#..pistol

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you rose above me, soaring into the sun light rips through you like water delirious sweet seas smell of sordid summertime

drunk on his honey, mad off bitter spray still these fingers ache for you my skin screaming hot need like a symphony of death

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summer symphony how hot can a day be swim the sea beneath her, lie in his lust sit languidly in a garden sweet rain please sing to me he said “a lazy life will rust” but we live like we want here in bed, sweat cooling on my skin your dress on the wind a drunk dream

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just getting some things out of my system

if i’m a weapon what are you if i’m a pistol you’re a bullet i’ll provide the firepower launch you into orbit

dancing in kitchens forgotten by the world riding waves of memory wood weathered by time the dusty mirror in the back room reflects someone else’s memory overlaid over mine i’m bleeding colors that aren’t mine yellow and blue, sunshine on ocean waves if he’s the sun, i’m the moon polar opposite and blue

but he’s not my sun you shine brighter than anything iv’e ever seen blinding and i couldn’t tell you were there for so long because i couldn’t see past the lights blind blind blind

the music comes to me, the music follows me follow me home you’re my worst kept secret but everyone knows that’s not true can’t be true and it helps me keep it close to the chest where they can’t see my cards falling falling on the table everything’s laid out here

my ribcage is open the bird is flying out crashing into your glass window pane of weathered wood houses memories on top of now what’s real and what’s a rose tinted nostalgia dream

i felt you breath behind me walking up felt the heavy presence of someone behind me the intake of breath as you watched my words but something was wrong, turned my head and the lights came back on brighter no more shadow over my shoulder it was just the ghost of you

i can see you over there a million miles away laughing at people who aren’t me, laughing with people who aren’t me, smiling with people who are so far from me that i can’t ever measure up checked my height on the wall last week not an inch over sixteen stopped reaching for the stars because i’d already landed in them i thought stopped growing up started growing into you

vines tangled between me and you there’s no tearing them apart without killing both of them can’t cut out the cancer without cutting out my heart and it’s hard to live without the beat beat beat beat four on the floor and i’m three sheets to the wind floating over fields, wheat and pale white over mountains, to a place he remembers a place that isn’t quite the same for him as it is for me the cabin is where the music happened for me but for him it’s where his heart broke left it in the bed everything’s red, everyone knows how can no one see it spreading spreading

no one knows but me how don’t they see it it’s so obvious they must see it they don’t they’re automatic, walking streets in a trance nothing outside of themselves nothing outside of their immediate demands briefcase in hand every day never me never me i can’t hold that handle i can’t bear the weight

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i’m scared to stop, i’m scared to sit here with the words in my head drowning out 1990 blasting out of the speakers behind me a different year than i was drowning in before i don’t want them stuck stuck stuck i haven’t felt this free in years he hasn’t felt this leak out of him since summer sun poured in the window heating up the space between a notebook and a hazy dream warm hands, cold arms

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knock me out of reverie down a cold shiver i’m lost shaking i can’t keep it in drop me down

- willow and rye it’s less dangerous in the dark i could rewrite these words like he’s done at least one time before a call and response to the future of failures bigger than his he’s a bigger asshole but i’ve lost more and we both know it

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bring everyone you know to the show just watch and listen and become someone else somewhere else lose yourself and find a friend the girl next to you with the smirk you dance next to her you dance up next to her and when you go home it’s not alone when did things get this low a fuck instead of a hello

it’s less dangerous in the dark i’m already here so you might as well it’s too late for you, i’m contagious and dumb i’m already here so you might as well mixed drinks and mixed loves a typo but i’ll keep her mixed hearts and mixed up lies we tell ourselves to bleed it out and get it on

i’m the best at failure and i know no one can measure up so while i’m having a dick measuring contest with you i know that at least i’m lucky to be here four plus four minus two minus you but you’re still next to me a ghost over my shoulder all three and sometimes plus two plus one

why do you do this i have to do something to make me feel alive it’s hard to find something that doesn’t make me want to find a place to hide i want to smile for now at the sun even if it’s a lie

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cold hands warm heart the cold on my neck in the winter is the ghost of your hands i shiver now for a different reason than i shivered then fall apart at the onset of winter the sea is a darker place without the sun grey clouds, dark stormy seas a red room, black and decadent everything is spilling the room is spinning my skin is burning up from the fire in my veins this is when i lost it this is when i tripped on my own heart bleeding on the ballroom floor i didn’t even notice until i was down on the ground red faced and red handed crawling across the floor to drag you down with me the evidence all over call a bloodspatter expert because there can’t be any witnesses everyone who saw is blind everyone who saw forgot for their own good it’s easier pretending if you don’t remember what you did last night but my heart doesn’t fit back in the hole the same i’m rough around the edges now and the littlest thing will tip it out of my chest

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this is one of those days where sadness is heavy in your bones you can wrap yourself in blankets but the cold just seeps in  the sunlight is only a dim grey memory on the horizon there’s a hum in the wires,  appliances doing our chores we sit in silence doing what we can to be here covered in brown covered in blue

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I'm the new currency Current me is Currently Careening toward disaster I'm a car crash Look at me I'm everything you wanted to see I'll never be what you want me to be

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I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay I said that yesterday and I feel it today Its loud in my speakers and louder in my head Can’t wait to burn this bridge and find another dead end Want to lose myself almost as much as I want to lose you I used to dream about the future but now I just dream about Who we used to be  And how much I hated it

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It’s like I learned to tell the future Melancholy knows no time Summers are just summers, timeless and forever Always ending and I’m scared of what comes after Everything dies in the fall I don’t know why I thought love would be any different