Thread Rewind to when Ben came home
Normally, Ash didn’t stop talking from the minute take-off occurred until he was safely tucking Ben into a hotel…but not this flight. In fact, Ash had been uncharacteristically quiet for days now and the guilt was becoming overwhelming. So, Ben started with little nudges, then progressed to pokes, and finally to full-on squirming until they could work themselves into a cuddle designed to chip away at the tension. To their massive relief, it didn’t take long for their curls to start being pet and a smile to begin to show on Ash’s face. Before this week, Ben’d really believed that Ash only saw them as a client, a long-term, sure-thing paycheck, and was still trying to wrap their head around their family being a little bigger than they’d thought.
Speaking of, the reminder had them pressing a little harder into their shoulder sparking Ash’s fingers and words into an action that was quick to try and soothe, to reassure, but until Ben saw it with their own eyes…they were just words. Who said Andrew wouldn’t be mad? Who said Andrew’d even be there to pick them up? Ben’d texted and called and even Skype’d once before the tickets were booked, but, now they were convincing themselves that Andrew’d never want anything to do with them ever again.
Which, even they could admit, was probably absurd.
They’d been connected before they could fully walk and talk and no matter what Ben did - or didn’t do - that wasn’t going to change. Most likely. Probably.
One day they hoped they’d believe that as strongly as everyone else seemed to.
The plane abruptly started to descend, pulling Ben from their thoughts and fuckfuckfuckfuck…they weren’t ready. There had to be a mistake. Maybe it was just turbulence. They had no idea what they were going to say yet, if they should say anything at all, and how was this even going to work? Ash’s bosses had given them strict orders to take some time off, pull themselves together, and be back in tip-top shape before award press season started…but beyond that…
There was no script for this.
Ben was desperate for someone to give them their lines, to slip in the solution, and wrap it all up in a pretty package that promised happily ever after. But they got nothing save anxiety, guilt, and shame warring in their stomach and a very stubborn manager who wouldn’t let them have even the smallest drink to try and drown it away.
Well, and a captain indeed announcing their imminent arrival and not at all the turbulence they were hoping for.
Ben’d gone rigid as the wheels touched the ground and once Ash’d recovered from his own bout of anxiety, he was there to help pry Ben’s fingers off the arm rests and start prepping him for disembarking. “Your hubby’s here and excited to see you.” Ash teased. “Stop with all this. It’s going to be fine. You guys are going to have a blast. And if you don’t - you text me and I’ll be on the next plane over. Ok?”
The last thing Ben’d wanted was two hovering babysitters for the next who-knew-how-long, so they’d stubbornly insisted that Ash go on to visit their family in Florida. “It’s not that long of a flight. I can be there any time you need me.” Ash was still talking and Ben just gave little nods to show they heard. Part of them wanted to walk Ash to their gate, but Ash already had them moving through the back passages and then they were out.
Both of them exhaled startled curses because it was one thing to remember it was cold and another for thinned Californian blood to feel it. Then Ben’s whole mind went blank and they were moving before they even registered the desire to move until they could crash against their best friend and hold on. All of their senses lit up as they tried to press closer, burying their nose in the only scent that ever felt like home and trying like hell not to cry. They needed to get into the car, get off the street where anyone could notice them, before they dared do that but…just a minute longer.
“I’m sorry.” Ben whispered, even as one of their hands began to fist their jacket, like Andrew was in danger of pulling away or something and that little force could keep him put. Their brain was ridiculous, but they didn’t make any move to lessen their grip. “M’here. I missed you.” Sure, they said it all the time, it was almost a goodbye salutation at this point, but standing here, with Andrew in their arms, it really hit them just how deep that missing went. “Fuck. It’s been too long.” Their eyes were wet and they had zero plans of moving any time soon. Ash was greeting Andrew over their head and Ben let the comfort of their two favorite people’s voices wash over them until Ash’s fingers were in their hair again.
“Alright, kiddo. I gotta go.”
Reluctantly, Ben pulled away from Andrew to give Ash a long hug of his own, thanking him and apologizing a dozen times over and finally losing the battle against the tears as Ash quietly talked. Important words. Words like I love you, you’re not alone, let yourself be loved, and learn how to love yourself. Ben quietly promised to try their best and then let go of Ash so he could tackle Andrew into his own long overdue hug as Ben tried to compose themselves.
Ash was mumbling half a dozen directives as they pulled apart like Ben was a goddamn dog being dropped off for dog sitting so Ben just reached out, physically turned him around, and pushed him gently back towards the door. “Love you. Bye now.” They teased, and got another hug, before Ash was gone and they were left alone.
Slowly, they turned back around, suddenly feeling shy and uncertain in a way they hadn’t felt since they were a kid and figured out they liked to kiss boys. “I, um….” Ben wasn’t sure what to do next. They didn’t have a place here because whenever they came back, they’d just crash with Andrew, but … it was rude to presume that’s where they’re going now. It was just, Ash hadn’t left them with any keys or directions so… “I don’t know where I’m going.” Ben admitted with a little shrug and damn if that wasn’t true in more ways than one. A dry laugh slipped out before they moved closer, unable to resist reaching out and tangling their fingers together to make sure Andrew really was there, especially as it sank in that for the first time in their entire life; there was nothing on the immediate horizon.
No auditions, no jobs, no interviews, no….nothing.
“How do you vacation?” They asked, smiling to cover the genuine fear underneath the question. “This is probably the least relaxing thing I’ve ever done.”
