LV: pave and sculpt
Well, my first class got canceled today. What a drag…
My life has been taking its turns and choosing directions. I don’t know if it’s the will of the Universe that’s making me go forth in these paths or if it’s just my own choices. Or maybe both who knows. You know I’ve been really thinking about this whole, “What do I believe in?” question. It’s so mind-boggling. Like a puzzle with missing pieces. Okay that was a bit cliche. But really I don’t understand it all. And I hate how it’s just supposed to be like that, there’s supposed to be a “mystery.” I don’t like mysteries much unless it’s me being a mystery to everyone else. Because I was thinking, say I really honestly don’t believe in God but then I believe that there is a higher being which I kinda am doing since I call whatever it is “The Universe” but then doesn’t that have the same meaning as a god? I don’t know, just because I’m calling it the Universe doesn’t mean that it still can’t be a god. It’s so confusing. I try not to believe in anything though because I think it’s a waste believing that there’s someone pulling the strings for this entire world. Because then consciously or not, someone begins hoping to the higher being that something will happen. Or someone will even blame that higher being for why something happened. “It happened because the universe wanted to happen, or allowed it to happen,” or some sort. It all doesn’t make sense to me! I don’t like believing in anything but I don’t think I’m an atheist because no matter how logical it is to just say that there is nothing up there or anywhere that’s making all these sequence of events happen, there are always coincidences or incidents that lead me to think that there must be a higher being. It’s all quite puzzling. These thoughts come upon me time and time again and when I begin to question everything I seek books, lectures, life lessons, anything that will help me find my way. And whenever I do that I accumulate so many different ideas from different religions or practices and combine them to make one that suits what I think would be a righteous life to lead. I just can’t wrap my head around worshiping one god or multiple gods because so many people have different beliefs and these beliefs might fit will with those people, and they may even cross over and fit well with people who have different beliefs, it’s just absolutely crazy to think that all these gods exist. What is a god even? What makes a god? To me “god” is only a word that’s like a noun or an adjective. The Universe?? What am I thinking? That’s like equivalent to me saying “god” but just substituting the word for “universe.” Like the word “god,” the word “universe” also has a meaning. I’ll even look it up: “all existing matter and space considered as a whole; the cosmos. The universe is believed to be at least 10 billion light years in diameter and contains a vast number of galaxies; it has been expanding since its creation in the Big Bang about 13 billion years ago”. That’s the first one that came up. So what exactly am I meaning when I say, “the universe has plans for me”? That’s like someone who believes in God saying, “God has plans for me,” only saying that God has plans for me is more correct when it comes to definitions.I don’t get it, I don’t get it at all. But interestingly enough, I want to get it. At the same time, how can I fully grasp an idea, a higher being, if I can’t prove it? It’s all crazy.
At times I feel like even thinking about a higher being, gods, the universe, is a waste of time because philosophers and inquisitive individuals spend their whole lives trying to figure out what it is that is controlling everything or if there is even something that is controlling everything or the creator of the world or what have you but I feel like sometimes maybe it’s just all imaginary. There are very creative and imaginative people in the world who create many stories and maybe the idea of a higher being is yet another story that has been created by a very talented writer or thinker. It’s all a blur to me, it’s like I’ll never be able to find a clear view of what all of this is. Maybe it’s something that shouldn’t even be ventured at all because what if there truly isn’t anything there, it’ll all be a waste of time. Maybe higher beings are just there for some people because it gives people something to put all the blame on. Good or bad, it’s because ____ wants it to happen. It’s not right. We are individuals, we are creative, we have the capability of paving our own paths and sculpting our own life. Inevitable things may happen, situations may be irreversible but we are always in control.
