Aug 8, 2023
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Kendin alınca anlamı oluyor muydu? :)
zayn:
Demiş birisi, güzel söylemiş..
08.08.2023
Today, Romano woke up and stretched. This popped good back real good
Amor fati; kaderini sev, çünkü hayatın budur.
yanımdan hep kötü adamlar geçer benim.
Rough night's sleep last night, only managed to start deeply snoozing from about 6am onwards and of course I had to start fending off alarms. I still have a middle back twinge, that seemed to be set off badly before dinner when I was trying to have some intimacy. It feels like 50/50 chance it's the ulcer acting up again versus I've twinged something lifting on Monday. I pushed myself with crunches and chest presses and I guess the crunches in particular could have put more strain than intended on back - my ab muscles didn't feel particularly sore the next day so maybe my form was completely off. I think I'll be more conservative tomorrow, hoping to get some leg stuff established before my afternoon shift. I'm trying not to freak out about latest family drama. Really, I have not been asked by my mother to help her I have instead assumed that role when she's been very sick as it seemed the morally right thing to do. But my mother has been lying to me and/or deliberately not information sharing because she's uncomfortable with the set up of me helping her. Which makes the helping not very effective. I am forced to conclude its better for me to leave my mother to do things for herself and to come to me if/when she thinks she needs help. Given she has capacity I am not in a position to overrule her direct instructions and she is very clearly not willing to give me consent to take steps that I think need to be taken. It isn't right for me to foist myself on someone who maybe doesn't particularly want my help anymore, that's not fair on her. It also isn't fair on me to keep pushing myself to help someone who seemingly doesn't want it or is at least doing their level best to hamstring me. I don't have the time and energy to try to fight her on whether or not she needs help, I don't really think it’s my place to comment on that anyway. Who am I to say when someone with capacity is beyond making their own financial decisions? I just wish I didn't feel so much pressure, from myself and also anticipated moral judgments from extended family members who I suspect already want more from me. But I can't be sure of course exactly what they do think because I'm only going off my own perceptions which are probably coloured by a lot of my own issues... my father did used to say it was notable how I always assumed responsibility for things and felt I was to blame for things that went wrong. I think that's classic parentified child hangover stuff. I do wish I didn’t feel a strong moral obligation to step in. I feel like it would be so amazing for my mental health to feel free of that burden. It's like I'm trying to shrug it off and failing and having to act like it isn't there. Maybe if I successfully resist the urge to get involved and help it will naturally ebb. I am hoping I can practice the behaviour I want to see more of and it will be the common behaviour moving forward.
8.8.
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