She tried not to show it. And Morrigan doesn't quite know how to react with becoming friends with the Warden. But Elissa finds herself daydreaming of kissing Morrigan's neck near where her necklaces lie, wondering how in the world she stays warm in her outfit and keeps trying to push warmer gear on her, and how gorgeous her eyes look when they sit by her little fire and Morrigan tells her stories.
Morrigan sees her as a sister, not a lover. And she knows the feelings Elissa has, but is also torn when she knows she does not return them.
Elissa eventually finds comfort in Alistair's arms. Yes, she prefers women, but crushes on men were not unheard of for her. He is so different than Morrigan, and in time she finds herself loving both more than she thought was possible. Alistair is not the rebound; their relationship is their own thing.
And then the night of the Dark Ritual.
Riordan has told them that the ultimate sacrifice must be made. That there is a chance that if he cannot make the final blow, one of them will have to. She walks out of Riordan's room and both she and Alistair agree they need to process what they both heard before they talk about it. She goes to her room and Morrigan is there.
Morrigan tells her of her plan, and Elissa's heart shatters.
She feels used, like her friendship was a lie this whole time. Morrigan, almost in tears, insists that she's trying to save the Warden's life, and that no one has ever meant so much to her.
The unrequitted feelings Elissa has for Morrigan hits her so strongly she almost sways on her feet. She's wanted Morrigan so bad and now she's asking her to cocere Alistair to sleep with her.
How could she ask Alistair to sleep with someone he hates? How could she deal with Alistair being intimate with Morrigan in a way she never could, and also hating every moment of it? How could she deal with the fact that a baby would result of this union? How would Alistair deal with it? What would the Wardens say when they find out what really happened?
She knows she's not thinking rationally, and there are tears in her eyes, and the thought of Morrigan leaving and her never being seen again brings both thoughts of "good" and "Maker please don't." Because she is so angry and so in love and she has spent a year watching death and destruction and images of her father bleeding to death burned in her head. The lifeless bodies of her sister-in-law and nephew haunt her dreams more than the darkspawn. Knowing that no matter how brave her mother was, she is now dead too.
She has had no time to grieve and had to keep pushing herself to the side to make the decisions to save her country because no one else can.
She's so tired. More than anything she wants to hold Morrigan and cry in her arms and wish she didn't have to make that choice. She knows that Morrigan is trying to save her but the irrational anger makes her speak before she considers her words.
She fought Morrigan's mother for her, and the battle almost killed her. And this is how she's repayed?
Her words are biting and she knows she cannot take them back after they're said. Morrigan leaves.
Elissa and Alistair watch as Riordan falls from the Archdemon's wing. One of them is bound to die now, if they can even make it to Fort Drakon.
Alistair will not let her make the sacrifice.
The Blight gave Elissa two of the most precious people in her life, and then cruelly ripped them away.
The celebrations feel hollow, even when Alistair is given a funeral fit for a hero and a king.
When Fergus looks into her eyes, he sees a pain greater than his own, which he didn't think possible. They hold each other, not caring about what the Landsmeet will think of such shows of affection.
Zevran, who has been a dear friend this whole time, doesn't leave her side until he's forced to elude the Crows by disappearing before Elissa's appointment to Vigil's Keep. He promises he will be back soon, but "soon" is relative. It hurts him to do so, for he has also always loved Elissa.
When Elissa get's to Vigil's Keep, words cannot describe how happy she is to see Oghren. Here is a comarde, and ally, a friend. Mhari is an excellent fighter and Anders' healing is on par with Wynne's, but she does not know them.
Nothing is ever simple, and now there's talking darkspawn, and now she has to be an Arl and not just a Commander, and this was not something she expected when she became a Grey Warden.
She is sent to deal with a prisoner in the dungeon, and knows who he is the moment she sees him. She wants so badly to turn around and ignore him, but she needs to be strong for her people. She looks into Nathaniel's eyes and sees the same hurt - his family, dead; the life he was raised to live stripped away from him - and she cannot hate him. For as much as he despises her, he is not his father.
She sets him free, but he comes back, wanting to work to redeem his name. She will not turn down skilled help, but for so long, seeing him reminds her of all that she's lost. The only way she can cope, sometimes, is to help him not get to where she was forced into.
Her heart leaps with joy when she hears Delilah is alive.
It is almost too much when Fergus comes to visit, and runs into Nathaniel for the first time in eight years. Fergus did not see what Elissa did in the dungeon, and is not so quick to forgive. But Fergus also didn't feel how the cold sensation in her chest when she killed Rendon Howe.
They used to be the best of friends. She cannot deal with it.
When Nathaniel and Anders start to show interest in each other, Elissa tries to encourage it the best she can. Because it's crazy and Nathaniel and Anders aren't her and Morrigan, but she wants to give her now-friend Nathaniel something she didn't get to have. She wants her friends to be happy.
She can't remember if it was Nathaniel who moved into Anders' room or visa versa.
Anders eventually disappears, along with Justice, leaving a pile of Templar corpses in their wake. Elissa wonders what good she has done for her friend.
Nathaniel doesn't talk about Anders.
When Elissa receives word that Morrigan has been spotted, she knows she has to look for her. Years have calmed her mind from that night, but when she tries to speak in a mirror the words she wants to say, her mouth feels like it is full of wool.
It is refreshing, to have Cat the Mabari with her. Cat doesn't speak as humans do, and it is nice to have someone who understands her who won't force her to talk about past adventures. Finn and Ariane are strangers, and mostly talk with each other.
When Morrigan offers Elissa to come with her, she cannot refuse. Morrigan still doesn't feel towards Elissa what she wishes in her heart of hearts that she would.
But more than anything, she misses her best friend.
Cat is allowed to come, and Ariana and Finn are left confused in the Dragonbone Waste.
No one knows where Elissa Cousland has been since.
