A pill that was once hard to swallow for others is coming back to me now
26.
What a year that was... Feelings were mixed, to put it to words: there are many things that's really happening to me at the moment yet I still feel empty. I was ugly crying reading my best friend's birthday greeting and that hits hard. This was the birthday that really poured emotions I have been keeping since November.
It's not about me anymore, it's about people within my circle and slowly fading away. We arrived in San Juan, La Union on 29th I asked my best friend, Koko about med school he will pursue in the next few years. Imagine, you work best friend leaving? That broke a part of me. We stayed silent when he said he's not seeing himself working as a medical technologist in the next few years. I am trying to see the bright side, nothing is permanent though. He is continuing what paused for a while so why would I stopped someone reaching his dreams and the life he planned for himself? I did not bother asking. Next day, over sunset on my birthday I had a little moment of silence and tried seeing the bigger picture because nothing in this world is constant. I stared at the waves with pain and hope, with questions that I'm too far to know the answer. I questioned the life I have, because I dreamed of having a simple one - enjoy my youth at most and deserve the things I truly deserve. But it's weird, life threw the craziest and challenging ones that are too hard for me to solve. The kind of tired that no amount of vacation and massage therapy will ever solve. At the end of the day, that flicker of hope I only had is gone leaving me at the rock bottom and crying until 31st of March. Believe me, I just cried my heart out on that day, even us cannot pin-point where it actually hurts. He just accompanied me, the greatest gift I ever received. We were silent until we head back to Manila, it irrates him that he got burnt by the sun and a total-fail henna tattoo. He even raised his voice and I hate it, I hate it when people do that.
Going back, that time he said he's planning to study again. He told me the same exactly words I said about 3 years ago. "Huwag niyo akong antayin." Go by your decisions and do not wait for me because I don't even know what to do. I think those were the times when he was transferring to ManilaMed and I don't have the guts yet to leave Manila Doctors. That sudden feeling when your soul leaves you for a sec and your stomach really felt very empty. A pill that is even bigger is hard to take it all in. It's straight up happening to me right now, I got so scared because I will be left behind with an excess baggage. They're leaving with high hopes and better future. I am stuck with my father that's deteriorating, unable to take the exam, no money, no comfortable bed to sleep to and no time for myself anymore. I hated every minute and part of it. I hated home.
If this is all His plans, I don't know anymore. In this case, He's teaching me patience then it reached the ceiling. I actually wished for my birthday to take the pain away and let him rest. I want my old life back.
Coming into realizations, it was not my decision not to say to Koko that I plan on taking the exam. He was surprised when he knew it, I guess that was also the time of an epiphany for him. I really need to fix my papers and let this be an inspiration. I hate it to think of it that way, but I needed to get out of here first. My plans of staying in the Philippines travelling here as an individual should be set aside first and come what may for future me.
Additional realizations as I turn 26 I almost had a tattoo done, well due to being in a beautiful destination I contacted my long-time followed artist and really wanted a heart tattoo on my finger. I had to step backward for now because it's not ideal for my skin yet. While in San Juan, I also unblocked and checked on people. It's been a year since and I plan not destroying the peace I protected and saved up for the recent months. I also noticed someone got engaged in September and that's where I stopped. I will never be someone who will hurt and ruin a relationship. I will never hurt a woman by continuosly sticking to it. I may always be alone and people think desperately wanting to have a relationship, sometimes I think of it that way too but I knew in my heart that I am not ready for it. I needed a time for me to heal, to discover myself and to be alone and find my core. Here's to the single life though, I love it so much I can stay like this forever. But if there's a chance, I hope to find someone who's going to love me the way I wanted to be loved, respect the space I created for myself and just be there for me. When that time comes, I owe it to God and the universe for giving me a bonus.
I cannot believe that turning 26 would be this be very emotional and staring off with fears and tears are just unrealistic for someone. I treasured birthdays so much... It means so much to me unlike other people who don't usually mind it. It hits different when you realize you age because youth is slowly fading away, your problems got more complicated and it gives you a day to re-evaluate life. Listening and staring blankly to the waves helped a little. Eating good food half-filled the emptiness that I am feeling. Being with your best friend gave you a rest no one can replace. Staying at a different place, gave a new perspective of seeing things. Being in La Union gives an illusion of living the alter reality.
San Juan, La Union is my second home even though I visited it for the second time yet I always see myself coming back. A portion of me that I left there whispers that I needed to go back where my heart is. For now, it's my happy place. Thank you for accepting me, Elyu. One day, I'll live there. One day, I will have all the time to spend my life in the seaside and live my best life. Thanks, Elyu. For now, I will be a corporate slave in Manila, earn some money to go back to you.
