Intimacy. It's not limited to our romantic parts but rather an act shared between two individuals. For me... it's about compassion and love. Cuddling my friends for the days when I didn't have my parents provide this intimacy. Where I seek intimacy in all my relationships even within a one night stand so I can finally find someone that will carry some of the burden I've carried for far too long. It's unhealthy and unjust to expect intimacy from strangers. But because I hold so little of it in my daily life, I find myself fending for the smallest amount of crumbs just to have the void in my chest be filled. I know I deserve the world... but I'm instead scared of repeating this endless pattern of promising myself better and failing that any attempt of anything beyond friendship is hopeless. That my scarred heart can't take any more third-degree burns. I look at my scars and feel nothing but shame. Feeling as if I am repeating a cycle instead of breaking free from it. That I feel worthy of love and know it in my soul I'm good... so I try again, and it's just as devastating as the last. So I reach for what I can making myself feel safe. Having healthy coping with gym going or meditation but... on late nights like these where I miss the comfort of someone's arms, feeling safe... no longer afraid of the world burning me anymore and allowing reassurance that I'm doing okay and not just lying to myself again... I don't know what to do now. I just have to promise myself that I can take care of me even if I don't know if I can't have everything. Universe guide me to happiness within myself... so when I get burned, I don't have to worry about getting up anymore. That I know I will get up and won't live in a state of consistent suffering. Because I want to do right by myself... please... don't continue to break me when I have so little strength left. When I can barely keep moving as is. I just want to heal. I want to be strong for myself and not worry that my next burn will be my end because I owe it to myself to have happiness beyond a deep, passionate love. I owe it to myself to be able to cherish life for me right now, not out of fear but for love and forgiveness. So that no matter what I feel on a dark day, I can always think of a bright side inside of being consumed by tragedy and insecurity. I know life is about the ebs and flows... but I always want to believe the silver lining. Help me in this healing journey. I'm ready for my own inner happiness without me letting outside factors impact my mood. Teach me stability so that I can be met with my thoughts and reject the impurities and no longer be afraid of stagnation or silence...
