december schedules: fear stage; mama 2020. (self para, wc: 727)
iseul woke up this morning with a pit of anxiety in the bottom of his stomach. it always happens with large events or performances hanging over their heads and mama is no exception. he’d spent the day trying to distract himself with everything from movies to games on his phone. but nothing seemed to help the anxiety dim, instead as the hours continued to count down towards their performance, it feels like it’s just getting worse.
the red carpet had gone better than he thought. the outfit the stylists had put him in was pretty simple, just a white button down, paired with a black suit. it had made him look good and best of all it hadn’t been too suffocating. the flashing lights from all the cameras and shouts from excited fans had been a good distraction, enough to take his mind off of it, enough for a real smile to reah his face as he waves at the fans before exiting and following the other members of charm through the entrance.
the next hour is enough to lull iseul into a false sense of security, it’s easy to get lost in your thoughts when all you need to do is sit there, look pretty, clap and listen to watch other artists performances. it’s enough to help him forget his earlier and anxiety and worries. instead iseul loses himself in singing along with the songs and dancing for the cameras. in between awards and performances he waves at fans and jokes around with jinsol, teasing him and pinching at him every chance he gets.
but all good things must come to an end it seems and as they exit the seats and head backstage, the pit rises again. it gets worse as they change into their costumes and don the red cloaks for their stage. as he stretches and adjusts his mic, it leaves iseul feeling nauseous and filled to the brim with worries. performing has always been his favorite thing about being an idol, he loves the stage more than anything else. but the perfectionist in iseul, the one that likes to rear it’s ugly heads at important events like this, likes to whisper to him, to leave him with thoughts about all the things that could possibly go wrong, all of the ways that iseul could possibly ruin. he runs through all of his worries one by one, tripping, falling off the blocks, dropping his mic, tearing his pants, forgetting the lyrics, voice cracking.
but as the lights dim and the red stage lights come on, iseul sqaures his shoulders and swallows his fears. he puts the thoughts out of his head and takes a deep breath as he steps onto the stage and the stairs they have set up for the performance. all of his worrying if for nothing though, as the music comes on and everything falls out of his mind.
fear has always been one of his favorties among their songs and title tracks, so it’s easy for iseul to lose himself into the song. muscle memory practically kicking in after all of the hours he put into the practice room with this track alone. they move effortlessly through the song until it’s time for the moment that iseul’s been the most anxious for, his joint dance break. but as he follows his members down the stage, he feels the opposite of what he anticipated, for once he feels confident. this is what he loves to do, why must he doubt himself so much?
thoughts drip away as he slides across the stage, bending and pushing his body in every direction and moving in perfect tandem with his other member. satisfied with their piece, he walks off the stage he smiles to himself and the fans as he waves to them before heading backstage to change out of his outfit. feeling satisifed and foolish with himself, han iseul, worrier extraordinaire gets changed before joining his members back in the seating area.
the rest of the night goes by smoothly until iseul forgets why he even felt the way he did in the first place. he promises himself this will be the last time he’ll feel like this, but he knows that’s a lie. but all he can do is take it one step at a time, one try at a time.