#.negative

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and I'm crying again. I'm so tired guys I don't know I try I really do I really wanna be happy and okay but I can't take this anymore it's all just too much. I know I'm overreacting because of how hungry I am and that it's making me not think clearly but it's just so unfair!!!!! Everything is so unfair and no one cares and I'm not a little kid who can ask their teacher for help anymore. I'm an adult and I'm supposed to manage these things on my own but I can't. My parents say that my autism is no excuse and that I'm not disabled even if it affects my life. But I don't think a "normal" person would be living like this. And I don't think that normal parents should act like this. But every time I try to bring it up they just call me selfish and lazy and irresponsible and SELFISH! they always say I only think about myself and don't care about others. But I feel like I gave everything away for others. Fuck, my ex girlfriend did what she did to me because I couldn't say no to previous things because I was afraid of upsetting her. I feel like my whole life has just been me caring too much about what others think and want and feel, even if it's in spite of myself. But they don't care. And my mom hugs me as if nothing happened and my dad buys me a juice box of my favorite brand as an apology even if he never says it. And I know I will never be able to live on my own I know it's impossible I know so I will have to live with this forever. And I'm so hungry oh my god I haven't eaten anything substantial all day just some coffee and tortillas with a bit of cheese hours ago I feel like I'm gonna throw up just because of how hungry I am. Why don't they care. I don't understand what I did that was so wrong. I don't get it, I'm so upset and I'm so scared and I really want to keep going but I'm so tired you guys. I'm so tired and I'm so scared and I'm crying and no one is going to come and help me and I can't even sleep to avoid it all because of the hunger. god, I don't know who to ask for help anymore

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I wish I could live on my own and to cook my own meals and to EAT ENOUGH EVERY DAY to be able to live and think and have energy but I can't afford it. I can't even afford my classes as it is and I'm at risk of losing my scholarship right now which would make it all way worse. Because I was too tired to be able to do my assignments with the limited free time I got from work. It's so stupid it's all so stupid and I'm so fucking hungry

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tw for mentions of disordered eating (ask to tag as anything you need me to)

I think being hungry all the time is genuinely affecting my brain but I know my parents don't care and don't like me to complain about it. But I'm genuinely just. Suffering. Daily. I want to cry every single day because I just can't eat normally and my head and my stomach hurt and I get nauseous from how hungry I am. I get irritated and tired and emotional because I don't eat enough and what I eat is pure junk food! But they don't care and I can't afford to get the ingredients and make my own meals every day so I'm just stuck. stuck at eating chicken nuggets and takeout and hot dogs and fried milanesa with nothing to accompany it and tortillas with some chicken my mom knows I hate. I don't know why this keeps happening I wish I was normal and I wish I had money and I wish I could have dinner right now because I'm so fucking hungry but I can't eat that and my mom got pissed at me when I said I didn't know whether I'd have dinner or not.

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ugh this day has been awful. it's been so hard to get out of bed lately and even to wake up, I just sleep for hours on end whenever I have the chance to. Sometimes even when I really really shouldn't because I have important things to do. I'm so hungry I didn't eat an actual meal the whole day and I can't bring myself to go have dinner because it's just tortillas with a bit of chicken and my brain randomly decided I can't eat that tonight. So I'm just hungry and unable to eat, very anxious for no reason, and up at 1:18 AM. and I have classes tomorrow. god.

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I know I'm contradicting myself I just don't know anything okay I know it was bad but I'm not sure it was that bad or if I'm just being dramatic I don't know this is all so stupid

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tw mentions of sa

I want someone to care I want someone to actually listen and to stay even after seeing how horrible I can be sometimes. She promised me she'd never leave me to be alone and that she'd love me forever and she didn't lie but why would she do that. I know I said yes to a lot but I convinced myself I was doing it because I wanted to do it and not because I was literally afraid of her getting upset. And I also feel so guilty because she was suffering so much and I know she probably still is and she begged me not to leave her and she asked me to hug her one last time and I couldn't. I said no because the idea of hugging her after everything was so, so insane to me. So stupid and so disgusting and it would only be to leave her with a good memory of me instead of me being upset. And I didn't want to give her that, I guess. I didn't want her to think it was all okay because she said she was sorry. I don't know. I couldn't even feel anything at that moment, I just wanted the conversation to be over and to go watch reels in my room or whatever. I can be so cruel and it makes me feel so horrible but what right does she have to want me to pity her? I don't know. I don't know anything I'm quite frankly spiraling right now and it's nearly 2 am and everyone's asleep and I don't know I'm freaking out a bit but whatever I'll just go to sleep

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tw discussions of sa

Its just. I thought I was okay. I was happy I was okay. But then I remembered the pictures she constantly asked me to send and the weird messages and the comments and everything and it was like a nearly healed wound that started bleeding again. I cant call her an abuser even if what she did was literally abuse because I just can't I can't say that I really did love her you know and I know she's going through a lot and I know she loved me. And the worst part is when it happened I didn't hate it until it was over. I didn't even cry. I said I was scared but I wasn't I was just confused until it was over and then it felt like the weight of the world was falling on top of me. And I was a bit relieved that something bad happened because it meant that I had a reason to be suffering. Was it really that bad or am I just so fucked up in the head that I took the first opportunity I had for an excuse to be miserable. I don't know man I don't know how to handle this. I was doing better I'm so stupid