@detouch (x)
trish likes the crain family. she likes them because sometimes she can imagine what it’s like to have a family around them.
(mom’s always mad at her. she knows why. she’s stupid and she does stupid things. she’s too big for her age and she’s too tall. she cries too much and too loud and she’s learned to be quiet when she cries instead of loud because if mom hears it she’s going to be in trouble. and if she wasn’t always so stupid then maybe mom wouldn’t be so mad. but she thinks she doesn’t know what she’s doing wrong.)
she’s sitting at the table with theo. she tucks her hair behind her ears (when they’re older, theo will watch her do exactly the same thing), a big motion that it takes her whole body to do. there’s a rubber band ball squeezing in her gut all the time and some little things make it looser. really, nothing does.
her eyes are big and green and her hair used to be in a messy ponytail, all these bright yellow curls, and it slowly fell out of the ponytail holder and now it’s soft and so gold it’s around her shoulders. this is why she keeps tucking it neatly away.
“i wish I could stay here. with you,” her voice is small, really small, like maybe a talking cricket or something so small, “mom would be mad at me. I have to do an audition in the morning. the thing for tv commercials. i just don’t... want to.”
she pouts. mom’s always kind of there, in her head. pats, don’t be ungrateful. I sacrifice everything for you and you complain? so like a spoiled brat.
thinking about it makes her want to cry. the rubber band ball gets tighter.
“acting’s— not like the movies yet. i want it to be. like scarlett, in gone with the wind you watched with me. i want to be beautiful and so good everyone can watch me on a tape like that. but now it’s boring and it makes me tired. i don’t like any of the grownups i have to talk to but pretend i like. i want to go to school tomorrow and just— eat lunch with you.”
trish’s feet almost touch the floor. she hates this. she doesn’t want to be bigger. (mom always gets mad.)
if she’s bigger, everyone will see her. and she wants nobody to see her. not ever. maybe nobody except theo.