#;shards

[ofstarsxsins]

" I don't know how they do it... " Raziela let out a soft sigh. " I feel like no matter what I say, he never listens. I know he doesn't meant to... he's just so easily excitable and wants to get rid of excess energy... " Mothers with very active children were a mystery. She could hardly control someone who is supposed to be an adult.

[recallibrations-archive-blog]

lips taste of wine {aka me expressing my stucky feels into writing}

[ he'd done the exact thing he'd promised never to do.    the words he'd threaded through his mind on days that Steve wasn't thinking straight. On days that he thought that world wouldn't care, but the world did care. they cared too much about other people's business.

                            d o n ' t  t a k e  a d v a n t a g e  don't you dare                 { dare }                   { dare } take advantage of  steve  rogers when he's not thinking straight.                                                      drunk was not thinking straight                                                      lightweight steve rogers, two drinks                                                     and he was far gone. his mind wasn't there                                                      and suddenly, he was so different.    bolder — braver —

and he'd gone against his thoughts don't take advantage of steve rogers. ]

[ morning after   steve was gone   of course he was. ]                                            [ early morning, waking up                                              darkness enveloping him.                                               his arm reaching out to steve                                              only to find he wasn't there. eyes opened                                                and blankets tangle around him as he rolls                                              onto the other half of the small bed,                                                his face burying into the other pillow                                               knowing the scent of steve was still there.                                              a deep sigh leaves his lips ] 

[ he knows too well   that he shouldn't have  complied with steve.   drunk.   he'd been drunk.   'don't take advantage of steve rogers'    don't let steve rogers say he loves you; say you're beautiful; say that he only wants you to be there from the rest of his life; trace the lines of your face carefully. don't let yourself taste the alcohol on his lips. ] 

            d o n ' t  t a k e  a d v a n t a g e  o f  s t e v e  r o d g e r s  

[ he lifts himself from the bed long minutes later, taking more time necessary. hands grasp the sheets as he holds himself up with bare arms. a moment passes and he pushes himself sitting, feet resting on cold wood. ] 

[ beautiful     handsome        perfect            bucky ]                             [ don't listen to it                                                        you shouldn't have let him                                                           not when he doesn't know what he's doing. ] 

[ light fingers tracing his face         all the lines             the crevices                 light tugs on hair                    threaded fingers though                      grown out hair ]             

[ hands re-grasp the paper the sheets by his thighs, but quickly they untangle and elbows dig into the line of his shorts, bone digging into flesh and flesh to bone as his head rests sharply in open hands. he feels like screaming, knowing he's done something terribly wrong. ]

[ he could feel    steve's hands touching his skin      his hair        and light, whispered words          filling the space between           his mouth and steve's. ] 

[ he told himself to forget. he had to forget and stop this he had to stop being foolish. to get up and forget it.    he'd already broken his promise to himself. to not take advantage of steve rogers. what had he done? he'd been selfish and greedy. he wanted steve's hands tracing his skin, he wanted the smaller man pressed against him, soft breath on his neck, and it was horribly selfish, he knew it.

                              and didn't care ] 

[ being struck breathless    just by an accidental touch    a light word      a drunken confession.   breathless because of     small fingers grasping his       soft lips, touching his         tasting like alcohol    breathlessness after     light fingers on his skin       light fingers on day old stubble         light lips pressing against seeming every           centimeter of his body.    breathless just because steve is      steve       and he doesn't want him to be anyone else         he doesn't want his dreams to be filled with anyone else           he doesn't want the tiny space next to him filled with             anyone else ] 

[ it was a long time before he stood up, his eyes wet with tears. tears not of regret { no he'd never regret. } tears of guilt. tears that came while praying, "forgive me, father, for i have sinned." because he has sinned. he was there to protect steve, keep him from drunken confessions that he didn't mean, keep him from anything that would threaten him. and had he? the opposite had happened. he didn't stop himself. if he couldn't even do that how could he help anyone else. ]

[ deep breaths as he wiped his eyes, telling himself that steve wouldn't know. he'd be hungover like hell, and wouldn't remember. that's how it always was. only he remembered.     and god, did it hurt ] 

[xvigoureux-blog]

continued from (x)

It happened faster than he could have reacted to. A word that didn’t sit right. The tension of countless worries within his body that tormented him slowly. Anger about himself. And of all persons he punished the one closest to him.

He regretted what he had done the second right after. When he saw the pain within his lover’s eyes and the disbelief about such thing to happen. His hand felt like a traitor. Like a tool he was not allowed to use anymore; the tingling sensation from the slap burning like a hellfire on his skin. Words failed to leave his mouth; no phrase suiting enough to serve as compensation for the horrible mistake he had done. Levi felt something crumble between them. A crack dangerously ripping on what they called an intimate relationship.

He watched the other approaching and almost expected to be hit back, but what he did was much more of a punishment than anything else. Indifference, silence. Not an action that mirrored his but one that showed just how hurt Levi was. The man felt his heart sinking into his stomach and his chest growing tight. No amount of air was enough to fill his lungs sufficiently and there were still words stuck. He wanted to apologize; take the other’s face and cup it in his hands and kiss him. Just to show him how much he regretted doing something so vile to someone he loved so very much.

Words cut into his being. The tone in which they were carried to him served as a devastating poison and the feeling of slowly losing what was dear to him. It was the moment when his twin went through the mirror Levi’s body finally moved. He turned around rapidly. "Levi!" Feet approached the mirror in the fastest pace he could manage right now, slipping through it. Normally he would have left the other alone, so he would have some time to settle down, but this time he knew he would lose him if he did.

He spotted him within the office he ended up in and shook his head. “I don’t know what came over me.” Please don’t leave me.

          Once he was back in his own office, he allowed his shoulders to slump forward, looking down at his feet. The urge to trash the entire room was strong, but he lacked the energy or the will to do so. Maybe it was the idea of destruction what appeared to be relatable to him. But deep down he knew that he wouldn't be comfortable having to deal with the consequences of making a mess out of this place.

          He was strong. He wouldn't allow himself to crumble.

          That was what he told himself, a mantra repeating again and again in his mind. And yet his free hand clawed at his chest and his teeth dug into his bottom lip, slowly backing until he was leaning against the wall. Levi wondered whether it had been his fault. Had he provoked his ire somehow? He shook his head, slowly. That didn't justify his twin's actions. How could he? How dare him do that to him? In, out. He focused on his breathing, keeping the sobs that threatened to escape his throat at bay, lips trembling.

          He certainly wasn't expecting the other to follow him through the breach between both of their worlds. The doppelganger wasn't welcome right now. He needed time to think, to calm down, to let it all out so he could think clearly--- and yet he hadn't been given even such a simple thing like that. Levi shook his head in distaste, wincing as the movement caused the injury to throb harder under his hand. 

          "Do you think that is a good excuse? Get out." The captain wasn't in the appropiate state of mind to even want the other anywhere closer than he already was. It was suffocating, how he had to keep his breakdown in control just because he had decided to come all the way here. Deep down, he had mixed emotions. Of course he wanted to be caged by those arms pulling him close.

          But it hurt too much.