Journal #01: Merry Christmas, Kiss My Ass. Triggers: Death mention, addiction mention, drug mention, cursing.
Here we are again; the Christmas season.
I think a part of me may have been expecting this year to be different, to not be like it's predecessors. Yet, as always, I was wrong. The holidays get harder every year without them, especially Christmas. I can handle Thanksgiving, Easter and even Halloween or some other stupid holiday that we celebrate for one day but has no real meaning, it's just Christmas that gets me. Something about the stupid decorations with the lights that follow you everywhere and an abundance of other elements that make me want to crawl into bed and not return until New Year's has passed -- by which time I'll probably have gotten over 'it', as though it's something you can just heal with time. Christmas is a stupid holiday, and it's too close to Thanksgiving/New Year so you just spend so much money in the holidays it's terrible and I'd be much happier if Christmas was one of those things that died out, that we stopped teaching the coming generation and instead told stories of Christmas passed. Once you hit twenty, it stops being fun. For me, at least.
If it wasn't for the signs everywhere that 'Santa' is coming back, I would most likely completely forget about this holiday all together. Santa is supposed to bring gifts to good kids, right? Then where's mine? Why did I have to have the two things that made life bearable snatched away from me, just days before this stupid fucking holiday? How is that fair? I was good. I got clean, I got my shit together, I did everything the damn programs told me to, so why do I still have to suffer? If there was a way I could go back in time, I'd tell myself to not get clean. I'd tell myself to fuck the program and fuck what everyone else wants; it makes life enjoyable so go for it. Fucking blaze it when it's not 420 and fuck whoever looks at you twice. If it makes you feel something, then why not? What's wrong with wanting to feel? Wanting to make sure you're still alive? People act as though it's all so 'taboo' and 'unruly' but if it gets you through the day then fuck it.
I'm done. This holiday is stupid, me writing this was stupid and everything is just fucking stupid.