#{ because... why not? }

[m-random-stories-and-ideas]

One of my favourite "headcanons" (in this case, shorthand for "ideas I entertain but might not make canon") is that Kyrox can purr.

[trekumykumy]

Headcanon 1

In a corner of Kano’s closet, far from the sight of any curious, rest him most precious treasure... An old red scarf...

[jxniel-archived]

Confidence

{ The title’s in French, meaning that its definition greatly differs from the word in English. Or not really, since it has the same meaning if you don’t take its main definition-- but hey, it’s late here and my brain is mushed now. orz } @vunoia

They were among the papers haphazardly placed on the floor; bits of thoughts written here and there turned into notes and lyrics. It must be wonderful to be inspired from her latest misfortune, and yet, she couldn’t bring herself to smile genuinely. The slight curve of her lips felt forced as exhaustion took over her body. Junhee became numb, unreachable to what and who brought her joy effortlessly. 

It would take time. She knew her mood couldn’t get better anytime soon. The progression would be slow. Some relapses might occur. She had embarked on a new unpleasant roller coaster ride.

But life had always been unfair. She should have learned that a long time ago.

A reorganization was needed as piles were made according to the type. Music sheets on the left, lyrics next, little scribbles and trivial notes in the middle, important memos beside them-- and a small mountain of memories on the right.

Her fingertips grazed a friend’s letter as her mind drifted at just once glance of the last pile. No, she wouldn’t cry. She shouldn’t be as her busy life forbid her to.

And it was due to this condition that she picked up papers and a pen, returning the favor to her dearest friend, Seulgi.

Dear Seulgi,

Have I ever thought about being close with a fan? Would it be an uncommon answer if I say yes? I honestly believe such boundaries shouldn’t limit the possibilities of potential friendships. Surely, they are many risks involved with befriending a fan. It could almost be comparable to the chances of winning the lottery. Ah, but I might have won one for finding someone like you. We could have met under different circumstances, since we have a common friend who is a giant named Yeol and can’t seem to shut his mouth-- ㅋ He truly is something. I do hope he’s not saying nonsense about me. He tends to exaggerate with his choice of words. Either way, even if we have met because of him or luck, our first encounter would remain a memorable one. After all, I have found a precious friend within an adorable fan. That is a very rare occurrence in this world, right? 

And because I have found such a rare pearl in the ocean, I do want to be honest with you as well. I can’t help but frown when you compared yourself to a nobody. You aren’t. I may be an idol, but that’s the status I have in this society. I’m exposed to the public on a daily basis, making me stand out. The truth is, if you are a nobody, I should be one as well. If not, was. I have become an idol because of people like you, fans who adore me and support me. You can’t be a nobody as you are someone who is very dear to me from the start. Your existence has a value. It is priceless to someone’s eyes and in that case, it happens to be mine. Plus, you are one of my closest friends, so your value is definitely immeasurable to me.

I wish it would stop too. I know it would too, someday. It seemed to be an obligation to be in this situation. It can’t really be helped, isn’t it? I have gone through that process before. It is very painful, but if I went through it once, I should be able to go through it once more. It wouldn’t be the last either, so I might as well get used to the idea that it can always come back. I have to admit that I took some risks. I shouldn’t have, but I did it anyway. No one would have guessed an end to this forever I blindly hoped to happen. 

Unfortunately, I’m someone who new starts can’t happen smoothly as I keep delaying endings. I’m surprisingly a hopeless romantic. I grieve as much as I love. I’m also foolishly naive and annoyingly stubborn. To think that I could find balance with all the spheres of my life with the price I constantly need to pay as an idol. You aren’t wrong to be skeptical. I was and am yet again. I had lost someone special before Jungkook. He was my first love, but death took him away from me. Now, life seemed to have done the same to my second one. I was aware forever was ephemeral, its presence only worthy in the moment that it was mentioned or felt, but never beyond that. Nonetheless, I still wanted to be loved by the one I love so dearly at the moment. I still do too, but I know the chances are very slim. I need to give up on that...

I do have my dreams. I am still holding onto them firmly as I write this letter to you. I haven’t swerved from my main path. I wish he would have done the same, managing his dreams and me. But he chose only one instead of both. I can’t blame him for doing so. It must not have been an easy decision. He must be hurt too... I would like to think that way at least. I wouldn’t want to think all he did and said prior to the breakup are all lies. I don’t want to hate him in order to let go faster. Putting the blame on him or insulting him won’t do any good to my broken heart. Thinking that my love for him has gone in vain or that my value within his eyes diminished drastically is pointless too.

It’s just complicated. Love is complicated. Life is as well. There really isn’t much to explain how things are sometimes.

We just have to accept the irrational, the illogical, the regrettable, and move on. That’s a very tough process, but I’ll manage.

Would it sadden you if I say I wouldn’t mind my crown to fall? I can feel its weight and sometimes, it is burdensome. I wish to be allowed to take it off from time to time. I’m not that strong physically and emotionally. I’ve sustained from my misfortunes in life that I need to hide. Since they aren’t known, I have to behave confident and strong all the time. I guess that’s also the price to keep a certain image to the world.

But knowing that I have someone like you helping me out, the sweet Seulgi who needs constant care and attention to shine so brightly (although she already shines so effortlessly) and is undeniably lovingly charming, I’m happy. I may be heartbroken right now. I may look lifeless and improperly irresponsive for a while longer. I am so sorry for that. Knowing that I have your support though, it makes the pain somewhat bearable. So, thank you. Thank you for being there for me, Seulgi-yah.

Surely, they are other people out there supporting me. I don’t feel too lonely at the thought of it. I will try holding onto my crown so it won’t fall.

I’m looking forward for our next date too, by the way. I really want to see you soon. It feels like we don’t spend enough time together, so I really need to step up my game a little bit. Schedules shouldn’t be excuses! I will definitely message or call you soon. I will not forget. I love you too.

Love, 

Junhee.