I’ve Wanted To - July 25, 2019
I’ve wanted to write you a letter since the moment you texted me on July 15th. I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel. I’ve wanted to see you. I’ve wanted to hold you. But I haven’t. At first, I thought i knew exactly what I’d wanted to say to you. I thought this would be easy, but it’s not. I’ve wanted to write you a letter since the moment you texted me on July 15th, but I haven’t had the time - until now. Now, I don’t know what to say. I'd hoped I’d hear from you again and when I did I couldn’t believe it. I’d been so numb to everything, to everyone, recently. I saw your name - well, “Alyssa Molinari’s” name - pop up on my phone and immediately my heart started to race. I felt my heart beat throughout every inch of my body. Unlike anything I’d ever felt before, truly. I couldn’t, and still can’t, believe that even just your name, had/has that effect on me. I love you and at the same time, I don’t even know you anymore. We haven’t seen each other in over a year. We haven’t had a real conversation in over a year. And finally, I thought you wanted to talk to me. You told me you wanted to talk. But then, as quickly as my heart raced - it sunk. I thought you came to me because you were hurting. Because you were sad. Because you needed someone to talk to. You asked me to add you back on Snapchat. Our conversation was nice. What happened? The next day you snapped me once in the morning, I responded. You opened that snap and from that moment on I hadn’t heard from you for the rest of the day. I wanted to give you space - I did. But I thought I deserved some kind of an explanation. I was so ready to be there for you - as a friend, as someone who would just listen, as whatever you needed me to be. But you changed your mind. Why? Did you initially text me because you were lonely? Because you wanted to ensure that you’d have an option if you were alone for too long? Because you knew that I’d be there, because I love you? I have so many unanswered questions. I know, you really don’t owe me anything and it’s shitty and selfish for me to even think that you do. But it’s how I feel. And you reaching out to me and then changing your mind was selfish of you, so I’m not sorry for being selfish either. I want to believe that the you I once knew is still inside you. That inside that outer shell you like to portray is the person I cared for and admire so deeply. But I don’t know that anymore, and it doesn’t seem like I’ll ever have the chance to. So, what if you decide you’d like to talk? That’s what everyone keeps asking me. I don’t know. I don’t even like to think about you coming back around as a possibility, because I am so tired of getting my hopes up. But, hypothetically, if you did, I’d like to think that I’d have some kind of respect for myself and tell you that you’ve done enough damage, etc. But, at the same time, I like to think I know what you’re going through and that I know you to your core and that you’re going through a tough time and that you’d never do anything to deliberately play with my feelings. But I don’t know anymore. And I don’t know that I ever will.
