#1-11-18

[ysociety]

recent camera roll

[paperscritches]

Two minute practice sketch because I gotta draw hands

[its123am]

1-11-18 (Thursday)

[wellmeaningstorms]

You taste like brown sugar in my coffee,

I want to be the honey in your tea but you've got an aversion to the taste.

I tried ripping you a new mouth but my hands bled, RIGHTFULLY.

[sociallydisfigured]

It feels silly to be jealous of you but I am

[artiya-il-muriel-chamuel-blog]

I change my name like i change my hair.

Moonchild didn’t do it.

Celestial moonchild didn’t do it.

Tacos before vatos. Blank state of mind. So many that i can’t even remember half of them.

But this rings true .

Tell me that you love me.

It’s my favorite thing to hear.

I get moments of thinking that I’m so seperated from everyone and Everything. I force my emotions to drown me because if they don’t then i feel nothing at all. My eyes go blank and i feel, or in this case don’t feel, a thing. I inflict pain to try and feel and when that doesn’t work as much i conjure these situations to feel like I’m drowning. Either too much or not enough. Crazy. Wild. Insane. I wrote things like this and it makes sense why I’m seeing a therapist . Some days i want to be all glow and shine and these are my healthy thoughts but that’s only some days . Everyone has dark thoughts negative thoughts. Thoughts that they would rather turn away instead of confront head on but it makes sense. They’re intoxicating to have. Anger. Jealousy. Rage beyond control. Sadness which looks so beautiful and taunts you to end it all. A devils dance. The idea to be bad. The idea of not allowing anyone in. To steal. To lie. But then the light is refreshing. A breath you didn’t know you were holding. To love. To speak the truth. To win honorably. To be be loved. And not hated.

The eternal struggle of not caring and caring too much.

I don’t fake my feelings. I don’t mean to heighten them even. I’m just thankful to feel because i know what it’s like to feel nothing. But then the days go dark . The days i remember of being touched by those without permission. How dare they. I remember those who were there for me after my rape and those who left me.

I wish it never happened. The memories haunt me randomly and stop me from continuing my day. But other days i banish them and feel strong and then i remember those 8 words and I’m filled with rage. True colors shown.

I don’t know what I’m writing about anymore.

People have priorities. Mine is to find. Have and keep true love. What is life without love? Nothing. But a series of events. I want to share my events. I want to love fully to pour myself and have a life poured into me to grow and fall together and to make lives together.

I want love.

Dime que me amas.

[wizwitorwithout]

Sleepy

Do you ever have a really good night and then sleep like a LOG but then you are exhausted the next day? I am sleepy but had such an awesome night. Sometimes I sign up for these seminars after work where I have to schlep into the city and I don’t want to. Sometimes they end up being good and sometimes not. Last night was one for the books. It was at this adorable italian restaurant and the food was amazing. Little plate of cheese and bruschetta. Then we got a free drink (I tried the Bellini) and they gave us a choice of gelato for which I only ate a teeny bit. But the program was amazing. So interesting and I even asked a question. Someone called me an intern hahaa. But it was really great. After the program I stopped by this Mac and cheese store that I have been DYING TO TRY. I knew I wasn’t going to eat the whole thing but I had to have a couple bites. It’s worth the hype and ugh I’m so happy.

I came home hyper and wasn’t tired but allowed myself to wind down and then I slept really well. I wish it was Friday but that’s fine! Gonna have some coffee and get through the day! Is it weird I can’t wait to have the rest of the Mac and cheese for dinner? 😍

[artiya-il-muriel-chamuel-blog]

3:40 am

Waking up around this time has become a habit now.

I sleep by 10, maybe 11, and wake up around 3 or 4 because you infiltrated my dreams again.

It varies the way. Some nights it’s about the past and how hungry we used to be for each other.

Other nights it’s the pain in my chest that wakes me up because in my dreams i was continuously sobbing at her gentle giggle under the willow tree. Or the way you looked me in the eye and told me you couldn’t look at me anymore and walking away.

Other nights it’s the possibility of what has yet to come and what i know could never be. The curiosity of years unknown gone by. The hesitant touch, the awkward first kiss.

Regardless it’s always you. I know it’s because the official end draws near. A future in which you will no longer be there. My body screams “This is it ?!. No way. I refuse to let go.” But it’s been years and letting go is the only thing possible.

I know i won’t be able to fully let go until i leave, for good. Because when life starts there no longer will be accidental run ins on campus that make my heart stop or skip a beat. There won’t be places that fill my head with memories.

You stopped thinking of me so long ago. But i was never able to do the same. There are nights that are better. That it’s not you i dream of but a future without thoughts of you. The hope remains and tonight i dreamt of you sitting on my rug asking me how did we get here. And then i remember her. Your new love. And you slowly fade like a ghost going home. I scream and beg for you to stay but you no longer hear me or see me and just like that, you’re gone. And i wake up, check the time.

It’s 3:40 A.M.