when all I can think of doing is crying. I'm tired of trying to look strong because that's the only way I may be accepted. I'm tired of being yelled at for believing in things I believe in, feeling the way I feel... I fucking am tired. 

The more the tears constantly stream from my eyes the more I forget my value. I have forgotten my worth. I have forgotten the one thing that made me special. The one thing I shouldn't have forgotten. I forgot how to find happiness in the smallest things. I forgot how to make myself happy, rather than depend on others.

Yeah, it's typical to say life is hard. It's considered weak to want to give up... but right that, that's all that can come to my mind. Wanting to leave... wanting to just take a break from all this... life is hard. Life is suppose to be hard... but right now, it's a little too much for me.

[bxhyvn]

At 19, you've never had a kiss before?

Despite his desire to appear calm and collected, Baekhyun was unable to control the rosy hue of his cheeks as he pondered the question. He cleared his throat, obviously embarrassed.  ”Never..”He replied, blinking obliviously. Was it strange of him not to have experienced a kiss at his age? Surely not… Right? He scratched his cheek with the tip of his index finger, and tilted his head. “Is that odd?”

[chachixit]

January 28, 2014. 18:59.

"I-It can't be..." Chachi clutched her head, having a migrane. First, her prince leaves her, then her brother -- who she thought left her for good -- suddenly returns. It was too much for her. Everything became dizzy for her. The lights spun, her ears were filled with so many voices. The negativity was getting the best of her.

Her brother. Her Gege. He left her so unexpectedly. That added up to her list of why she thought she should leave. Now he suddenly returns. She hit him with all her might, angry and disappointed. "Why did you leave, Ge? You could've told me what was wrong.." His figure stayed still, but luckily he caught her just as she was about to hit he ground.

Her relationship. She didn't know where it stood anymore. It was early to say, but she thought of him to be the love of her life. Her knight in shining armor, her Jack Dawson, her prince. Yet at the same time, she knew it wouldn't last. She knew that she would screw up everything. Losing the best boyfriend she's ever had. "I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry for hurting you. I've apologized so many times, I know. But I just want you to know how sorry I am. You obviously deserve better than me. Especially after what I did. And I also want you to know this.. That'll love you until I die. My first love." She remembers what he always told her. "I'll love you... Now and forever. Always."

She remembers that night. The shot. Her side gave an aching pulse just by the thought of it and she held back her scream of pain. Her heart was what mattered at the moment. She heard of people actually dying from heartbreak. Maybe that's how she'll end. How her life will come to a close.

She has screamed out her frustration tons of times, but that never helped. She wanted to talk to someone. Anyone. But she didn't want to feel like a burden when she was already broken.

She wanted to run away, to leave, to die. She wanted to disappear off the face of the earth. Anything to get her away from her worst nightmare. Maybe even leave this place and start anew. She didn't know. But reality kept her feet glued to the ground, paralyzed. She no longer knew what to do. What she did instead: Her whole body failed on her and she collapsed.

She couldn't help it. The negativity got the best of her.