I'm the one who's been in the deepest denial of us being a system for years, and when I front after a while of not being here, I get those moments where the fact this is all real downs on me. Honestly, it's a pretty scary feeling to me. Especially now that for the past half a year or so that I haven't been the main one in control anymore, I had time for it all to really hit me. I see all the ways in which our life has changed now that Jerric is in charge, as well as all the signs of it looking back on our past, and it's so obvious that I'm really not alone in this body. I can't just pretend in front of ourselves that we're fine and don't have this disorder.
There's something in realizing I wasn't the one living our life for the past weeks that I'll probably never fully get used to, after being the main host for so many years (but I don't want to be a host ever again and I hope I never will be). I look at my plushie companions and remember how much I missed them because I haven't touched or talked to them in weeks, I look at my things and realize I haven't worn them in months, that I haven't laid in my favorite sleeping spot that I used to sleep in almost every night for months either. It also takes my mind a bit to catch up on the memories of what's happened since the last time I was around, so some changes can be surprising at first. I don't know. It can be such a uniquely unsettling experience, that I don't think anyone who doesn't have a CDD will ever understand.
