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Zen // 100 - 0 // Angst? // All Ages // 2899

“We are going to have so much fun tomorrow, Babe! I can’t wait to enjoy the carnival with you.”

“I’m excited! I’ve never been to one. Are we going to ride the ferris wheel? I always see them in the movies and I want to go up to the very top.” “Of course! Oh, what is that? My babe wants me to act out a romantic scene while we are up in the sky? Anything for you.” “It’s not that! I just think it would be fun!” “You’re so cute, I love you.” “I love you too, Zen. Goodnight.” “Goodnight…”

Zen grumbled as he slowly started to wake up from a sleep that seemed far more heavy than usual. “Damn, was I really that tired? I slept like a rock.” He stretched his arms up - every muscle from his shoulders to his fingers pulling endlessly out of the deep slumber that still fogged his mind. The skip in his heartbeat and immediate frown that fell upon his face was brought on once his limbs fell to the empty space beside him.

As much as he wouldn’t admit to it so readily, he hated when she woke up before he did. His mind always fell to the worst case scenario but by now, he knew he probably slept in far too late. “Babe...are you in the bathroom?” He called out loudly, groaning as he forced his body out of the warm comforts of the covers. Still in a haze, he haphazardly dressed himself to go for a jog - his normal routine for the mornings when he was in between roles. Dragging towards the bathroom, he yawned as he leaned against the wall, knocking softly as he yawned, “Honey? Are you in there?” There was no reply so after opening the door and seeing the room unoccupied, he went about his business. He didn’t think much as he washed his face, the thoughts of their plans for the day swimming through his mind. It had been quite some time since he could properly take the love of his life out for some personal time but with the end of his latest show, he wanted to shower her with as much attention as humanly possible. This was their day and he intended to make it the best date she’d ever go on. Now a bit more alert, he wandered towards the living room expecting her to be walking about, “Are you going to get ready while I go for a jog? I won’t take long! Then we can head out!” He slowed his steps when he was met with silence, throwing a small towel around his neck, “Babe? Where are you?” His eyes scanned the space, a sense of dread settling within his chest. Her purse wasn’t there and neither were her shoes. In fact, nothing of hers was in the normal places that he was used to. The books she would read while he practiced his lines were replaced with magazines on his bookshelf. Her laptop that she kept in a vibrant purple bag was no longer stored under the coffee table. The picture they took together on their six month anniversary… Panic began to set in when he started noticing how empty of her presence his apartment had become. He looked in the kitchen and he even climbed up to the roof to see if she was there but he found himself completely alone. His hands started shaking as he sat on the roof, scrolling through his contacts on the phone to find her number. Erased. Non-existent. Even after manually dialing the number he knew by heart he was only met with an automated message dictating the line being disconnected. Was she hurt? Did someone kidnap her? Was this happening all over again? Without thinking, he quickly called Seven knowing he may not even answer but once he did, he spilled out everything that was going on, his speech a frantic mess. “Hey Zen, calm down. Who are you talking about?” Seven interrupted, “You sound crazy, are you still asleep?” “My girlfriend, Seven! That’s who I’m talking about! Have you not been listening?” Zen cried, “Please tell me she talked to you.” The silence that followed made Zen check the screen to make sure the call was still active and when he saw Seven’s icon still lingering, he held the phone back to his ear, “Hello? Do you hear me?” “Yeah, I hear you. Zen, what are you talking about? You don’t have a girlfriend, last time I checked.” Zen’s eyes widened as anger towards his friend began to gather into him, “This isn’t a joke, Seven! I can’t find her. Can’t you be serious for once?!” He hung up in frustration, cursing the redhead whom he felt played far too many pranks. “I’ll just log into the messenger…” He muttered to himself. Although he was hopeful since Jaehee, Jumin, and Yoosung were chatting about, he was found with the same reaction as Seven. [Jaehee] Zen, have slept? You are worrying me… [Jaehee] Your show just ended, you should be getting plenty of rest. [Jumin] How amusing, though. Is he making up relationships for himself? [Jumin] Have you fallen so deep in your loneliness [Jumin] That you have to play make-believe? [Zen] Is this some kind of prank that you are all in on? [Zen] If it is, it’s not very funny. [Jumin] I don’t play pranks [Jumin] But out of the kindness of my heart [Jumin] I’ll set you up on a date [Jumin] Assistant Kang, call up that woman [Jumin] The one that came by the other day and wanted to have dinner with me. [Jaehee] Mr. Han… [Yoosung] Hey Zen, what does your girlfriend look like? [Yoosung] You’ve been hiding this from us? [Zen] You all know what she looks like! [Zen] YES, HA HA. I’M SO GULLIBLE. [Zen] THIS IS SO FUNNY. [Zen] Just tell me what’s going on. I’m suppose to go on a date with her today. [Jumin] Zen, are you serious? [Jumin] I feel like I should now be concerned. [Jumin] You are in no relationship that we are aware of. [Zen] You really are a jerk! His anger only festered as he was convinced that this was some big prank that everyone was in on, and once he logged out of the chatroom in a fury he climbed back downstairs to pace around the living room. “Babe, come on! I know you have a great sense of humor but this is a bit much!” He spoke to himself. He jumped when his phone rang, picking it up desperately answering without checking the caller, “Honey? Where are you?” “I’d prefer you not call me that, Zen. It’s rather uncomfortable for both of us at this point.” Zen scowled as the voice rang through his head, “What do you want, Jumin? I’m not in the mood for this stupid-” “Stop. I am not calling you to mock you. What is going on? You sounded like a mad man in the chatroom. Are you ill? I’m normally not one to worry but if you are starting to be delusional, It’s a serious matter.” “I’m not delusional and I’m not making this up! I went to sleep last night with her in my arms, and we were suppose to go to the carnival today! What is this, I feel like i’m going crazy! Jumin, please drop the joke. Where is she? Is she waiting for me at the park?” Jumin heaved a heavy sigh of concern, “Zen, I have never heard of you having a partner. I promise, on my career and my company...you are a single man as far as I know.” Although Jumin continued to speak, Zen heard nothing as a buzzing rang through his ears. He couldn’t fathom that she didn’t exist. He so vividly remembered them talking until they both fell asleep, his hands brushing through her hair as she laid in his arms. He remembered the smell of her shampoo, and how soft her skin always felt along his finger tips. She still felt so real to him, there was no way it was all a long dream. “Zen? Zen? Are you still there?” Jumin spoke a bit firmly, “I will set you up with a doctor immediately. I am now concerned for your safety. I’ll send Assistant Kang to check on you-” “I just want to be alone.” Zen replied softly, hanging up the phone and shutting it off.

Despite the attempts of the members to try to see him, Zen never opened the door. The days passed and he fell into a pit of despair as he ghosted around the apartment, checking every corner for anything that indicated her existence. The only thing he had to offer any sort of comforts were his vivid memory of her: The side of the couch she favored when she would lay down with her legs across his lap, the space in the cupboards where she kept the mug for coffee, the empty place where she kept a blanket ready for when they would climb up on the roof. Eventually he began to mentally break down. He barely slept and once the groceries in his dwindled, he stopped eating all together. That apartment was his personal hell and he never dared leave, hoping the nightmare would end and she would walk through the door. When he eventually turned his phone back on, he only waited for the familiar number to show up on the screen while ignoring any other call or message.

A few weeks later, as Zen laid on the couch, he was interrupted by loud knocking on the door. He normally ignored this, but the whining voice that came from Yoosung bothered him more than normal, “Zen! Open up! It’s Yoosung! Come on, talk to me! Everyone is worried!” Zen covered his face with a blanket, hoping the boy would go away easily. He growled when the constant banging didn’t stop. He stood up and went to swing open the door, staring down at the culprit, “Go away. I’m tired, I want to sleep.” “Whoa, Zen. You look like hell. Are you sick?” Yoosung said softly, staring at Zen who looked like he was on his deathbed, “Can I talk to you?” “I don’t want to talk. I want to be left alone. Please leave.” “Wait! At least...take your mail. The mailbox was overflowing...how long have you gone without checking things?” Yoosung held out a massive handful of letters and packages, “Zen, we are here for you if there are things going on. We’re your friends, we care.”

Zen looked at the mess, taking it all from him, “Thanks. Bye.” He slammed the door closed with his foot, walking back to the couch to drop all of his correspondence onto the coffee table. He raised a brow at an odd package wrapped elaborately in ribbons, taking it in his hands to unwrap it carefully. A ring fell into his lap along with a letter. He choked out a gasp as he recognized the ring. Tears formed in his eyes instantaneously, remembering the moment he gave it to her; He had saved up as much as he could to buy it for her on their anniversary and he presented it to her on a cool summer night. The moon was full, and she had never looked more beautiful to him. She never took that ring off, and for him to see it now… Opening up the letter, he read through it quickly: “My darling, my everything. If you are reading this, then things went well. I don’t have to tell you what led to this because once you finish this letter, you’ll remember. Keep living, keep walking. That’s all I ever wanted. We cannot exist together in any dimension, and I’d rather you be alive. I love you.” He shook his head, confused for a moment before a sharp pain hit his head. He dropped everything and grabbed the sides, taking deep breaths as it felt like he was being torn in two. But he remembered. He remembered them going on their date to the carnival. He remembered playing the games at the booths long enough to win her a stuffed animal. He remembered how her eyes lit up when she saw the ferris wheel. He remembered hearing the noise as parts of the metal snapped beneath them when they reached the very top. He remembered pushing her to the safe side of the pod so she wouldn’t go crashing down to the ground with him. He remembered that he died. It was like a dream. He was floating in a stream of particles, his sight in a haze as he tried to figure out where he was. His head turned wildly as he heard voices echo throughout the space. “I want him to live! Please, I’ll do whatever you want! I love Zen! I don’t want to see him like this!” “Whatever dimension it is, if he gets too close to you he will die.” “Then I don’t care! I’ll stay away from him, just let him live!” “As you wish…” And just like that, he had woken up that day she had disappeared. He was alive because of her, even if he couldn’t see her ever again. She gambled her own existence so she could turn back time. “Zen...I love you. Please live your life fully. I want you to be happy. Keep going forward. Keep going…” Zen slouched over on the couch, holding the ring tightly in his fist as he began to sob. He wasn’t crazy, he wasn’t imagining things. She was real, but not in this world. “You idiot!” He screamed, “Who told you I wanted to live without you!” He thrashed around, the rest of the mail flying around the room. His belongings were thrown about, smashing against the walls or breaking on the floor. He crumpled to the ground as he laid his head on the coffee table. “How...how do I live without you?” The tears kept coming until he tired himself out, his body limping to the ground as he fell asleep. He woke up in the middle of the night, groaning as his neck was stiff from the position he ended up in. He sat up quickly still, looking around to look for the letter. A tinge of pain shot through his heart as he had hoped he didn’t find it, that it was all just his imagination. He felt around the carpet and as his hand felt the ring, his eyes closed with the realization that everything was real. He spent the rest of the night up on the roof, staring up into the starry sky as he often did with her in the past. He smiled softly as the sun began to rise, “I hope you are watching this too, wherever you are.” “I don’t know how I’d go on if you weren’t around, babe.” “Nonsense, Zen! You just keep going with your head held high! I never wanted to leave you.”

“I guess I’m the one that left you, huh?” He laughed, a few tears trickling down his cheek, “I wish you would have asked me if this was okay...” His body fully relaxed as he seemed to melt into the roof tiles, “For you, I won’t waste this life you’ve given me.” Over the next few days, Zen had cleaned up his place and gotten himself situated into his normal routine. He began to frequent the chatroom again, blaming his behavior on a small breakdown from too much stress. Although the others were wary of the excuse, he seemed to be back to normal so they mostly glossed over it. He took another role fairly quickly which allowed him to get his mind off things. His evenings again were filled with long jogs after rehearsals, enjoying the stinging sensation of the air in his lungs. It all still hurt, but he knew he didn’t want to waste the life that she had given him. Stopping in the park as he slowed his jogging to take a drink of water, he noticed a figure in the distance. The sunset burst rays of orange around them, his chest tightening as the form and the hair that blew in the wind was achingly familiar. His body moved towards it subconsciously as if being pulled by some otherworldly forced and when he was close enough he called out to her, “Babe?” The woman turned her head as she heard the voice, a melancholic smile crossed her features, “Zen…” He held his hand out without a second thought, stopping only inches away from her arm, “Honey...” “Whatever dimension it is, if he gets too close to you he will die.” “Then I don’t care! I’ll stay away from him, just let him live!” He flinched as the words ran through his mind again. She wanted him to live. He had to let her go. “I love you, and I always will.” He said softly, finally making physical contact with her. Underneath his touch, her body began to fade, “I love you too. Thank you...for giving me everything I ever needed. Goodbye…” Zen watched as she disappeared completely, leaving his hand suspended in the air, “No, thank you.”

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