Lesbian Inflorescence
For the longest time, I was so cautious and ashamed about reading lesbian stuff. I felt unerringly drawn to it, but I had such a powerful internal prohibition against being an intruder in that space – a shameful interloper sullying it for everyone else – that I mostly avoided it. It's only now, well into my second year of transition, that I feel like those old walls are fully breached, and I'm finally free to read all the deranged lesbian novels and sappy yuri and horny dyke poetry I want.
The amount I want, it turns out, is kind of a lot. Here are some recent favourites.
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Monique Wittig - The Lesbian Body
This experimental French novel from 1973 hits a high watermark of sapphic insanity that I'm not sure has ever been equalled. Most of it is the narrator and her lover performing surreal erotic surgeries on each other: digging through the viscera and loving each other from the inside out. Long past the point where an ordinary person would be expected to have died, these women endure: grinning and licking each other's brains, spooling small intestines in their hands, always finding more of each other to love. Absolute engulfment.
Sakaomi Yuzaki – She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat
On the other end of the spectrum entirely: the sweetest manga imaginable about two neighbours slowly wending their way into becoming each other's most important person, through the central mechanism of cooking and eating together. Page upon page is devoted to the wordless erotics of Kasuga methodically eating large amounts of food while Nomoto grins at her starry-eyed. They make a refuge for each other from the world, and everything they need is already there. It's so fucking great.
Bonus treat: there's a live-action TV show that's also a complete delight. I watched it through with my girlfriend (always over breakfast, the rule delightfully became), and while it's even slower to build than the comic, it also has gorgeous performances from both leads. You can find video files and fan-made subtitles for season one and season two here, provided by the lovely Furritsubs.
Beautiful Barbarians: Lesbian Feminist Poetry
I'm obsessed with this collection. Published by Onlywomen Press in the UK in 1986, each author is given a photo-bio and at least four poems, and they come to you like a series of sit-down conversations with older wiser women handing you earthenware mugs of tea and instructing you how to pay attention. There are a variety of styles and concerns, but the connecting thread is the aliveness, the nearness, the groundedness. There is breath in all of these lungs, and in yours.
Takashi Ikeda – The Two of Them Are Pretty Much Like This
Another lovely, quiet, slice-of-life yuri manga, with delicate attention to the relationship dynamic between its two leads (already in a relationship and living together), and a lot of lived-in insights into their work as a voice actor and romance writer respectively. I love the way Wako and Sakuma are always touching in this: lovingly flopping over each other, encouragingly patting a head, lazily stroking a thigh. I sent a genuinely ridiculous number of panels from this manga to my girlfriend, all giddily captioned "us!!!" It's gorgeous.
There's one fact about this manga that's kind of odd, and that is that it is – putatively – written by a man, Takashi Ikeda. I've generally avoided yuri written by men (for obvious reasons), but this one struck me immediately as an exception. It was only once I got to Volume 4 that it became clarified for me why. In that book, a new character is introduced: a highschool baseball player who also lives in their building, and who's very nearly the first male character of the entire series. (Whatever others there are are all extremely minor and incidental.) This kid sees Wako and Sakuma out together, mistakenly believing that tall, deep-voiced Sakuma is a trans woman – and not just any trans woman, but one who's pulling it off amazingly, with a cute girlfriend and a loose comfy style and an enviable ease about her – and immediately understands, "Oh God, I want that."
The kid has a bunch of normal egg doubts ("It's not like I hate my body ... and I'm aware that I won't look good in women's clothes ... and there's no way I can be the ace of a weak baseball team if I have a woman's body ..."), but the force of the revelation is obvious. She's a young gay trans woman, and seeing Sakuma and Wako together clarified the vision of that for her. It also, at the same time, clarified for me why this series is able to be so good.
Takashi Ikeda, you can take hormones! If you want to be a woman, you can literally be one! It's a messy process, but it really does work!
I know there are different schools of thought about how rude it is to draw these kinds of inferences about others, but honestly: it just makes so much sense of the whole series. I suspected even before the transfeminine storyline in Volume 4, just because of how lovingly observed Sakuma and Wako's dynamic was and how utterly peripheral men are to their world. (More precisely: I voiced to my girlfriend my suspicion that the author was a closeted trans woman or a cis lesbian using a masculine pen name. Either way, a straight man was off the table!) The introduction of the transfeminine highschooler – and that one devastating page especially: the scrunched-up face in the bath, the lurching memory of that want, the flash of a different body – was just the cherry on top. Politely, babygirl: no cis guy is writing and drawing that. Not like that.
It's silly, but I desperately want to tell this mangaka that I have never met: I promise it's possible. You can have this kind of relationship. You can look at your body with actual affection and pride, because you chose to make it more what you want it to be. I know it seems unfeasible now, when the obstacles are so much nearer and more clarified than the rewards, but once you start: all you'll be able to regret is not having started earlier. You don't even need to go through doctors if you don't want! DIY hormones are available with just a bit of intrepid Googling. Wanting it is the only requirement. This can happen for you.
And I don't say this from the position of someone who's transitioned flawlessly and completely, who's had a panoply of surgeries and is read as a woman in 100% of social situations. I'm in a much clumsier middleground than that. The world at large doesn't quite get it, and likely never will. But where it matters most – that is: in being loved by my girlfriend as a woman, having her experience my body top-to-bottom as a feminine body, and finally living as a lesbian in a way that it's just laughable for anyone to deny – I'm already there. I thought it would take so much longer, but I'm already there. And it honestly makes all that other stuff, all the other difficulties, pale in comparison.
(Drawing of us by Sardonic Tuna, commissioned by my girlfriend and sent to me literally while I was putting the finishing touches on this blog post. Lou I love you so much 😭)