Im having a lot of thoughts and I’m trying to turn them into something constructive instead of destructive so heres some things I’m learning regarding how to help someone who is grieving. I can’t ever speak for everyone so just make decisions based on what you know about the person who is having a difficult time but maybe this will give some ideas.
When Someone is Grieving
- Ask if they want/provide company in whatever form they would like (in person, phone call, texting, at home, going out somewhere, playing a game, watching something, hugging, etc.) Ask this more than once because grief doesn’t last one day.
- Ask if they want to talk either about the loss or as a distraction. If the first then listen and be supportive - if the latter then talk about something unrelated that the person is interested in (game show book activity etc. ask them questions about it or talk about what you know regarding it). Again ask this more than once. If they already opened up then ask if there is anything else they didn’t mention yet thats on their mind or anything they did mention that they still need to discuss or process.
- Ask if they ate anything, ask if they want food. Keep checking in to make sure they are eating and drinking. Give them food preferably something easy to eat or something they like.
- Send them something of comfort - blanket, pillow, plush - item can depend on the person. I know the big thing is food and I still say thats number one. But speaking as someone who has no support system where I live - meaning no one to talk to or get any physical comfort from like a hug - i have to rely on myself and the things around me so receiving items that are physically there from people who ARE a support system is comforting. It can be bought or something made and doesn’t have to be big - you know the person just keep them in mind when deciding.
- If you can, and the person is okay with you being at their place - go and help clean. Just doing dishes or laundry or vacuuming would be a huge help and make the persons environment better. Its so difficult to do anything when it feels like your world is broken and living in a messy environment makes it that much harder.
- If they do open up about whatever they are feeling do not respond with “i dont know what to say” if you dont know then just reassure them you are there for them or even just that you are sorry they are dealing with whatever it is and ask if they need anything. This may be a personal thing but being told “i dont know what to say” is always the worst thing for me to hear and makes me feel like a burden or like im making the person uncomfortable and they want me to stop. And I know the people who say this mean well but it makes me feel guilty regardless. And obviously anything dismissive like “it will be fine/its not that bad/ ive been through worse” is a horrible response but i assume most people with an ounce of empathy know this already.
- Ask them more than once how they are doing. And i don’t mean back to back or excessively but at some point each day or every so often check in - not everyone will reach out even if you tell them to and assure them if they need anything to ask. Take the initiative and check in - it means so much and also the person is more likely to actually talk and say what they need to say.
- Send them things that make you think of them. A song, a video, a meme, whatever it is idc as long as its genuine. Just another way to show you are there and thinking of them without directly asking or bringing up whatever it is the person is dealing with.
- Keep in mind, whatever the person is dealing with - the void of loss or grief or pain will be constantly present especially when the event is recent. The pain may subside if they are distracted while talking or spending time with you but the second that distraction ends the void is back. Things will take time - be patient with the person.
- Take care of yourself as well depending on whats happening but do not make the other person feel like a burden.
- Most importantly: Tell them you love them.
