The Perfect Christmas Present (for a Jew)
I would like to tell u a story and like all good stories it starts... Once upon a time …and like all good stories there’s a struggle, a longing and then when hope is almost gone a miracle happens.
Once upon a time there was a woman who had an awesome life. She traveled the world and worked with fashion designers, dated male models and partied with rock stars but her heart was empty. She tried to fill the emptiness with lovers and designer clothes and exotic vacations but nothing filled the gaping hole in her heart.
That woman was me. I was in my early 30’s and it was the naughty 90’s. I was was a fashion stylist and editor. Styling Big Brand Commercials, Print Ads, Rock Stars and Fashion Magazines. Sony, Coca Cola and L’Oreal, Brett Micheals, Bon Jovi, Hall & Oats , The Fashion section of the NY Times and the Italian Magazine Donna were among my daily clients. No matter how successful I was my heart was empty. I was so blessed that my career took me to so many wonderful places and introduced to me to all types of amazing people but I seemed to always be searching for that something or someone to fill my aching heart. I even changed careers to become a photographer mid decade thinking that being the creator would help the loneliness and despair I felt within.
One sunny day my career took me to a palm tree shaded neighborhood in the outskirts of Miami where i met the most adorable 2 year old and his mom. She was bright, loving and seemed so well adjusted as she told me her tale of becoming a single mother by choice. I knew right then and there that everything I was blessed with needed to be shared with my own child. I knew that I needed to fill my heart with giggles and blue ices and rollercoaster rides, fill my heart with the simplicity of childhood. I realized the cure for my ache was becoming a mother.
But like all good stories, this revelation was just the beginning of a long and painful journey. I signed up at a sperm bank and chose my child’s father from a stack of dossiers. I chose a Sperm donor #6930, a 6 foot tall, dark haired Ivy Leagued Russian scholar who I nicknamed Ivan. For over a year I monitored my cycle and did artificial insemination with Ivan twice a month and and a turkey baster. And after a year of failure and my biological clock passionately ticking away I invested the last of my savings into a round of artificial insemination. My hormones were raging from both the drugs and this secret desire to be a mom. The IVF didn’t work and I was referred to a fertility specialist. It seemed like the ache in my heart was growing to a cavernous level that could never be filled. It took 6 more months before I had a my appointment with a renowned fertility specialist who basically told me my clock had stopped ticking. His solution was I should buy donor eggs. Donor eggs and Sperm from a sperm bank was his solution. He even suggested how I could get discount eggs! .
At that very moment I had an epiphany that pregnancy was not the only way to fulfill my desire to become a mother. I thanked him for his time with tears in eyes and left his office with a bit hope filling the emptiness in my heart. It had taken almost a decade since I had decided to become a mother and I was 43 years old but so much had changed the world around me and with me. Michelle Pfeiffer, Madonna, Sharon Stone and Rosie had all become single mothers by choice as well as everyday, hard working middle aged woman. Single motherhood was all the rage and I felt comfortable talking to everyone about the possibilities of adoption.
I photographed families and kids and openly envied the adorableness of each and every baby I captured through my lens. Then one day as the holidays were approaching and that emptiness of not having a family started creeping into my heart again another amazing woman with the most adorable 6 year old daughter shared her personal journey of motherhood as she handed me a tattered business card and said I too could become a mom.
On the card was printed Steve Sklar, Adoption lawyer with an 800 phone #. I immediately called the # and was told they had a new jersey office and could meet with me in less than a month and discuss my options. Visions of childhood danced in my head and filled my heart again with the hope of giggles, and rollercoaster rides and blue raspberry ices.
My 44th birthday approached and days afterwards I met with the lawyer and he explained the process of domestic adoptions. My choices were varied and in a split second I decided the only thing that was important was I wanted a newborn with 10 fingers and toes. I didn’t care about race or sex or anything else.
So much to do to get ready for my bundle of joy that my heart was filling up with the hope on anticipation. Home studies, and legal stuff as well as referrals from the community to gather and a heartfelt dossier of pictures and words of why I wanted to be a mom addressed to an unknown woman somewhere in the country who would read it and chose me to her babies mommy. Somehow this all seemed manageable and easier than anything else I had tried but to guard myself from another devastating blow of defeat I gave myself a deadline. This would happen within the year and if my 45th birthday came first I would just give up and not look back. My heart just could not fill up and empty out so many times without becoming permanently broken so I swore I would be happy knowing that I gave my all to the journey of motherhood.
Unfortunately there was even more heartache to come. My family were all adamantly against my decision to become a mom on my own and would not discuss the process with me. Three birth mothers chose me, only to renege on the option of adoption at the last minute. One as I was was on route to the hospital, another newborn 4. 3 oz bundle of joy was placed in my arms in April but then when she was suppose to be released from the Neonatal Unit the birth mom changed her mind. Each time the agony of loss was more excruciating but my heart was still filled with idea of mommyhood. I photographed at carnivals and beaches and lovingly captured childhood for families across the country as I ached for my own.
Like all good stories, , when you wait long enough and you believe eventually something positive happens. And it did! … On one very cold gray December day a few weeks before my 45th birthday the phone rang. I almost didn’t answer as the holidays were approaching and i just couldn't bare another mindless sales call or worse an invite to some friends joyous family get together. I did answer the phone and on the other end was literally an angel. Well an angel in a bit of a bind. Someone who needed me as much as I needed her. A young woman named Dawn, who had a baby in her tummy but no room in her heart for the little soul would be arriving into the world very soon! It seemed that she thought I would an awesome mommy to the baby in her tummy. One heart would be healed and the other would be filled with smiles and roller coasters and blue ices and the mummy rides at st leos fair. A win win situation.
So that December I thought would be my saddest ever became so joyous as I filled my home with all that would make make my baby giggle and grow in this wonderful world. Friends and clients from far and wide brought cribs and cradles and bottles and bibs, high chairs and playpens, swings and stuffe animals, blankets and lovey’s and so many things that my home was filled just like my heart.
The days passed, my 45th birthday came and went and the holidays were looming and the angel lady with the baby in her tummy stopped calling. I just couldnt believe another birth mom had changed her mind. It seemed I was living a nightmare and there would never be a happy beginning to my story. Hanukkah passed and then Christmas eve did to, and the ache in my heart was just unbearable. The sun was rising on a cold barren christmas morning and the phone rang at 6:45 AM and I just couldn bear to answer and hear some joyous well wishing friend with a loving family invite me to spend a merry day with them. I did finally answer the ring and it was Dawn, that lovely angel lady with a baby in her tummy wishing me the Merriest Christmas. Well she didn't actually wish me a merry christmas , she told me she was on the way to the hospital and I should come as soon as I could to meet my baby. Literally, I grabbed a suitcase of diapers and onesies and a pile of cash and raced to the airport as she was in Tennessee ( i forgot a change of underwear and a warm jacket for myself).
I arrived in the hospital when the sun was gently setting behind the mountains, walked down the longest corridor in the biggest hospital I had ever been to. Every step was filled with boo boos and band Aids and kisses and pool splashes and homework and Saturday morning cartoons and pajama days and movie nights. All the things that fill a heart and make a mommy: As I walked down that hall I knew I was walking into the beginning of my happy story. I was becoming a mom and I knew it would be the greatest journey I would ever take.
I opened the hospital door and there was this tiny precious bundle of poop and burps and diapers and onesies who swaddled tighly in his hospital blanket and smiled right at me. He had the biggest smile a tiny little soul could ever have and my heart was immediately filled with something so big andI just didn’t know how to describe it. It was love
And our life as a family started. Yes it was filled with smiles and giggles and glee and definately blue raspberry ices and rollercoasters and mummy rides at St Leos fair . And so much more, good things and hard things and funny things and even some sad things but mostly so much more then I could have ever dreamt of. Two moms, a birth mom and an adoptive mom together healed each other’s hearts and a tiny little soul is growing up to become a shining star.
When he was just 4 years old he looked at me one Christmas morning as he was opening his presents and said Mom it’s amazing that everyone celebrates my birthday. On Christmas Morning please remember to wish Jake happy birthday as I will always remember to wish all a very merry!
http://www.app.com/picture-gallery/entertainment/2017/12/13/jersey-storytellers-home-for-the-holidays/108587382/
