"She was half a human and half a hurricane. a half that’s living to destroy and a half that’s trying to survive.”
It was paranoia that made her turn her phone off the second day of calls. She left her phone at home purposely the next day and went to work and made a million excuses to not go home, because if she was home, her curiosity would get the best of her.
She was running away, and that morning, she could tell Patrick and Mallory sensed a change when she walked into the diner, a gust of wind nearly shoving her inside, as if fate or the world cared if she showed up to her job or not. Patrick was standing behind the till, getting it ready for the day ahead of them and Mallory was still in her winter coat, talking with him. The erie silence that followed her arrival set her off, “What?” She snapped, her voice hostile and she shoved past them. Her hands were shaking, and she knew it was from a lack of sleep she had as she tossed and turned, wondering why he’d be calling her.
At one point in the night, she almost crawled out of bed to scream at him, because how dare he come waltzing into her life - the life she rebuilt for herself! How dare he act like a welcomed guest into the salvage bits that took years to make structurally sound, as flawed as they were.
Jordy had almost cried three times the night before, and wanted to go into Kaci’s room, but couldn’t. Neither girl spoke anymore. If they saw each other, it was either complete silence or reminders of supplies they needed and a grunt or nod in reply. No one had budged to make it a full on fight and no one budged to right what was wrong, and Jordy would rather be dead than be the first one to cross that line and admit defeat. Stupid and stubborn, and even more important: lonely.
She felt exhausted, and her tiff with Dean didn’t help, nor did knowing what they did help either. Jordy hated that guilt that lingered inside her, she didn’t need it in her life. She had enough with Dean to be guilty about, and a night of sex would not be added to the list - not if she could help it.
Hanging up her coat, she heard the swinging door creak open and she sighed, expecting it to be Mallory. Things since the party had been off, and it felt like the only person on her side was surprisingly Patrick. She’d simply isolated herself and let her life have a patter: work, roam around the city, go to an audition when she had one and she closed her eyes when she heard him start. “So Mallory told me that Luke saw you leave Dean’s a few mornings ago.” His tone wasn’t accusatory, it was just simply stating a fact. She scoffed, “And if I was?” Patrick shrugged, “Entirely your business. We not an item, I don’t control what you do, J.” Jordy glared at him, “I don’t want to talk about this, Patrick.” He sighed, “Then leave the attitude here. You’re brooding, and that’s fine, but we have enough slack and you know it.”
She crossed her arms, “Fine. Whatever, I don’t care. Now can you leave me alone?” He gave her a long look, then turned, “Whatever, Jordy. For the record, you can shut us out, but it’s only going to be your loss.” As the door swung shut, she stood there and then turned away, angry. What did they know what she felt? Or what she was going through? How could they - but, then, that was the point. They didn’t know. She wouldn’t let them know, and she swallowed.
✧.:°░｡
Her phone buzzed along the counter that night as she made dinner. Not sparing it a glance, she continued to whisk eggs together in a bowl, adding cubed ham in as Kaci marched through the door, dance bag on her shoulder and scowl firm on her face. She dropped her bag with a loud thud and began to take off her winter clothes, hanging them beside Jordy’s near the door. Neither girl spared one another a glance as Kaci headed for her bedroom: the new normal.
In all the years, Jordy remembered their fights and most had been caused by two things: Jordy’s temper, and Jordy’s need to shut people out and isolate herself. Never had they fought about boys, or anything most friends fought about, they were strong - like a string woven of gold. But Jordy had been hurt by Kaci’s comment, and Kaci wasn’t going to apologize if she thought it what was what needed to be said. Two stubborn girls sat at a crossroad and Jordy hated it - she hated that this was a situation she was right in. Her pride refused to let the slap across the face go.
Kaci came out and without a glance, opened the fridge and removed a water bottle as Jordy’s phone started up again. Setting down the bowl, Jordy flipped the phone over, not sparing the screen a glance, though the buzzing grew worse. Kaci stared at her phone for a minute, sipping her water. “Can I help you?” Jordy snapped. “Nope,” the girl said, then sashayed out of the door and turned on the tv, flopping on the couch. The phone rang a few more times, and it was grating on both girls. Kaci turned, giving her phone an angry glare then turned to Jordy, “Who the fuck got clingy to you?” Jordy dropped her mixture into a hot pan and it sizzled loudly, “None of your fucking business,” she said. Kaci scoffed, “Whatever.” “Right back at you,” Jordy sneered, stirring the pan’s contents. When it was cooked, she divided it on to two plates, leaving one on the counter for Kaci without a word as she headed to her room, kicking the door shut behind her.
Sitting at her desk, she opened her computer doing research, as she always did, for open parts. Something had to change. She couldn’t allow herself to believe that this was it: a minimum wage job in her dream city with absolutely nowhere to go. Her whole life couldn't be a failure, it just couldn’t be. Her hands were quivering as she typed, looking at openings when there was a loud angry smack on her door that woke her from her focus. “You left your phone on the counter! I’m not listen to your stalker try and get in contact with you!” Jordy blinked and realized she’d been crying and angrily wiped her hands along it, trying to hide the evidence. “Deal with it,” she hissed loudly, not making any move to get up. “You’re such a fucking brat,” Jordy heard Kaci mutter and that was the match needed to spark the war. Jumping up, her chair toppled over and she didn’t spear it a second glance as she threw open her door, seeing Kaci move towards her room, “And you’re a selfish cunt!” She screamed at her best friend and Kaci whirled around, a fire burning in her brown eyes, “It would take one to know one, sweetie!”
Fist curled, Jordy’s lip curled upward, “Well since your so keen to judge me lately.” Kaci rolled her eyes, “You fucking dumb ass, it doesn’t matter if you slept with him - you never fucking think about it! You hurt him and hurt him, reel him back him after viciously tearing into him and hurt him some more, just leave him alone! Goddamn, you don’t want to be with him, fine, but don’t fuck up his life - don’t fuck up your own life! Grow up!”
“Don’t tell me what to do! Don’t act like you’re my fucking parent, Kaci. For the love of fucking god, you’re not my mother,” Jordy screamed, her face red with anger. “Someone has to be! Instead of treating the people who do love you with a little respect, you turn around and do whatever you please. Dean isn’t a toy you can constantly break and glue together, Jordy, he’s a person! What about what makes him happy.” Jordy tossed her hands out, a snort coming from her nose, “As if that’s Allison.” Kaci glared, “You pretentious little bitch,” she spewed, her voice so quiet and deadly as she zeroed in on her best friend, “I hate to break it to you, but you’re no great prize to have. I have nearly a whole decade worth of bullshit to back that statement up with.” It stung. It hurt her so deeply that if she wasn’t so angry, she’d have broke down and sobbed hysterically, but she swallowed, kept her posture and remembered her basics. “There’s the door,” she said nonchalantly gesturing to it. “You want out, Kace, I promise I won’t stop you.” The look on Kaci’s face said it all: the pain and regret of her statement, then the finality of it all. “If that’s the way you feel,” and with that, the girl turned on her heel and marched into her bedroom, the door slamming so hard that the apartment shook. Jordy copied her friend’s exit and threw herself onto the bed, clinging to her pillow as tears formed.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry, it doesn’t matter. Don’t let it fucking matter!
✧.:°░｡
She couldn’t sleep. Somewhere in the city, a car alarm was going off and in her mind it felt like it was next to her bedroom. She focused on it until the person turned it off, and then she focused on the traffic that lingered. In an hour, she’d have to get up for work and repeat her same, monotonous life she’d made for herself here. Slamming her fist into the mattress, she knew she wasn’t going to sleep tonight. If she had the will, she’d have called out, but she needed the money regardless of sleep or not.
A few times that night, Jordy had wanted to creep over to Kaci’s room and apologize. To talk about everything: her feelings about her father, the phone calls, and maybe even Dean, but she needed someone to talk about this with. She surprisingly hadn’t cried, just laid in her bed until she felt restless, but everything she tried was tossed aside: reading, watching a movie, writing, looking up auditions. It was that funk when your body won’t let you avoid what you so desperately want to and she hated it. Getting up, she headed to the bathroom and showered, opting to leave early and get some breakfast somewhere open.
As she put on her makeup in the bathroom, she paused, looking at herself from a new perspective. She was beautiful, but not glamourous. She was a beauty found in paintings, the dark eyes that told a story that a face like her’s shouldn’t know and pale pink lips that often held smirks or wicked grins. She had made guys flock to her, made them believe she was glamorous and someone above it all, but in truth, she was plain. Nothing special, nothing breathtaking, just a broken girl who supposedly looked like her mother.
Looking at herself, she capped her mascara, really taking it in. What should I do? She asked her reflection, thinking about her dad. Fuzzy memories of him, how ignored and unloved she felt. “How can I be so willing to forgive that?” She asked herself, feeling her chest ache and she sat down on the side of the tub, head in her hands as she looked at the tile floor, willing herself to not flat out sob right then and there.
It was a linger question that defined her life: why didn’t he love me? And soon, Jordy made herself unlovable and she couldn’t stop. She couldn’t let someone else let her down, to make her ask this question and rip herself to shreds to try and solve it. But Jordy hadn’t been that girl when her father dismissed her. She hadn’t been the cold exterior girl pretending to be something that she wasn’t, she was a little girl who just wanted her dad to love her. A joke, really, because after all these years, nothing had changed.
Hadn’t she asked herself when she first left what he’d do if tried to get in contact with her again? Hadn’t she imagined a thousands things he’d say and all the make believe fights they’d have? Scoffing, she looked up into the vanity mirror and grimaced at her reflection. She looked so worn and defeated. I don’t hate him…
✧.:°░｡
That day, she was like a ghost. She worked, said nothing outside of the customer service aspect, and when her break rolled around, everyone looked worried. She had a blank look on her face, she wasn’t snapping or causing fights, but this was somehow worse. It was like waiting for a storm to hit and no one knew what the category would be, how to prepare, if they should leave or simply take shelter and wait it out.
Patrick attempted to talk to her, Mallory offered to get a late lunch after their shift and both were answered with silence, like she hadn’t heard them. Her revelation simply consumed her and then she’d snap her head up, dazed. “What?” she’d asked, her eyes glassy. Mallory, gave her a concerned look that would have made her scoff but she was so tired of being angry - of being herself. “Jordy… are you okay? You’re not getting sick are you?” Patrick glanced, “As if our customers won’t be sick enough,” he said playfully as he nudged her, but nothing. His smile dropped and was replaced with a look of concern. “Jordy…?” But she moved aside, picking up her order like nothing had happened. And to her, nothing did.
✧.:°░｡
After her shift, she went home and curled up in her blanket, falling into a sleep full of voices and foggy memories she couldn’t see, and when she woke up, Kaci was sleeping at her desk chair, a blanket curled around her. Jordy blinked, unsure if she was still asleep or not, but there her best friend sat, sound asleep. There was a sandwich and a glass of water on her desk, and feeling how dry her throat was, Jordy crawled out of bed and began to greedily drink it. The noise, woke Kaci up and she jolted, looking dazed as she scanned the room and saw Jordy. “Hmm, hey,” she said sleepily, stretching a bit and her eyes closed a bit and blinked open. “Why?” was all Jordy asked and Kaci made a noise, turning her face into the blanket, “Mallory and Patrick were concerned, said you were sick. Wanted to make sure you weren’t and fell asleep waiting.” Jordy’s eyes prickled, “I don’t -“ Kaci groaned sleepily, “Because we love you, you dumb ass.” Jordy looked at the now empty glass and set it down, moving to her friend and tugging her, earning a bunch of noises in protest. “That chair is uncomfortable,” Jordy scoffed, “there’s plenty of room in my bed.”
Kaci moaned, then stood up, stretching and crawled into Jordy’s bed, facing her best friend. “So… are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Jordy bit her lip, then began to tell her, crying as she did - at one point, she was sobbing so hard she thought she was going to have a panic attack. Kaci soothed her friend, rubbing her back, making cooing noises and whispering softly that she was okay and when it was all done, Kaci was cry too. “I’m so sorry, Jordy. I’m so fucking sorry that this happened to you, that I -“ Kaci wiped her eyes. “I don’t know what I’m going to do… I don’t know what I should do!” Kaci fidgeted with the blanket, “I can’t tell you, J. That’s all up to you. But I do know one thing: it’s going to eat you up inside if you don’t let it go.” Kaci took Jordy’s face between her hands: “You have to somehow let all of this go.” Jordy looked at her, fresh tears forming and she turned away, “Let’s get some sleep. We’ll talk about this in the morning.” Kaci nodded, both girls snuggling down into the bed. Kaci touched Jordy’s hand and held it, “Good night, Jordy.” And the petite brunette smiled despite herself as she shut her eyes.
✧.:°░｡
It was snowing when she woke up, but what woke her up was a text from Patrick about it being a blizzard and that meant no work that evening. Happy, she lay in bed beside Kaci and got up to make coffee. The apartment had a lingering chill, but it wasn’t anything long sleeves and socks didn’t solve.
As she padded around the kitchen, she began to think of other things: mainly her future. First, she thought of her dad as she filled the pot up from the bubbler beside the fridge. What if she let him in again and he burned her? What would she do if that happened to her twice from her own father? Then, she thought of work when those questions gave her no answers. The new year was coming up - hell, Christmas was nearly at her doorstep, and what would she do if she didn’t get casted somewhere. She swallowed, stirring creamer into her coffee as she sipped it. After all her efforts, could she really just give up? What other options did she even have if acting fell through. Sitting at the counter, Jordy flipped aimlessly through a magazine and then tossed it aside and moved to sit by the window, watching the snow flurry down.
She’d always hated winter before moving to the city. She hated the cold, though loved the fashion. But something about winter gave the city a beauty she couldn’t describe. Snow seemed to glisten and the season felt so real. Christmas had never been a big deal for her before the city, and then she saw the Rockefeller Center be lit, she saw the wreaths and the snow and the horse drawn carriages, had gone iceskating - life had been so easy then, and it was funny how she never felt alone when she was younger. She always had friends surrounding her and always had fun and a life that let her forget how cold home was. Now, she didn’t have that. Her friends had all moved on, and now she had nothing to distract herself with.
“Maybe I should just marry rich,” she said quietly to herself as she took another sip of coffee. “Do my ears deceive me, or is Jordy Rossi talking about marriage? By god, I never thought I’d see the day,” Kaci said as she sat down beside Jordy, a coffee mug in hand and a blanket in the next. “It’s fucking freezing over here,” she continued, setting down her mug as she covered them both over and held the hot mug for dear life. Jordy laughed, turning from the window. “Thanks. For last night, I mean.” Kaci shrugged, “It was nothing. You’re okay though, right?” Jordy thought for a second before she nodded, “As alright as I can be.”
Kaci blew on her coffee and then began to drank it, licking her lips once she was done. “Is it bad that I’m curious about what you’re going to do now?” Jordy shook her head, “I’m not sure, if I’m being honest. Kaci, I honestly have nothing.” Kaci made a noise of protest, “If this is about what Dean said -“ “None of this is about him!” Jordy shouted. When the shock of her yell settled, she continued. “It’s true, Kaci. I’m not going anywhere. I’ve tried so fucking hard. I’ve done everything I could possibly do, and I still have nothing! No one is going to cast me, and I can wait and hope and pray, but I’m not getting anywhere! I can’t work at the diner for the rest of my life, I can’t do silly jobs forever! I came here to be an actress and I failed, but I don’t know what I’m going to do.”
Kaci let out a low whistle, then shook her head, taking Jordy’s half empty mug and getting up. “The way I see it, if you give up now then you’ll never know. Sure, this place isn’t ideal, but it’s ours. It’s not like we’re pinching pennies, we just had to cut back on luxury, and what the fuck difference does that make?” Jordy crossed her arms, “You don’t get it. Those casting directors see right through me. How many pretty girls weave in and out of the offices - we all work hard, it’s not like I’m special.” Kaci set down the pot, “And there you have your answer,” she said simply. “Whatchu talkin’ bout, Willis?” Jordy said. “Your answer: you don’t think your special, so why should anyone else?” Jordy looked down and then back out the window, feeling her pride sting. “And so what if that’s true?” Kaci handed Jordy her mug back, “Well, my friend, it means you will be stuck at that diner for a very, very long time.”
She bit her lip, her hands shaking and Kaci wrapped her arm around Jordy’s shoulders. “C’mon, let’s go out for the day. This place is depressing enough without any moping about going on in it.” Jordy grinned, “Yes, a little retail therapy is just what I suspect that the doctor ordered.”