is it weird that i feel like i need someone to tell me that i'm worthless and i deserved to die in the first place? i need some confirmation that 'yes, you're worthless and you should go die in a hole because nobody cares about you and even if they do they're just lying because you literally have zero redeeming quality and are a burden to everyone, please kill yourself so everyone don't have to put up with your shit anymore'. i'm pretty close to giving up now. maybe i'll do it soon. -stormey
Hi love,
I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. No, that doesn’t sound weird at all. It sounds like you’re looking for that push to help you go through with hurting yourself. But we are here to help you live, not help you die. We are here to give you support and help you hold on.
So with that being said, you’re not worthless, love. Nobody on this planet is worthless. You are important no matter what. You know why? Because you are 100% unique. No one has has ever existed with your exact combination of looks, personality, likes, dislikes, talents, and flaws. And no one exactly like you will ever exist again. You are the only you there is and ever will be. That right there makes you extremely important, because no one can offer exactly what you have to offer.
Also, dying isn’t the answer to your problems. As long as you are alive, there is hope. As long as you are alive, things can get better! The second you die, all of that hope goes right out the window. You have no idea what is waiting for you right around the corner. You may feel better next year, next month, next week, or even tomorrow. You never know what the future holds, and that chance of things getting better is worth living for.
Basically, there’s a war going on inside of you. One part of you, the depression, wants you to kill yourself. The other part, the part that is afraid of death, wants you to live. When you find yourself thinking those negative things about yourself or wanting confirmation of those negative things, that’s the depression side talking. Please, don’t listen to it. That’s what depression does: it distorts your perception of reality and yourself and makes you think things that aren’t true. Have you ever put on someone else’s glasses and everything was all blurry and out of focus? Depression is kind of like that: when you find yourself thinking those thoughts and feeling that way, you aren’t seeing things clearly.
I want you to take a look at this quote that I heard recently in the movie “Tomorrowland.” I’m pretty sure it’s an old quote that’s been around for a while, but it really resonated with me and I think it really applies to your situation.
“There are two wolves who are always fighting. One is darkness and despair. The other is light and hope. The question is: which wolf wins?The one you feed”
With that being said, you have to feed the right wolf. In order to do that, can you talk to anybody about how you’re feeling, like any friends or family members? Please tell somebody so they can get you help and help keep you safe. Please tell someone so they can help you fight these thoughts and help you feed the right wolf!
At the very least, could you look into getting professional help? Secrecy fuels the fire of depression and suicidal thoughts, and keeping this to yourself will eat away at you from the inside out. It’s really important that you talk to somebody about this so that they can help you!
Can you do me a favor? Can you get a piece of paper? Then can you write down all of the people you love and care about? Then write down all of your favorite hobbies. Then write down all of your dreams and goals. Then write down all of the things you want to do in life. Then write down places you want to visit and people you want to meet. Then write down your favorite food. Your favorite music. Your favorite flower. Your favorite season. Your favorite animal.
See all of these things? These are all things you will miss out on if you kill yourself. These are all reasons you should keep living.
You don’t have to fight this battle on your own, love. What you’re going through is treatable with therapy, medication, and support from professionals and loved ones. So please reach out for the help you need and deserve!
<3 Jen