you’re so different when you’re at home, and he’s left having a hard time trying to tell if you haven’t exactly been you to the world
The self-isolation hasn’t gone noticed until you’d skip out on nearly any hangout with the crew. You’d been doing this for the past two weeks, and you bet he was counting. The beginning of your reclusiveness was somewhat tolerable - you just needed some space to yourself, Josuke would try to convince himself. He respects your choice .. somewhat, but he’d find the time to dial the [Surname]’s residence in a phone booth when he felt the need to check up on you while he’s out and about with Okuyasu and Koichi - and maybe even Rohan on a rare unfortunate day.
It’s strange having to deal with that man without you by his side for comfort, but it wasn’t such a problem to fuss over.
But what hasn’t cut for him was when you’d begin to avoid confrontation at school even, averting eyes when they’d meet his concerned ones so you could quietly dismiss yourself the opposite way. His shouts don’t seem to reach your ears. No more escorting you to your own class and being a few minutes late to his own, no more sneaking a few kisses onto your lips near the lockers, no more walks back home after a long day - just, there wasn’t enough of you to go about his days anymore.
He was understandably concerned.
Were you sick of him? Is he being too clingy? Did you not want to be with him anymore … but that didn’t make any sense. You were like this to everyone, even your other friends, yes. He’d already ask them about your recent behavior, and they were all the same answer.
You’re pushing everyone away.
And so he’d find himself standing right on your family’s doormat, knocking lightly on the beige doors in hopes of catching a glimpse of you.
He just needs to know if you were okay.
And as expected, you weren’t the one to answer the door.
“Ah, Josuke? I didn’t expect for [Name]’s friend to come by at this time, please do come in!” He hears the excitement in your mother’s voice as she steps aside from the door-frame for the six-foot boy to be welcomed in, face nearly glowing in what seems like apparent relief now that someone other than she and her antisocial child was in the house.
“Is … [Name] home? I apologize if I came here on an unnoticed note, I can always leave if I’m being a bother, you know -”
“Nonsense! I just said please do come in, silly! yes, they’re in their room right now, but I’m not sure if [Name] even wants company at all these days … They’ve locked themselves up in that tiny space for what feels like months. You must be here to check on them …”
Months, that’s exactly how long it felt for him, and why he’s here to at least discuss your distant behavior.
“I see,” he murmurs, then curses under his breath for letting this go on, “and yes, I’ve been worried, but didn’t know if I was allowed to feel this way - thank you so much, miss [Surname].”
Luckily, he’s already remembered the general layout of your house to not bother your mother even further about any other questions, choosing to head down the hall to the left that leads off to a general guest bathroom, bedroom, and then your own -
“Josuke sweetie, please remember to take off your shoes !”
Although he couldn’t remember to take off his shoes it seems.
In what felt like forever of drowning yourself in your own sorrows - you’d hear the light knocks on your bedroom door. Mumbling in between breathes to let your ‘mother’ know that you’re trying to take a nap to alleviate the constant state of drowsiness you gotten yourself into, you don’t seem to figure out that it is in fact someone else waiting outside your door patiently - until they hesitantly speak up.
“Uh, hon? It’s Josuke … if you don’t mind me coming in. I would like to talk.”
… That, was the last person you’d expect.
“J-Josuke, huh? What are you … I didn’t … ah freak, do give me a minute -” Eyes snapping wide open, throwing the pink starry covers off you as you scrambled desperately out.
He hears the slight panic in your voice, a bunch of scuffling noises following a suit in what he can assume is you dragging your unwilling feet right to the door, knocking over miscellaneous items on the floor on the way. As much as the situation isn’t fitted for a laugh, he couldn’t help himself from letting out a light, gentle one at your total franticness. Cute. It’s been a while since he’s caught any sorts of silliness from you, he misses the little things about you too on your absences, you know.
Of course, you don’t catch onto it - too busy being worried over how you currently looked and your mess of a room. Fixing the loose strands of your hair to look somewhat decent to the eye, adjusting the spaghetti straps of your tank so it doesn’t go falling of your shoulders at the wrong time, and forcing up a bright smile when opening the door graciously - cough, dramatically.
Just a little something to let him know that you’ve been okay this whole time, maybe.
You stood in the doorway, trying to brush off the fact that your clothes aren’t suitable right now but … You were just sleeping earlier so it shouldn’t really matter if you were showing a bit skin !
And, he’s a little too distracted on stating the matters to realize it.
“Hi Josuke! Yes, you can come in,” you welcomed him, but it is hard to feel greeted when he senses something is obviously off.
There’s that distant look in your eyes again, you’re not exactly looking at him, you’re trying to look past him so you don’t go and break.
Though he brushes that small discrepancy away to not spark any difficult conversations right now, respecting your unstated wishes for now. You move aside for him to step right in, and he does just that. Sweating internally when he decides to take the time to get a good look of the environment you’ve been isolated in for a while: bed swarmed with piled blankets and pillows, cups and empty plates crowding on your desk, and dirty clothes piling up in a mountain at the corner …
You could only smile sheepishly at this, super embarrassed that he’s caught you. Mainly at the wrong time, glancing at your condition.
Looks like you’re living in a pigsty.
“I’m … a little unprepared, as you can see hehe … sorry if everything’s a mess right now. Didn’t expect any guests today … or at all really,” you tried to reason, more for yourself so you don’t go feeling down than you already are. Ignoring the sudden, suffocating apprehension digging into your chest the more you ramble off to clear any suspicions swarming his head.
You’re the mess, [name].
“So, ah … what’s the sudden appearance? Err don’t get me wrong, I love it when you’re here ! It’s just, you have to let me know in advance so my room doesn’t go looking like this !”
Obviously here to talk about how horrible you’ve been treating him, you didn’t even bother to let him know you wanted to be alone, you let him suffer, alone.
“Is everyone else doing well? Rohan still getting your nerves, eh?”
Actually, everyone’s doing completely fine without you. Adding on, you’re the only one who’s actually bothering him - so stop acting so damn considerate for once, you’re not fooling anyone this time.
Fuck.
You’re clawing your untrimmed fingernails at your sides as a response from your anxiety, clutching tightly onto your skin to fight back the urge on crying. Distracting yourself with the usual pain helps to keep the feelings in check when you don’t want to show them. It hurts, so much - but you feel better already. You hated displaying any signs of weaknesses to your boyfriend, to anyone really. Everyone probably has it harder than you, so why bother them with your useless tears? … Why do you even shed them every single night, bawling endlessly into your pillow are soaked.
What explains that gut-wrenching impediment in your chest?
Nothing.
There is nothing specifically wrong in your life that should be making you feel this way. The more you ponder off about it, the farther you’re sinking into -
“Hey, stop it, don’t do that to yourself.”
Josuke’s alarmed voice cuts you abruptly from your thoughts. Noticing the blood trailing down slowly from the freshly wounds you just dug into your precious skin, the crescent-shaped marks are deep - and there are scars that are oddly similar to them, running all over your legs and arms. Comparable as in it has been self-inflicted maybe … all he knows is that they don’t belong there.
“[Name]…”
He tears away your hands on a whim. A flash of light blue, and pink is all you can see - before you blinked another time to find yourself in the same room. This time, with your partner’s huge, huge palms in comparison to your own, are glued to your hips firmly. No aches from the friction whatsoever, just, him withdrawing them slowly as your gaze finally meets his.
A gulp.
You’re one away step from breaking.
This is why you didn’t want to talk to him - you couldn’t, not without having these … these thoughts antagonize you constantly throughout your sullen days. No, they were here to remind you that you were so fucking annoying to deal with. Selfish for wanting to always be alone these days, to collect all sorts of unhealthy feelings - bottling your self-hatred, and letting them burst out at the wrong time.
“No. There’s nothing to be sorry for. I am the one who barged in all of a sudden,” he decides to take the some of weight off your shoulders. You don’t want it, but you need it, “… I am here to see you, [Name], I’ve noticed you’ve been distancing yourself from everything - to the point where it’s a little too much for my taste. Everyone is concerned for you.”
…
“… I’m worried.”
You turn silent. What, why is he worried? You get that he must’ve been upset at the beginning, but shouldn’t he have forgotten you later on? That’s what has been going on with the other people in your life, you’d expect the same for him … You’d hope that’s what would happen anyways.
No way would you let him be concerned over someone like … you.
“No no - no, why are you … you … you shouldn’t. I’m so sorry, god no -”
Great, look what you’ve done, you’ve troubled him.
“Aren’t you mad at me? For ignoring you … I think you’re confused -”
You deserved to be yelled at, stop abusing his kindness.
“Please, I know I do not deserve you, it’s okay if you’re thinking about breaking up then I’m completely fine with it -”
“Shut it.”
… What?
Now he’s the one who remains silent, letting you gape at the sudden harshness in his voice. He means it, in a stern way - letting you know that he’s absolutely serious.
You broke.
“It’s so hard being around you - or anyone, at the moment. Right now, I’m having a little trouble t-try … trying not to sob because … I’m so fucking pathetic. I think you should go now, ” You tried to laugh over the upcoming hitches in your throat, a sad attempt, honestly - you feel as if you’d spill all over by a little nudge, “it’s for the best, well - you shouldn’t see me this way -”
“Babe … stop it already.”
“I-I can’t ! Don’t you want to y-yell at your anger -”
“Stop.”
Opting to wrap an arm around you, pulling you even closer towards his chest - giving you the warmth you’ve been longing for endlessly during the days you’ve been asocial. Vocally, no, but unknowingly … you’d wrap your arms tightly around him out of instinct.
“I love you so much,” he whispers.
The tears that you held onto, for weeks now, are you finally able to let go in the presence of another.
You’d weep miserably into his chest, but it’s okay ! Josuke is here to encourage you to let it all out. Gently patting your back, drawing circles on it in a soothing manner as you bawled out your eyes. He cradles you like a newborn baby, rocking the both of you back and forth ….
