#🍉notes

[thehyperspacesystem]

I (🍉) was just settling in to the fact that i finally have IW access and I had a really terrifying hostile IW experience. With the road we were riding escooters along turning into broken edges of fractured reality and then a tunnel of hellscape grinder teeth. I freaked and fronted, opening my eyes.

This was triggered by me attempting to move in to the neighborhood with the rest of the gang. The IW itself will not allow that.

I tried to go back in and was eventually met with a really hideous alien creature who was hard for me to look at, but i managed to cope ok, the creature gave me my starship back. Explaining that this (the starship) has always been my home in the IW.

Don't know quite what to make of that, but clearly our IW is alive and has it's own ideas about how things should be. This happened to Elise too, but i don't know what the trigger for her hostile experience was.

Once I accepted the starship as my IW home, i was put right back where i was originally as if nothing had happened.

I'm still pretty shaken up by how scary the IW can make itself if you do something it doesn't like and afraid to close my eyes, which is bad timing because i was trying to go to sleep when this happened.

[thehyperspacesystem]

I'm (🍉) trying to learn to be gentler with myself. I sensed that a child part was really angry about something and I was shown an IW scene in which this child expressed his (i get the sense they are a boy and they appeared as a boy in the IW) anger. I am not going to post details about that.

I tried to engage with this part to find out what they are so angry about, but I eventually got kicked out of the IW and then threw up. I think I did something wrong.

I asked summer (🌄) for help and she basically told me that i can't know yet. I'm really curious now, but I have to leave it alone for my own good.

[thehyperspacesystem]

I read this article (sorry, i don't think it's free to read)

Something’s Different About People Now and It’s Terrifying

Yesterday I had to rush a friend to the emergency room with a bleeding eye and a sense of doom that the world is not what it used to be and…

and it got me thinking about how the covid lockdowns affected me.

There's definately something different about how i relate to people now, but the troublesome thing that makes it hard to disentangle is I have a lot of other "stuff" going on. Is it DID/trauma related? Is it brain fog or related to how catching covid 3 times actually made tiny holes in my brain? Or is it the lockdowns.

For two years I pretty much just stayed home and didn't leave the house. I got my groceries delivered and anything I needed I just ordered online. I don't think that is healthy. That has to have had an effect on me.

To an extent i still live that way because i'm using a manual wheelchair that doesn't meet my needs, so I have to catch a taxi to go anywhere and that gets expensive fast. I also generally need assistance to load my wheelchair into the taxi, which makes it harder to get out since this is not always available. Unfortunately there are no specalized transport services for disabled people where I live. Out here in the country if you're disabled "it's just too bad" which sucks.

I am hoping to get an electric wheelchair soonish. I really hope my face to face social skills haven't completely atrophied from non-usage.

[thehyperspacesystem]

It strange for me how when 🎹 is fronting and she plays gutair, our fingers fly over the frets like the gutair is an extension of her emotionality.

When I (🍉) try to play a few basic chords i'm all fumble fingers and struggle to play a simple song. I have learned to mentally step back and not do anything to disrupt 🎹's playing and singing as I have learned that the slightest action from me while she is playing or singing will cause her voice to be flat or sharp or our fingers to mess up a chord change.

It's definitely an "omg the alters are really real" moment.