ā° ā IF YOU COULD SEE ME NOW. ā
EXPLANATION: this is just for my Chloe muse which I feel has been a little up and down as of late and not to mention I had this idea from the song with the same title and just went with it. Bit of a letter and a ramble at the end. Only warning is it mentions death sort of, or implies it at the end other than that i donāt think there is anything else.Ā
ā Sometimes when we get to this point, when we get to this stage I guess it makes you realise one thing when you look at it I never did anything I promised, I guess doing what you couldnāt do felt like a lie and really if anyone was going to be something outstanding out of college, it would have been you. I was just easily happy being the unnoticed one, the one who hid in your shadow even if sometime I would complain it was always the easiest option. No one ever questioned except you, what are you going to do with your future Chloe, or what do you think youād study if you made it through that far. No one ever did as really it was never the case. I promised to do what you wanted for yourself but really Iād never have made it and none of that was ever me. Iām sorry Emily.Ā
I guess thatās the difference between us both you were the one who was the one, I know it sounds like lack of words but I know youād understand and deny with all your mite. As really you were the only one who saw us as equals. But, with that there was nothing equal, I couldnāt be the person who went to college if I did and I know youād say otherwise to this statement but Iād just pass on through, scrape the grades even and that doesnāt help me one bit. Not to follow or even try to follow to the dreams you had. Thatās probably why I never bothered. I promised so much but I think really the only promise I will keep and have it figured out someday is the happiness one, maybe the kids thing but donāt hold me to that one I can barely look after myself let alone anyone else and thatās probably a good thing for life. Well probably not for me as well I will never be a true adult, but Iāll work on the happiness part if youāll leave me to just one deal. ā
Once a month it was as if it was like clock work, every month the blonde knew she had to pen that letter, that one letter the one who it was a addressed to would probably never receive or unless she spoke it to the sky in hopes or next to their grave that theyād actually get to hear her words, it was a messily scrawled and sometimes even included doodles just to let the pages have more to them just the words explaining the month or explaining yet another time how Choe knew sheād never reach the one thing Emily wanted her to do. That was the thing they were different in so many ways and Chloe was never and Emily. The only thing she could really promise was not to lose her job, or not to do something stupid but she always did. Not to mention even if Emily never really got these letters the blonde never wanted to explain on the facts, not even on how her mind swayed over a roommate on whether he was just a best friend, drinking a lot, or well even those shots with Bella. Not to mention the parties and the days she spent in the shop playing tic-tac-toe on a bit of till roll with a colleague. That was the thing when it came to these letters, the one promise she had kept most of all was them but even if the thing they said about the dead being there with them or being around at least, she didnāt want to explain the moments she expected her sister to be up there or hovering in the air shaking her head at. Even now thinking about it she was probably a disappointment but in a weird way the more she thought about it in that way the more she believed it. Which really was it ever truly the case? Could you be written off as a failure if you are doing life your own way, she was never sure. But as she finished the words in the little notebook she capped the pen, eyes on the page for a few seconds scanning it to check there was nothing that would be rude in her written letter before shutting the book, sliding it back into the draw into the desk and taking a deep breath. It was done for this month even if it left out certain things, even if it was more Chloe trying to validate her life, her life to someone who was no longer here to have one. Someone that definitely deserved to have one. The one that held the brighter future. the one who left the world too early.Ā
