#..jkb

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I’ve had too many revelations today for them to feel comfortable under my skin. The weight on my collarbone is eased only by its connection to my throat. Everything is closing over itself and my wings won’t spread behind me - they’re defective and wet and won’t solidify. I feel something crawling up my spine, connecting at the core of me and crawling up trying to work its way out my mouth. Everything is too much and too many to contain, my divinity spills from open orifices and pushes the closed ones open so yelloworangeredblue can spill from my eyes and lips and ears and arms. My head is a balloon, a tv tuned to a dead channel. There’s a vacancy behind my eyes - a gas station closed for business, closed for good on an abandoned desert highway that stretches on into eternity. 

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Showman That's your job I used to think the things you say were repetitive because they came from the heart But maybe it's the same script night after night after night Is your heart empty after all these nights? Sold sincerity for success? You say you're the last man standing, the last bastion of authenticity Who are you trying to convince? I used to believe you but I don't think you can turn a whisper to a scream from your heart anymore Too tired to do anything but go through the enthusiastic motions. Your best man left you at the altar and you wonder why he abandoned you He couldn't fake it anymore Couldn't take it anymore Couldn't show up at the church of rock n roll when your heart wasn't in the room His spirit couldn't carry him through the door It's not a brotherhood it's a business and I lost my faith in the almighty dollar

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It's hard to hear that what was a band of brothers Was just lip service for you Those who really cut their hands and swore saw you with disdain And I defended the honor you never had Maybe his voice spoke through me Saying what he needed to believe to make his spirit drag his feet through the door And through the smoke and haze of the after party When you looked at him in the lights when all eyes were on you What was love of the spotlight felt sincere If you don't love me, lie to me I'll believe what I need to believe That somewhere in those chords is a soul that believes what he says I think that's what I'm holding on to

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We don’t talk about these things. Things like being on my knees for him and just finding purpose in existing. We don’t talk about these things. Things like sitting next to him, a jackal in the desert We don’t talk about these things. What happens in the duat stays in the duat.

But seeing someone else talk about these things shakes me to my core. Why don’t we talk about these things?

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i’m sleeping in all the beds i’ve ever slept in walking through a dozen empty apartments parking lots and starlight, street lights make the world new i’ve got just this drink and my fingers laced with ghosts i can feel the tracks under my feet and when the train goes by it shakes my soul these windows are dirty, but i look out through them and see a world i never belonged to i’m looking in to warm living rooms and lives i’ll never lead i just want to understand the way other people dream because nothing makes sense anymore and i want to find refuge in a place that will never be mine empty shells of empty hearts there’s a spark in your heart to light my cigarette on i’ll breathe you in and keep you under my skin it’s the only way we can connect because you’ll never let me in