#|open posts|

[apendaye]

"I always wear my scarf! Since I never really get cold or hot, it doesn't bother me." Chipper as always, you giddily answered the other's question.

[apendaye]

||Reality||

Like a wind passing, you caught something of a chill and raised your brow. Someone was watching you, but you didn't know what or who it was. Who would be watching you at this hour? Your form perched upon the wall by the tent as you relaxed before the show. It didn't matter though, people stared all the time. So you got down and went inside to get ready. During the show, you had a deep feeling of anxiety. Like the eyes on you weren't just eyes, but the eyes of someone disgusted. Someone who knew  you in ways no one else but maybe Koko could. You didn't stop though, your mind set and soon cleared of everything else but that anxiety. When it came time to close, you still felt like someone was peering over your shoulder.

Quickly, you darted after the feeling. As though you could catch it, you chased where you felt the eyes burning into your shoulder. Soon enough, you found the cause, and you stilled. As though you were frozen in time, your cigarette fell from your lips and you couldn't move, you couldn't breathe. Fear, pure fear, ran through your veins and turned them to ice as you gazed upon the worn but harsh features of someone you had never thought to see. You were nine years old when she abandoned you, now you were twenty-four and you were still terrified. "You're still filthy." The first words she had said to you in nearly two decades, and they hurt more than anything she could've said.

It wouldn't work, your voice, your quivering lips parted and you couldn't say anything. You didn't have to though. Her hand raised and she clawed the patch off your face. You reeled back and fell to one knee, like a fallen knight, you knelt there with new marks across the bridge of your nose. "Ashamed of what your mother has done? Hiding the damage? Are you ashamed of me?" You didn't say anything, you only clenched your jaw and tried not to think, not to feel, to do nothing at all. If you couldn't see her, was she there? If you couldn't hear her, would she still be there? You tried every remedy you could until you felt something sharp across your features again. 

Your hand came up with a sharp yelp, the scars opened and you could only clasp at the wounds. That was, until the spit fire woman you claimed as a sister came barreling over you. She leaped over you like you were a hurdle and she was a track star, her figure taking down the larger one as she began to scream. "HOW DARE YOU COME NEAR HIM!? YOU DON'T DESERVE TO BE WITH IN TWO INCHES OF A GREAT MAN LIKE HIM YOU FUCKING HARPY!" You wanted to cry out, wanted to tell her to stop. That that was your mother, that you loved her even still. Your unoccupied hand came up, clasping at your throat as you watched Koko slam her fist into the elder woman's jaw. "He's vile! He's a burden! He was nothing short of a monster!" 

Your chest hurt, your mind was spinning. How did she find you? How did she get here? You had left the country! How did she even know?! You curled into yourself, one hand clasping at your eye as the other curled into your shirt. Mute, mute, don't talk, just be good. Don't say anything and she'll stop. Don't do anything and she'll never hurt you. Behave yourself. Don't mess up, you're worthless, you didn't deserve her. "GET UP BD! GET UP!" The words wouldn't reach you. "MATTHEW, GET UP!" Your heart skipped a few beats. You drew yourself up and you looked empty, like you were a shell running off nothing but air.

A hand reached forward and you grabbed Koko's arm to pull her off your mother who lay with bruises forming across her milky flesh. You reached down and pulled her up as well. "Don't touch me! You're a disease!" Your native tongue flowed from her mouth in curses and shouts as you just bowed your head and got on your knees. It was just like back then. When you'd shut down and just bow in front of her, bow for forgiveness. Koko stared in horror, her fingers coming up to press against her lips as she watched you practically give yourself up to your mother. To the woman who assaulted, battered, and abandoned you.

It was a bad joke. She spat, cursed, and kicked you till you were on your side, and that's when Koko couldn't take anymore. She brandished her sword and held it out. "You fuckin' touch him again and I will remove your goddamn hands you fucking harpy." Your mind hurt, your everything hurt, but you couldn't say anything. You wouldn't say anything. Silent screams causing turmoil in your mind as you blearily looked at the both of them. It wasn't a look of hatred, but a look of one who would love their mother till the end of time no matter what she did. "Don't you dare look at me you filthy vermen. I will remove your other eye." And you just looked the other way.

As though it was your fault. Koko growled and moved forward to stand over you with her blade ready to slice through the woman. "Leave. Now. And if you dare to come near him again, I will kill you where you stand." You didn't say anything, you didn't defend either of them. Black seeped into your mind and you barely noticed how she scoffed and turned away to leave again. To abandon you all over again. But she stopped, looking down at you over her shoulder. "You were nothing but a filthy burden. I only came back to see just how much you had changed, but you're just like your pissant of a father. Disgusting." She walked away, and you felt nothing anymore. Your mind seared with agony as you lay there.

A hand reached out, gently touching your shoulder and coaxing you to get up. You obliged, bu you couldn't hear her anymore. Even though Koko was talking to you, you couldn't speak, you couldn't hear, nothing was happening anymore. She was realizing now, how severe your reality was. It stunned her, mortified her even, to know this is what you dealt with, and now it was back to haunt you. You didn't speak, not as she screamed for Serena and Gustav. Not as she yelled at the paramedics to let her come with you in the ambulance. Not as she told them that you were the only translator available that he was comfortable with. It was like you had lost every will to think, to move, to speak again. Four years was how long it took you to say anything the first time and it was a scream for him not to leave you.

Two years was how long it took you last time to say anything to the troupe. Now? How long would it take now? You just laid there on the slab as they worked on your face and checked you over endlessly. What would happen now? You didn't know. You just fell asleep, refusing to walk up till tomorrow. Till it was over and done with. Till everything would be seemingly alright. But nothing would be alright. Would it? The once closed wounds were opened again, salt driven in the wound and the knife twisted. You didn't realize that Koko was beside your bed, you didn't know that Serena was mourning her adopted son's tragedy again. You just laid there, mute as the first time with the trauma piling up again behind closed eyes. 

[apendaye]

        —« ▩ »—

"Oh this? Nah, don't worry about that man. I'm aight. Jus' a lil scratch is all." Little scratch? Kael, you're bleeding profusely in several places you little shit.

[apendaye]

     --✩♛✩--

Cue the motherly concern. "Oh dear! Are you alright sweetie?"

[apendaye]

|Worm eaten sky|

You had gotten home and cleaned up after your talk with Mister Gustav, having asked what the proper attire would be for the acts you needed to perform. Of course, he merely said to bring yourself and the other artists would get your costume ready. You hoped that there wasn't going to be anything too ridiculous going on with your outfit, but you figured- Hey, it's a circus, ridiculous and strange was kind of the idea concerning clothes. Or extravagant and beautiful for some performers. 

You took a shower, cooked, and ate enough protein to help you get along with burning all the calories. Despite your busy days, you did take care of yourself. When you glanced up at the clock, you found yourself tying your curls up once more before you were heading out the door to your car. Of course you got to the tent earlier than the show by a couple hours, wanting to go over the act and costume details and practice first. Upon arrival, you were greeted by a family of artists who were just as eccentric and cheerful as Gustav. 

You all talked and got familiar with one another before you were put in costume. And of course, you were put into a funny outfit. Not as ridiculous as it could have been, though. The black elastic fabric went down to your ankles and wrists, detailed with blue swirls and embroidery all over as it cut down into a v-neck style in the front. You put on the black flats given to you and immediately went on to practice the acts. From Aerial ribbons to the tight rope, you knew they'd remove the net during the show. However, you were well off due to your years of doing parkour and skate boarding. 

Look at you, joining a circus all for the sake of helping. You chuckled at the thought and when it came show time, one of the girls tied your hair into a loose pony tail that sat at the back of your neck instead of up. Well, at least it'd keep your hair out of your face during the show.