#( j.rnls )

[ynbbm]

{ 004. }

Cry if you want, they said, cry, just do it, it doesn’t mean you are weak, I shook my head, lying over and over again, I’m fine, I don’t need to cry. How are you, how are you feeling, they asked, I smiled, what is there to not be okay about? Life goes on, I move on. If only things were that easy.

I kept saying that I wanted someone to be there, but in the end I pushed each and every single one away, because they aren’t you, they never are going to be you. I wanted to scream out, but I held everything back. You said don’t do that, but tell me, what was I supposed to do? You tell me, how do I say goodbye to someone I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to? I’m drowning, drowning, drowning, nobody is around to save me, or maybe I no longer want to be saved. Let go, let go, I said, I found myself stubbornly holding on. Get over it, one day you will be okay again, they patted my head, I blinked my tears away, I will. I know I won’t, I don’t want to, nobody told me It would hurt this much saying goodbye. My heart broke, and at that moment I stopped to breathe. Please come back. Please stay. Please don’t leave. Please just tell me this is hurting you too. Like fairytale and magic, impossible to believe, yet that one tiny string of hope kept destroying. I’m torn between screaming out how much I miss you or staying quiet for both of our sakes. It’s tearing me apart how I forbid myself from admitting, from letting it get to me. I block everything out, because It’s so hard to even just breathe. And It breaks my heart. Again, and again, and again. It’s pathetic really, how much even now I still wish It’s me and you in the end. And do you know what’s the saddest thing is? I’m always going to wait for you, even when you are never coming back. Is it wrong of me, hoping one day we’d find our ways back to each other? I’ll continue to act like this isn’t a big deal, while the truth is It’s breaking my heart. Even now, after everything, It’s always been you. I don’t know how to keep you. I don’t know how to let you go. I’m struggling. And I’m losing the will to exist. If I disappear, would you even miss me? 

[ynbbm]

{ 003. }

How long is it going to take, he asked, I clenched my fist, teeth gritting, one week, two weeks, a month, two month, maybe more, but no less and please just be patient. I just want to feel something, anything, he said, when the pain becomes something too used to that heart feels numb and body feels dead. Is there anything sadder than that? I’m dead, I’m in pain, It’s too much, I looked away, too painful to watch, too angry to see, and people don’t seem to notice. The pain is there, visible, but who could truly understand? I just wanted you to be happy, lies, lies, all lies.  Since when love becomes pain, happiness turns to heartache, kisses and hugs change to fights and tears. When It’s 90% sad and 10% glad, It’s not 90% sad, I snapped, when will you stop lying to yourself? Convinced that one more time, just one more time, hopes up and heart given out again, receiving back one more time a broken heart.  Maybe It’s time to let go. It’s not easy, It’s killing me, I whispered, I know, really, I know. But when you keep on reaching and reaching and you find nothing but empty space, when apology becomes too often than talking, angry and sad and so damn closed off, when arguments occur too often and difference only pulls two people apart, maybe It’s time to let go. When hands around neck and memories strangling, eyes closing at night but tears forming around the corners, heart clenching and stomach feels like being stabbed, sometimes It’s not love that drifts apart but everything else that makes love fall. Sometimes, loving someone alone really isn’t enough. And I wish you know how much It pains me too. It’s going to be okay, I said, I just wish you would believe that too. 

[ynbbm]

{ 002. }

How do you give it your all without losing it all, he asked, I shook my head, maybe we can only pray that they wouldn’t take everything away. I’m upset, It’s upsetting, he said, I forced a smile, I’m fine, It’s okay, I continued lying, I will get used to it. It’s not something to get used to, idiot. Maybe that’s what I am. Stay, don’t run away, go, take a break, they said, I found myself standing in the middle of the road, not entirely sure what exactly I should do. Why does it seem like It’s worse this time, he stated, I nodded and agreed. It’s a lot worse, and It was all my fault to let it happen. I remember what he said, maybe he was right. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, over and over again, but words are words, and actions proved you wrong. I forgive you, but It doesn’t make it all go away. Talk, don’t stay silent, don’t suppress, she pleaded, I retreated, continued to hide, building back my walls, smile and pretend like nothing is wrong. Praying that lying to myself would make everything okay. That everything one day will really be okay. Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean the love isn’t there. Sometimes goodbye doesn’t come from the lack of love, It comes from the lack of everything else. Where do I find the courage to part goodbye? We are the same, he said, we pushed people away but secretly hoping they would stay. We keep a distance, then become terribly attached. I nodded, I’m such a hypocrite. I just want you to stay. There is nothing you can do when someone stops caring, the only thing to  do is to teach yourself to not care more. Taking all back, hoping that It’s not too late. I thought I didn’t have anything left to lose, he sighed, I ended up losing myself instead. I patted his head, whispering I know. I’m exactly the same. Open my mouth, only to close it again. Words burying deep inside the heart, poisoning it slowly. Tell me you do. tell me you do. Would that make everything okay again? Someday It was a fairytale and other days It was a horror story instead, and in a blink of eyes I feel everything all at once. Too much, too overwhelming, too suffocating.  Sometimes, you just know. Be happy when I talk, get worried when I don’t. When it’s 51% sad and 49% glad, 90% pain and 10% madness, I said, you know, not everyone can be as lucky. Some people just have to get used to it, as sad as It sounds. And It still hurts more than It should. 

[ynbbm]

{ 001. }

What’s going on, they asked, you don’t seem to smile anymore. I shook my head, leaving the question unanswered.  Are you happy, he looked into my eyes, answer me honestly. You know I can’t lie to you, I whispered, I no longer know the answer. I don’t know how to pull away, when I’m pathetically in love with him still, he said. That’s not an excuse, I snapped, but I found myself not that much different. Hypocrite.  How are you feeling, they asked, over and over again, a smile on my face, I lied, pretending that everything is still okay. Go, you deserve better. Tell me, are you happy, he didn’t believe, where do you see yourself in a month, two month, I crumbled, history is repeating itself.  When staying made me feel so pathetic, but pulling away would kill me, I asked, now you tell me, what am I supposed to do?  I just want to be happy.  I don’t need much, simple things, sincere words, heartfelt actions. But everything is so far away. I’m tired of reaching, reaching, reaching, and there is nothing but empty space.  Keep a bit to yourself so you won’t be lost forever, but maybe It’s already too late. Maybe I’ve already lost myself somewhere along the way. Maybe It doesn’t matter anymore because I’ve given out everything and It’s shaking me to the core. I’m no longer who I used to be.  I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach for a hundreds, thousands times, and the pain doesn’t seem to go away. I wonder if you wonder about me. Just say you do. Just say you do. It hurts more than It should. Teach me how to be okay again. That power to destroy me, I gave it away.  You know the answer is right there. I’m disappointed, he said. I whispered, I do, too. Maybe all we ever do is falling apart. 

[ynbbm]

Teach me how to be happy again. I find myself slowly letting go. I just want to disappear. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of believing in lies and wishing that things would be different this time. How stupid must I be? 이제..그만하자..

[ynbbm]

I’m terrible. I’m selfish. Maybe It’s all a mistake.  Watch me destroy everything. I’m sorry. Will you miss me when I’m gone..?

[ynbbm]

{ 4.17 }

Gradually, slowly Whispering, softly, quietly “Don’t go, don’t go, don’t go.” Scared, worried, frightened My biggest fear, good or bad, though bad mostly, yet I no longer seem to care. Let it swallow, let it consume, let it take over me. I’m drowning, barely breathing. Love me, stay, leave me, don’t go, stay close, don’t come back. Slipping away from fingertips, am I trying to hold back? Selfish, possessive, insecure, now that’s the real me. Would you stay, would you accept, would you give me everything. I’m falling down. Hold me, hug me, don’t let me go. 

[ynbbm]

{ 4.16 }

Too sad. Too miserable. Too lonely. Too lost. Too pathetic. Too vulnerable. How did I let myself drop this low? When did I lose myself this much? Maybe It’s time to go.