The night he was kicked out of Chuuya’s apartment, Dazai didn’t feel good. Yes, he felt suicidal but at the same time, it seemed like some bonds were holding him back. He gave his promise to the redhead, after all. Even if he might not to see him anymore. And exactly these suicidal tendencies. created such a situation.
Chuuya always seemed to want him to be honest. And while his honestly usually ruined more than repaired and irritated the other, he decided to give it its last chance. It was either going to repair this stupid situation or fuck it all up even more.
He knew he was not going to visit the other after being kicked out and Chuuya was unlikely to come to him or call him back so he took some paper, a pen and wrote a letter:
You’ve always seemed to want me to be honest even thought you’ve often got irritated by the same honesty and at times, I dare to say that I was punished for it and made me regret it but at the same time, the more I used it with you, the more unguarded I became and pretending got gradually much harder. But as it doesn’t seem to work well and got me kicked out from you, I’m giving it it’s last chance. Only because it feels like I have to do something and writing it down like this is much easier than facing your wrath (oh, bless the times when I actually enjoyed it!)
I want to say that this... this day went wrong at more fronts than just one. I’m clueless about what to do. Among other things, I realized how I willingly let you to do anything you want to me, letting you yell at me, beat me up and kick me out without any fighting. It’s scary, isn’t it? After such a long time of controlling myself, I suddenly gave up my whole control to one person. I’m sure it’s not healthy and it doesn’t even feel good, I just don’t know what I should do.
You see, I really have to think lowly about myself, huh? The way I openly told you today and got a punch for my honesty. I know I’m quite a trash in this but it’s not like I’m going to feel any different anytime soon. I just think of how much better it would be if I just shut up and didn’t speak up my thoughts.
And that’s also what pushed to you actually get to that silly bridge, right? My honesty about how much I wished to die... see, I really can’t see any advantage of being open if it just seems to ruin everything and create much more problems. There are many reasons why I started to pretend so many years ago, you see?
And, I have to admit I don’t know why I got kicked out today at all. If I did anything to offend you, then I apologize but I can’t help but feel bitter about it. Yes, you told me I could hit you or yell and you and you didn’t say I was allowed to kiss you but there is no way I would yell at you. Or hit you. I just... well, it just hurts too much. If you receive it from someone you love. So, I couldn’t do it and I wouldn’t even find it in myself to do so. And since you seemed to be okay with that, I thought I could let my anger out like you told me it’s good to do so I thought kissing you in that way was as any good of a way as any. Well, it turned out to be a disaster. And all because I didn’t control my emotions and my actions just then. Again.
It keeps happening over and over and over again and I can see that honesty is what is ruining it all. And yet I can’t go back to pretending everything in front of you. What should I do?
Without writing his name at the bottom of the paper, he folded it in an envelope and left his apartment to get back to Chuuya’s, just putting it inside of his mailbox and then walking back to his apartment, not sure about his choices anymore.
