#1-11-16

[drowning-in-lust-and-love]

I still listen to all the songs we used to show each other..

[365-thoughts-daily-blog]

People ask me why I don't like being alone when it's dark... Well, would you if you had a mind as dark as mine?

11 of 366

[neshisnotebook]

Letter to Suuka

[Transcript of a letter to Suuka attached to the gift of a few chunks of wood and a wrapped carving knife.]

Dearest Suuka,

Since, in your sweetness, you are known to worry what you can and can not accomplish, I thought I would provide you a chance to try your hand at something when no one is looking. I believe with my full heart that these wood supplies would be happy and fulfilled if you chose to sit down, whittle quite randomly, and see what you learn.

Remember, making mistakes is the spirit of discovery.

Forever believing in you,

Neshiba Idrisson

[neshisnotebook]

1-11

Yesterday I cried for twenty minutes about something or other until I asked my dad for help with it, then cooked up a scheme to slip a letter to a girl I like but know nothing about. Today I'm thinking about maturity.

After the whole bit with the awakening of my spirit, I've fallen in to the habit of acting like I have a lot of it. I've taken some pleasure in supposing myself the gentle, levelheaded and trustworthy diplomat among my social group. This role comforts me. On the other hand, they should fire the fool who put me in it. I have no idea what I'm doing.

But I figured out a while ago that you don't need to know what you're doing in order to do the sort of thing you'd like to do. So, having set my head to the idea that I can bring people together, I've been working on that. My affiliation with the Travelers, then, is timely. Pretending that I am a monk has given especial purpose to an attitude of always assuming, and looking for, the best in people, never judging, and holding on to the determination that differences can be resolved. Keeping this in mind has been eye opening for how often I think I know better than people or think I know what people's intentions are. It's also a stern reminder that I worry too much.

Tikka reminds us that inaction can be equally valuable to action. To hear someone say it, I'd take it as a natural, granted statement. What's been interesting is seeing myself bloody mess it up on so much more than isolated occasions. With Aryk, I pictured that stern-sounding words were more abusive than I needed to picture them as, and got mad. There was the thing with poor Suuka's investigation where I acted more out of a sense of urgency to act than there being any good actions available, and that disquieted him. And then with the sweet norn girl whose name I don't know I find myself wondering if the chaos of the former evening was a result of a fear that if I did not stir things up quickly enough, she would eventually just disappear. When I told Suuka about the circumstances of my love life so far, he teased me for moving fast, for jumping in to relationships that I didn't understand. I hoped that that wasn't like me. I usually hope to exemplify patience and trust. I'm beginning to reflect that he may have had a point.

As a matter of fact, I enjoyed exchanging furtive, mischievous smiles behind her scary brother's back. Did I fear that if I didn't press things, I would lose her attention? On one hand, I couldn't have known such small actions on my part would lead to such frightening violence. On the other hand, I didn't need to put him so on edge in the first place by trending so bloody obvious with my flirting. Some sly and secretive creature I am. On the other hand still, it made her blush and it made her laugh. Or else, she chose to for me. How do I know how badly I messed up? I suppose only since I haven't spoken to her since. Aren't I just anxious, then, wondering what she -might- think?

Still, myself a mature, upstanding adult who handles things rationally, I've decided to write her a letter expressing my feelings and then hide it in her baggage without at least her brother noticing me. To myself, later, when I regret this: What on earth were you thinking?

To me, now, who doubts himself: I would like to see if there is any love left in being a fox.

[thedailypunctilio]

...

*Has to constantly remind self that she couldn’t warrant a decent relationship if she tried.*

 *Tries to forget everything but bud and liquor.*

[victroiaa]

This year I am totally going to focus on myself

I know that this is so cliché but I definitely am going to work harder this year. Last year was my foot in the door for a brighter future and this year I am going to do more. Let’s start off with: 1) quit my 2 jobs and start my new full-time job 2) go back to school 3) start a gym 4) move out 5) manage my money better

[luckyleolion]

I haven't been eating right and I haven't been exercising in the least.

[luckyleolion]

I'm getting better I think. David bowie died last night. I had two goals for the break and haven't done either. Sigh. I've gained weight. I have s bunch of stretch marks on my tummy. I'm worried for ringo and Paul.... they are around the same age as bowie.....