Hail And Other Well Meaning Storms

[wellmeaningstorms]

My glock is loaded.

4 bullets. I need all four of yours to weigh down the trigger

Before i pull it.

[wellmeaningstorms]

Whistle to a tune I can understand.

A little flat, a major grand standing ovation echoes through the theatre.

A minor performance, in hindsight, of a greater plot.

[wellmeaningstorms]

You taste like brown sugar in my coffee,

I want to be the honey in your tea but you've got an aversion to the taste.

I tried ripping you a new mouth but my hands bled, RIGHTFULLY.

[wellmeaningstorms]

I'm here for damage control,

No, I'm here for support.

I'm watching my own evolution to becoming a better lover.

[wellmeaningstorms]

I'm here for damage control,

No, I'm here for support.

I'm watching my own evolution to becoming a better lover.

[definegold]

I have a thing for girls afraid of their soul.

Girls who crave intimacy and look to mine for a home.

This my baseline intimacy is my lifeline I exist on the surface but I thrive deep in the moon and if you let me I’ll learn where all your planets lie and how they function in your life and where and how i can fit in and help.

That’s the problem.

People expect help in the form of fixing and enabling and never support.

I have a thing for girls so afraid of their soul they’re afraid of mine, too.

It hurts, sometimes.

[wellmeaningstorms]

You beat me down for two years. Abuse me. Refuse my support. Half ass support me. Enable my worst habits at best. I'm empty now. And you want support? I'm empty now. I have nothing to give. I'm empty now. You drained me. I'm empty now. I'm empty now.

[onlyred]

[definegold]

There will forever remain aching and silent space between the concept of opposition and turning on its heels toward violence.

I will forever be that silence.

The quiet friction that burns holes in fictitious realities and burns bridges so waters can flow freely,

The force to prevent one from being sucked into black holes of delusion; I know my enemy.

It is neither your body nor the core of your spirit.

It is and has always been the damages, the wounds left from traumas not spoken, not acted into healing.

The way my voice sometimes brings flashbacks of the brands that scolded you.

The way intimacy brings back memories that you wish were lucid dreams you could walk right out of.

The fact that intimacy was so easy for me was never something i meant to be feared.

Nor revered.

It just was.

I never meant for my body to become a modern museum of recreations of war time propaganda and real-time footage of your old battle fields.

You never looked inside to see that i wasn’t.

You always looked at me through sulfur tinted glasses and spoke with cyanide in your teeth; I could smell it.

I could never bring myself to drink the cyanide from your mouth to save you like you wanted me to and i still feel guilty for that.

I tried to clean your lens despite what the choking did to my lungs but you kept running back to that damn battlefield because it was a familiar comfort and i understand but i can’t keep coming to your rescue.

My lungs are giving up.

I only gave the lung capacity for open and honest conversation for the purpose of clear communication of purpose and intent to gain understanding, find compromise, and move forward.

That makes me selfish, i know.

It doesn’t mean i don’t love you, though.

We don’t grow until there are consequences for are actions; I love you enough to hold you accountable.

But i can’t force you to see.

I can only make things so visible for you.

[wellmeaningstorms]

I asked about your hat in complete innocent curiousity. I'd be lying if i said i believed your response. But i won't hold onto any of this. I'm not upset about where you're going. I'm sad because i wanted to spend more time with you. Hurt that you had to go. I miss you. I miss your smile, your energy. You really are my best friend, above it all. I miss having my best friend around. I just need to let this out. I'm fine. We'll set up some time to talk again, later.

[wellmeaningstorms]

Weekly Admissions Call

I've never been 100% about sharing you.

Sure, indeed, its a comfort to know that you still care for me in the end, too.

And indeed, i don't have the biggest issue with it.

It just always hurts a little bit, at first.

Never quite a dagger, quick like a mosquito bite i saw happening.

I can brush it off, ignore the itch afterward; do a ton of shit to take my mind off of it.

But at the end of the day i feel so much better when you're all mine. I have to admit i feel better when I'm the only person you enjoy having sex with. And i know that's selfish. I know that isn't even realistic.

But im a little bit selfish about love.

I kinda want you all to myself.

I have to admit.

I know there's other lovers out there.

Just as good as me, better than me. Other spirits that can give you what you need. That can give you what i can't.

I know i shouldnt take it as a sign of... that im not good enough. Because i cant think of words right now. But they're giving you things i dont have the means to right now and that's very different.

Thats what hurts.

I messed up taking care of myself so bad that i cant take care of you.

Either of you.

I needed to talk this through.

It isn't that there's someone else.

Its that i cant. At all. Do anything. Jobless. From here. 187miles away.

[migrains-deactivated20190924]

[wellmeaningstorms]

Theres something there and im not quite afraid of it, i just cant quite touch it. I feel it rising to the surface and im afraid to let it boil over. Im afraid to burn anybody around me. Im afraid to watch my own skin sear off. This feels like lightning. I need to let it strike through me but i dont know how to open a pathway.

[wellmeaningstorms]

I've changed. But also, I havent. I've grown. I'm learning still. I'm always learning.

[wellmeaningstorms]

I wanna sit by the water with you passing blunts. I wanna talk and cry and it's been said time and time again that I care too much and I don't know how to stop. It's been said that I'm too pushy, I don't know how to care without being too much. I'm punching holes in my chest for you to breathe through, I never meant to suffocate you. I just care. I'm learning balance. I want to learn your heart but I want your permission. Not even, I want you to want to let me see the darkest depths of those chambers. Until then I'll be sitting in the light of your smile under the pressure of your gritting teeth. I can take it. Don't worry. I'm just blessed to experience you. I'll take it as it comes. Come as you are, yeah. Don't alter anything for me.

[wellmeaningstorms]

There's a lot of love in me and it's so black cause it's coming from that deep in my core. She can't understand me. But you probably could. And you. And you. Y'all all get love songs. Cause I got damn love ya. I love all y'all. Wait til I get my shit together nigga. You gon feel it the best way I know to show it, through music and physical affection and quality time.

[definegold]

He looked me in the eyes and said “you sure you wanna go down that road son? It’s an old minefield. Old Training grounds for foot soldiers.”

I told him I wasn’t afraid. I’d stepped on plenty of mines that weren’t mine and lived to tell the tale. How do you expect to threaten someone who’s already seen hell? I visit every couple weeks to exfoliate. Me and Lucy are on a first name basis.