I want you to obsess over how cute you think I am. I want you to TELL ME that you think I’m the cutest fucking thing you e ever seen. I want you to try to hang out with me. I want you to plan cute dates for us. I want you to surprise me with tiny gifts. I want you to get me flowers. I want you to tell me how excited you are to see me when I’m off work. I want you to cry because you love me so much. I want you to say things like “god I’m so fucking in love with you” and “you’re so fucking beautiful.” I want to catch you looking at me, smiling. I ask “what?” And you be like “nothing” and continue to look at me smiling. I want you to tell me you miss me, even tho it’s only been an hour. I want you to ask me to send selfies because you just want to see my face.
But if I ask for all of this? It wouldn’t be genuine. Or at least I would always wonder if it was. You would probably say “I’ll try” or say you don’t think about it or you forget or honestly I don’t fucking know what you would say. I really don’t know. I’m trying to believe that you think these things and just don’t say them but what are the chances it’s true? I know this is why I’m starting counseling. It’s only been 3 days but it feels like I have a knife in me that has only just barely been removed but it still gets twisted around every other hour or so to remind me it’s there.
So I’m just gonna keep reminding myself it’s worth it. We are worth it. That rainbow after the storm that we will get to see? It’s worth it. And I already got a teeny tiny preview so I know it’s true.