Once upon a time there was a poor woodcutter who wanted a child so badly that one night, while walking alone in the woods, he told the wishing star that he would “even settled for half a child, if only he could be a father”.
Of course, since it is a well known fact that the wishing star is a fairy and that fairies are dicks, this was foolish of him, but the deed was done, and sure enough: nine months later his wife gave birth to a child who was only half a boy. This must be taken in the most literal sense: his entire right side of his body was nonexistent.
Now at this point you’re probably thinking “okay, now hang on a minute” and you’ve probably got a lot of questions about anatomy and mortality rates and you might even be preparing to tell me so many things about congenital defects and explain that such a child could not possibly survive, but listen. Don’t worry about it.
The poor woodcutter was a little put off by his child’s condition but he had meant what he said, and he was not a man to be put off by fairy dickery, so he took his son to a tinsmith and had a tin half-body made for his right side, so that now he was a whole boy and, again, don’t worry about it. This is a fairy tale.
The boy, whose name was James, grew up the same as any other boy, and we can only assume the tinsmith made bank replacing his body for him every few months as he grew (and then grew and grew and grew because by the time he stopped growing he was as tall as the trees in the forest of his birth. Not literally, of course, but this is a fairy tale so,).
And so James grew into a fine, strong young man, a woodcutter like his father, and since I know you’re wondering: yes, it was made of tin, and yes, it worked.
One day, while James was out in the forest doing whatever it is that woodcutters do- cut wood, presumably- he came upon a crow trapped in a bramble bush.
Now, James, as was by this point well documented, was a very soft-hearted young man, and didn’t like to see any creature suffering needlessly. So without a second thought he chopped away the brambles that were holding the crow prisoner, and then carried him home and cleaned and bandaged the wounds that he’d acquired during his entrapment.
The crow was too badly hurt to fly away, so James made him a comfortable nest and left him in it to rest until he’d healed, and as it had been a very long day and the sun was nearly set, James ate his dinner and went to bed.
During the night, he thought he felt a presence at his side in the narrow bed, but when he woke the next morning it was empty, save for a single black feather, which he tucked into his pocket.
Fortunately the crow was feeling much better that day, so James let him back out into the woods and gave no more thought to it, because he was the sort of soft-hearted guy who was always helping injured animals in the wood and it was his good fortune he lived alone because if he had a wife she would most certainly have complained.
(He did not have a wife. There were reasons for this, one of them being his half-tin body and a much bigger one being that it took any woman about five minutes to realize he really, really wasn’t interested.)
Another day, as James was once more out in the woods doing his job, he found a man had fallen into the river, and was struggling against the current. Since James’ half-tin body made him very strong, it was no trouble for him to reach into the river and just pull the man back onto the bank. The river roared at him for taking his prize, but the man was safe, and he clasped James as though he were a long-lost brother, which, if you’ll recall the wish James’ father made in the beginning of this story, was clearly impossible. Also, the man was as old as James’ parents.
The man, as it turned out, was a king (not of James’ country; just A King in general), and he was so grateful to James for saving his life that he promised James his daughter in marriage. James thought this was a bit much to offer someone just for pulling him free of the river, but he figured there wasn’t any harm in at least seeing what the princess thought about the idea, and told the king that he needed to prepare his house for his absence and he would come along shortly behind him.
So the king went ahead to tell his daughter and prepare her for her upcoming nuptials, and James went home to get a change of underwear and lock his door.
Meanwhile, the king returned home that night and immediately sent for his children.
Now, this king had two children, a son and a daughter who were twins. Their names were Raven and Qrow, and they were as alike in countenance as twins can be when they aren’t identical, and they were also very rebellious and willful and strong-minded, and not the sort to just go along with it when being told their father had promised Raven to a man she’d never met just because he’d fished him out of a river.
“Absolutely not,” Raven said, folding her arms and glaring in a way that told her father she meant it.
“You can’t just go marrying your daughter to some rando just for saving your life,” Qrow agreed. “What if he’s a creep? Or ugly?”
“He’s not ugly,” the king said. “He’s very handsome. He’s as tall as a tree and he has a beard. That’s handsome, right?”
“Do you mean that he’s literally as tall as a tree, or only that he is very tall?” Raven asked, because this was a fairy tale and sometimes you have to double-check these things.
“He is very tall,” the king explained. “And his eyes are very blue.”
“That does sound handsome,” Raven agreed, “but I still don’t want to marry him. It’s the principle of the thing.”
“At least wait until you meet him to decide,” the king asked, and Raven agreed because, you know, maybe he wasn’t a creep. But privately she had already decided, because if he married her because her father said so she’d have to go through all of the trouble of training him to respect her free will, and who has time for that?
The next night, James arrived at the palace, and the king had him brought up immediately. While he was waiting for his audience, unbeknown to him the king and the twins watched him through a secret hidey-hole in the wall.
“Well, daughter?” the king asked. “Is he handsome enough to meet your standards?”
“He’s very handsome,” Raven agreed, “and I do like how kind his smile is, but on balance I think I’m still going to refuse. I can’t go marrying a man just because my father made a foolish promise. It sets a poor precedent.”
“Well now what am I supposed to do?” the king said. “I made him a promise. I can’t go back on my word, it makes me look like a bad king.”
“I think promising something that isn’t yours to promise makes you look like a bad king,” Raven sniffed. “Just tell him you made a foolish decision in the heat of the moment and ask him if he wants something else.”
And then she looked to her brother to back her up, but Qrow had spent the entire conversation gazing through the hidey-hole at James, and now he said, “If my sister doesn’t want him, I’ll take him.”
James was beginning to wonder if perhaps he was being played when the king finally appeared.
“So here’s the thing,” the king said. “My daughter doesn’t want to marry you, even though you are handsome and kind, because of the principle of the thing.”
James could understand that. Honestly, he was a little relieved. He’d been thinking on the way over that he wasn’t entirely sure what he was going to do with a wife.
“But,” the king went on, before James could reply, “I have a son, and he would be happy to marry you in her place.”
This, to James, sounded like a much better option.
“All right,” he said. “If he doesn’t mind.”
So a feast was prepared to celebrate the engagement, and James met his husband-to-be for the first time that night, and fell in love, or anyway he fell in like, which is still pretty good for an arranged marriage.
The next night, they were married, which we can only assume was because this is a fairy tale and things can be sped up. James did think it odd that the wedding was being held at night, but he supposed royals had their odd ways different than the ways of the common folk.
Certainly it made it take a lot less time to get to the wedding night later.
Now, James was very much looking forward to his wedding night, but he thought he ought to get some full disclosure out of the way before they went any further. However, it turned out his husband had something similar in mind, because as soon as the door closed behind them and they were alone, he said, “I have something to tell you.”
“I have something to tell you,” James echoed. “You go first.”
“I’m currently under a curse. At night I’m a man, but when the sun rises I’m going to turn into a bird. It’s extremely inconvenient.”
“It’s not that inconvenient right now,” James said. “I’d rather have a man for my wedding night than a bird.”
“I guess that’s fair. What did you want to tell me?”
“I only have half a body. The right half is made of tin.”
“Oh. Did a witch kiss you, too?”
“My father made a very stupid wish on a fairy star.”
“That sounds also really inconvenient.”
“It was before I stopped having growth spurts. Now it’s fine. Though it does tend to be offputting for the women in my village, who’d prefer a husband whose manhood isn’t made of tin.”
Qrow nodded, and, as he’d spent more than five minutes with James at this point, said, “Are you sure it’s the tin putting them off?”
I won’t bore you further with their banter. Suffice to say: they had a very fulfilling wedding night, and in the morning, James woke to find his bed empty apart from a single black feather, which he sat admiring for quite some time until a maid brought him his breakfast and he quickly put it away, because it was kind of embarrassing to be caught pining for one’s husband like that.
