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do you go through the 5 stages of grief when you lose yourself?

i. denial. because at first, you won’t admit it. you’ve been strong this long, you’ve made it this far. even if there are scrapes and scars, even if the blood on your hands is forever stained, even if there is a permanent shake in your voice. you made it. you can’t lose now. maybe tomorrow, or next week. but not now. you’ve worked so hard, for what?

it’s hard to even think about it, so you don’t. right? you ignore the reflection in the mirror, even though you know the bags under your eyes have grown darker. you shake your head when offered comfort, even if your body is screaming for it. you lay awake at night, breath stuttering and cheeks stained. but you don’t think about it. you can’t. you’re fine. you have to be. you will be. you are.

…right?

ii. wrong. anger comes next. it hits fast and hard and in ways you had never really expected it to. are you angry at yourself? do you hit your fists against your legs until they bruise? do you pull at your hair and angrily wipe the tears of frustration that fall without your permission? does it bubble in your chest until all you can do is scream and cry and turn into your own worst nightmare?

do you take it out on yourself? or other people? your sister, who just asked you to do the dishes? did you sneer at her, did you glare? were the words on your tongue so cruel and foul that her eyes filled with tears? did that satisfy you? for someone else to hurt? will you do it again and again, even if it’s wrong and you feel worse every time, but someone else is hurting too so it’s fine. they need to know you’re angry, they need to understand it. they need to feel it too, huh? does that help?

iii. you’re beginning to not recognize yourself anymore. that’s the scariest part of this all, isn’t it? you don’t know who you are anymore, and you’re beginning to forget who you were. that’s terrifying. you’re sad, and angry, and scared. you’re confused and you want to cry and yell and run until the air in your lungs turn to dust and take every thought you’ve ever had with it. that’s not too much to ask for, is it? to just go back? to when you were a kid and the wind felt cool, and the sun was a bit brighter, and the sounds of the playground creaking brought a smile to your face.

you wish and scream and beg the stars and whoever is listening, if anything or anyone is, to let you back. to let you have a do-over. to let you try one more time, you’ll get it right this time, you promise. right? you’ll be happier, you’ll run outside a little longer, you’ll pick more flowers and talk about your feelings and fall in love and be a better daughter. it’s okay, you can do it. you’ll do good this time around, you swear.

iv. unfortunately this next part you’re used to, aren’t you? the drastic change from feeling too much to not feeling enough, and back again. the days are the same. wake up, feel something, wish you didn’t, feel nothing, wish you could, go to sleep. again, and again, and again. you’re stuck in a loop, aren’t you? it hurts, doesn’t it? can you even feel that?

can you feel the food you ate? did you remember? you didn’t shower did you? it’s okay, nobody is around to care anyways. it’s just you. only you. it’s always just you. who are you? it doesn’t matter. your hair is a mess. you can’t get out of bed. your mind is racing, your heart is beating too fast, it’s not supposed to be that fast right? are you dying? do you want to? are you scared?

v. whoever you were, they’re gone now. that’s what the steps say right? you must accept it now. no going back, the deed is done. there are ashes on the floor from whatever fire took the light you used to have in your eyes. you can vacuum them up now, a better version of you won’t spawn from those. you’re just you. whatever that’s supposed to mean now.

what will you do now? you’ve cried, you’ve screamed, you threw yourself into a loop. it’s done, isn’t it? your smile has changed. nobody mentions it, but you don’t laugh the same either. that’s okay, it was meant to happen. that’s just life, right? you lose people. it happens.

they don’t really mention losing yourself though, do they?

and even after all that, did you mourn yourself? (no.)