#13rwtapes

[believeinorcas]

Tape 7, Side A: Mr Porter -- 13th Side of the Story

One last try. I’m giving life one last try. I recorded 12 tapes. 

I started with Justin. Then Jessica. Who each broke my heart. 

Alex, Tyler, Courtney, Marcus, who each helped destroy my reputation. 

On through Zach and Ryan...who broke my spirit.

Through tape number 12...Bryce Walker. Who broke my soul.

But a funny thing happened as I finished number 12. I felt something...shift. I had poured it all out...and for a minute, just a minute, I felt like maybe I could beat this. I decided to give life one more chance. But this time, I was asking for help, because I know I can’t do it alone. I know that now. Of course if you’re listening to this, I failed. Or he failed, and my fate is sealed.

 A few days after I recorded 12, I saw Bryce in the hallway. And I thought I could never show my face at that school again. Everything was dark for days. But then, just a little flash of light. A flash of light and you think, maybe…

 Mr Porter: I was glad to see you on my calendar.

Hannah: Why?

Mr Porter: I’m just glad you made an appointment to come talk.

So, uh...what’s on your heart today?

Hannah: Well, uh...just everything, I guess.

Mr Porter:Ok, every...everything, huh? Everything is a lot.

Why don’t we start with how you’re feeling right now.

Hannah: Right now?

Mr Porter: Yeah. Right now.

Hannah: Lost. I guess. Sort of empty.

Mr Porter: Empty?

Hannah: Yeah, I don’t feel anything. Like, I don’t care any more.

Mr Porter: You don’t care about what?

Hannah: About anything. School. Myself. The people here. My parents.

Mr Porter: Your parents?

Hannah: I mean, I care about them, but I’m not...I’m not who they need me to be.

Mr Porter:Well, who do they need you to be?

Hannah: Not...a problem.

Mr Porter: Really? Well, how are you a problem to them?

Hannah: I don’t know...You can get that if you want.

Mr Porter: Uh, no. No, uh...Listen, what about your friends? Do you care about them? Hannah: Friends? What friends?

Mr Porter: Now, I know you have friends. I see you in the halls.

Hannah: Yeah, well...

Mr Porter: Jessica Davis. Alex Standall. And I’ve seen you around with Courtney Crimsen.

Hannah: Yeah, they’re not my friends.

Mr Porter: What about Clay Jensen?

Hannah: Clay Jensen hates me.

Mr Porter: I don’t think Clay Jensen hates you. I don’t know him all that well, but he doesn’t seem the type to hate anyone.

Hannah: It’s like it doesn’t even matter what you say. Maybe it does. I don’t know.

Mr Porter: Okay, I’m not following you.

Hannah: You know what? Never mind.

Mr Porter: Wait, hang on. Don’t go. Just...Just help me out here. Please. When you leave this office...how would you like things to be different for Hannah?

Hannah: I don’t know. I ... I’m not sure what I’m expecting.

Mr Porter: All right. Well, it sounds like there’s something that you need that you’re not getting. So, let’s start there.

Hannah: I need it to stop.

Mr Porter: You need what to stop?

Hannah: I need everything to stop. Just...people. Life.

Mr Porter: Life? Hannah. What did you mean when you said you needed life to stop?

Hannah: I don’t know.

Mr Porter: ‘Cause that seems like a very serious thing to say.

Hannah: I know. I ... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that, I guess.

Mr Porter: So what happened, Hannah? How did you get here?

Hannah: Just...one thing on top of another.

Mr Porter: If I’m gonna help you, I’m gonna need you to be a little more specific.

Hannah: I’m sure you’ve heard some of the rumours about me.

Mr Porter: I haven’t, actually. What do these rumours say?

Hannah: Last year, I was voted...actually, not voted. Someone made this stupid list. “Best of, worst of” thing. And people have been reacting to it ever since.

Mr Porter: When was the last time?

Hannah: A week ago. At a party.

Mr Porter: What happened at the party? Was there...Did you have an encounter at the party?

Hannah: An encounter? Yeah, you could say that.

Mr Porter: Did...

Hannah: You don’t want to talk about this, do you?

Mr Porter: No, I do. Listen, Hannah, I’m not gonna judge you...but did anything happen that night that you regret?

Hannah: Yes.

Mr Porter: Are you embarrassed by what happened?

Hannah: Yes.

Mr Porter: Maybe you made a decision?

Hannah: No, I ...

Mr Porter: A decision to do something with a boy that you now regret.

Hannah: Oh, my god, no! That’s just what you assume?

Mr Porter: No, I’m just asking you.

Hannah: I didn’t make a decision.

Mr Porter: Okay. Sorry. Um...Did anything happen at the party that may be considered illegal?

Hannah: Maybe.

Mr Porter: Alcohol?

Hannah: Yeah, but I wasn’t drinking.

Mr Porter: Drugs?

Hannah: Not that I know of.

Mr Porter: Did he force himself on you?

Hannah: I think so.

Mr Porter: You think so? But you’re not sure. Did you tell him to stop?

Hannah: No.

Mr Porter: Did you tell him no?

Hannah: No

Mr Porter: Maybe you consented, then changed your mind?

Hannah: No, it’s not like that!

Mr Porter: Should we involve your parents or the police?W

Hannah: No!

Mr Porter: Hannah, who’s the boy? Who’s the boy? If you can’t give me a name...If you don’t want to press charges against this boy...if you’re not even sure you can press charges...then there really is only one option.

Hannah: What is it?

Mr Porter: I’m not trying to be blunt here, Hannah, but...you can move on.

Hannah: You mean...do nothing.

Mr Porter: Is he in your class?

Hannah: He’s a senior.

Mr Porter: That means he’ll be gone in a few months.

Hannah: Are you fucking kidding me?

Mr Porter: Look, something happened, Hannah. And I believe you. But if you won’t confront him...then the only other choice is to move on.

Hannah: Yeah. That’s just what I’m going to have to do. Thank you, Mr Porter.

Mr Porter: Okay. There’s more to talk about, other resources.

Hannah: No, I think we figured it out. I need to move on and get over it.

Mr Porter: Hannah, I didn’t say get over it. But sometimes that’s the only other option.

Hannah: Look, you’re right. I know.

Mr Porter: Hey, Hannah, you can sit down. You don’t need to be in a hurry.

Hannah: I need to get on with things, Mr Porter. If things aren’t going to change, I’d better get on with it, right?

Mr Porter: Hey, Hannah.

 His door is closed behind me.

He’s not coming.

 I think I’ve made myself very clear...but no ones coming forward to stop me. Some of you care. None of you cared enough. Neither did I, and I’m sorry. So...it’s the end of tape 13. There’s nothing more to say.

[believeinorcas]

Tape 6, Side B: Bryce Walker -- 12th Side of the Story

Here we are. Tape 12.

If you’ve listened this far and you haven’t heard your name, well I bet you know exactly what’s coming now. Or maybe you don’t have any idea. Could that be true? Could a person be that sick? Lets find out. But first we have to start at the beginning of the worst day of my life.

I wanted to tell Clay everything. How could I tell him anything, any more after that night at the party?

 It seemed like no matter what I did I kept letting people down. I started thinking how everyone’s lives would be better without me. And what does that feel like? It feels like nothing. Like a deep, endless, always blank, nothing. And for those of you who will now be looking for signs everywhere...what does it really look like? Here’s the scary thing. It looks like nothing.

It wasn’t a short walk. I walked forever that night. Through my old neighbourhood, where the houses were nicer than the one we lived in now. All the way up to the hill where the rich people live. Where you live. 

And from blocks away, I heard it. The music. The murmur of voices. The siren call of a party. You’d think I’d know better than to follow that call after Jessica’s party. But my feet followed it. My mind and heart were still in a big, blank nothing.

 I was surprised to see Jessica at another party. But then I was surprised to see myself at another party. And I can’t explain it...but sitting there under the stars, I felt at peace. For the first time in days.

 The way I see it, there are two different kinds of death. If you’re lucky, you live a long and one day your body stops working and it’s over. But if you’re not lucky, you die a little bit. Over and over. Until you realise it’s too late.

 I know some of you listening might think there was more I could’ve done or should’ve done. But I’d lost control...and in that moment it felt like...it felt like I was already dead.

 I thought that maybe I could forget about what had happened. But thanks to you, Bryce...I finally lived up to my reputation. And I knew there was no way I could ever live that down. But I thought at least maybe I could set the record straight. So I started making a list...trying to piece together just exactly how my life had gone so wrong...and the names that came out. Life is unpredictable. And control is just an illusion. And sometimes all that unpredictability is overwhelming. And it makes us feel small and powerless. And once I took a look back...and I finally understood how everything happened, I decided that no one would ever hurt me again.

[believeinorcas]

Tape 6, Side A: Clay Jensen -- 11th Side of the Story

I’ve told you about two of the worst decisions I ever made, and the damage left behind, and the people who got hurt. There was one more story to tell. One more bad decision. And this one’s all on me. 

No, it wasn’t the decision to go to the party, because how could I have known? But it was the same night. That same awful night.

Remember that story I was saving for later? Well, this is it. And it’s all about you...Clay.

 Clay, I know you’re asking yourself why you’re on these tapes. What could you have possibly of done? What else could have happened on the night of Jessica’s party?

Part of me was saying, “Ask me again”. Part of me was saying, “Don’t go”.Not even for Clay. I should’ve listened to that part of me. See, I never told you Clay, but I’ve always admired you. You are who you are and you don’t care, and I always cared what other people thought, as much as I acted like I didn’t. Is that a boy girl/thing, or a Clay/Hannah thing?

 I bet you also wish you’d never gone to Jessica’s, right Clay? I bet you wished you hadn’t invited me. I’d talked to you a million times before, but tonight was different, and I didn’t know what to say to you. But when you finally came up to me, you knew just how to break the ice. I was so nervous that night, but you made it seem so easy. So, lets start with the part of the party that I left out.

 At that moment, everything was perfect and for the first time, in a long time, I could imagine a future where I was happy. How good life could be. And I know you felt it too. I wanted you to do everything you were doing. So I don’t know why my mind took me everywhere else. And I thought of every other guy. And they all became you. Part of me was saying, “Please don’t leave”. Part of me never wanted to see you again. But you walked out the door, like I told you to. Why’d you have to leave? It was the worst thing ever. And then it got worse.

 Clay...Helmet.,,

Your name does not belong on this list. But you need to be here if I’m going to tell my story. If I’m going to explain why I did what I did. Because you aren’t every other guy. You’re different. You’re good and kind and decent. And I didn’t deserve to be with someone like you. I never would. I would’ve ruined you. It wasn’t you, it was me...and everything that’s happened to me.

[believeinorcas]

Tape 5, Side B: Sheri Holland -- 10th Side of the Story

Sometimes...things just happen to you. They just happen. You can‘t help it. But it’s what you do next that counts. Not what happens, but what you decide to do about it. And I’ve made some very bad decisions in my life. As you know.

 I told you there were more stories to tell about the night of Jessica’s party. So here goes. 

I wanted to leave. But where would I go? And how would I get there? I was too weak to walk. Or, just too weak to try. And then an unlikely hero came my way. Now I wonder if we would have both been better off staying at the party. Sheri, this ones for you. 

I needed to find a working phone. I wish I’d found it faster.

 So yeah, that’s the terrible decision. But it’s not the whole story. I just needed to be alone. This was starting to be more than I could live with.

 I walked by their house, three times, the week after Jeff died. I even got their phone number, and called, and didn’t leave a message. I wanted to tell them. I couldn’t. I know it was guilt that I was feeling and anger. I think lots of anger. Anger at the whole fucking world and the way it works. But mostly anger at myself. For what I could’ve had and never would. That’s terrible decision number two. That’s up next.

That’s another sad and stupid story. There’s so much wrong in the world. There’s so much hurt. I couldn’t take knowing I made it worse. And I couldn’t take knowing that it would never get any better.

[believeinorcas]

Tape 5, Side A: Justin Foley -- 9th Side of the Story

I’ve got a question for you, Justin. Not the one you think. Not yet. What’s the best part of High School? The great friends you make? The romance? No. We both know the best part of High School...is Summer break. It’s the great reset button. And after everything that happened to me sophomore year, I couldn’t wait to start fresh. To tear the rest of the pages from my journal and forget it all.

Except I didn’t get very far.

At work, my usual partner in crime was spending the summer with his grandparents. His temporary replacement was nice enough, but entirely too normal. And I couldn’t escape my past. I needed a change. I needed to be someone new. Have you ever felt like that? I wasn’t going to be invisible any more. I was going to start brand new. I was going to cut away the past...and leave it all behind. I was going to work harder. Be smarter. And be stronger. Because you can’t change other people, but you can change yourself.

 Part of me knew I shouldn’t go to Jessicas house that night. But another part of me couldn’t help but wonder what, or who I might be missing out on. So here I am. The brand new me. Living the same old life. 

I thought maybe starting over didn’t have to mean cutting myself off completely. Maybe I’d be hanging with the wrong people. Maybe I could start over with the right person. But if I’d have known what was going to happen, I never would have walked through that door. If I’d of known what would happen. What that night had in store. I might never have walked through that door.

 Parties have a weird magic. They’re like an alternate universe. They can make you believe that maybe anything is possible. Maybe you do fit in, after all.

 But you didn’t, did she, Justin? She didn’t know...and people don’t really change. Welcome to your second tape, Justin Foley.

 That night, for the first time in a long time...I didn’t feel invisible. I was nervous ‘cause I felt so good and I didn’t want to screw it up. I was trying to act normal. I didn’t really know how any more. There are three stories to tell about that night.

I’ll tell this one first. How did I end up in that bedroom? That’s another story. But for now, Justin, you’d been with the same girl all night. But I’m not gonna call her out by name. Even though, if you were at that party, you already know. I realised two things in that moment. Number one: I was drunk and number two: so was this girl. But I figured you’d just give up and leave her alone. At least, I hoped you would.

I know what you’re thinking...maybe if this girl hadn’t had so much to drink, what happened next never would have happened. But it was a party, everyone had too much to drink. And besides, how can you blame someone for something that happens while they’re unconscious. I had to do something. I had to make him stop But I couldn’t get my feet to move. It was dark in there, and the music was loud, but I saw his face. And I recognised his voice as clear as day...and so would all of you. But this tape isn’t about him, it’s about you and me Justin. You called him a friend, but your girlfriend needed you.

That girl had two chances that night. But we both let her down. How do I live with that? How do you, Justin? How does she live with what happened?

[believeinorcas]

Tape 4, Side B: Ryan Shaver -- 8th Side of the Story

Some girls know all the lyrics to each others songs. They find harmonies in their laughter. Their linked elbows echo in tune. What if I can’t hum on key? What if my melodies are the ones nobody hears?

 It all started because I was feeling lost. I needed direction. Any direction. ‘Cause sometimes you take any way out you can find. Dream big, they say. Shoot for the stars. Then they lock us away for 12 years and tell us where to sit, when to pee, and what to think. Then  we turn 18 and even though we’ve never had an original thought, we have to make the most important decision of our lives. And if you don’t have the money and you don’t really have the grades, a lot of the decision gets made for you.

 I wanted a purpose. A reason for being on this planet. But that poetry group looked like an AA meeting. Or a support group. I saw no one within decades of my age. Until I saw you. You were the only other High School Kid in the room. Ryan Shaver. Liberty Highs resident intellectual, editor of Lost and Found, general selfish snob.

 It must be possible to swim in the ocean of the one you love without drowning. It must be possible to swim without becoming water yourself. I keep finding stones tied to my feet. 

But is that why you really did it? So you could help me touch just one person? I doubt it. People like you don’t make selfless moves. You knew the shit I shared was personal. You knew where it came from, and that it would get people talking. I realise now I was desperate for someone to listen...and you listened. And then you turned around and made my most private thoughts a public spectacle. So you bear your heart to one person and everybody ends up laughing.

 Sometimes the future doesn’t unfold the way you think it will. Shit happens, and people suck. Maybe that’s why I stopped writing...and eventually started making tapes. Some girls know all the lyrics to each others songs. They find harmonies in their laughter. Their linked elbows echo in tune. What if I can’t hum on key?

[believeinorcas]

Tape 4, Side A: Zach Dempsey -- 7th Side of the story

You’re going to tell me this one’s no big deal. But let me tell you about being lonely. Humans are a social species. We rely on connections to survive. Even the most basic social interactions help keep us alive. Statistics prove the subjective feeling of loneliness can increase the likelihood of pre-mature death by 26%. If it sounds like I’m quoting from a school text book, I am. Too bad nobody bothered to read it. And let me tell you, there’s all kinds of ways to feel lonely. I’m not talking the garden variety lonely in a crowd lonely. That’s everyone, everyday. And it’s not that “when will I find love?” kind of lonely. Or that “the popular kids are mean to me” kind of lonely. The popular kids are always mean. That’s how they get popular. I know, ironic. Old news.

The kind of lonely I’m talking about, is when you feel like you’ve got nothing left. Nothing...and no one. Like you’re drowning and no one will throw you a line. Well, when the subject of this tape worked his sneaky magic, that’s how I was feeling. And when you’re that kind of lonely, you reach for anything...no matter how silly it may seem. And communications class could be supremely silly...as you know. Sometimes the silly things can mean more than anyone knows. They all need it...human contact. And communications class, crazy as it was, was human contact for me. 

Until someone in that class cut my lifeline. Someone who was known for being sweet. I’ll tell you who it is, but you’re going to have to wait. Just like I did. I’m going to play mind games with you. Just like you played with me.

It happened after Valentines day...when you really feel that lack of human contact. Especially when you make contact with the wrong human. That’s a whole new level of lonely. But through it all, you still want to believe there are good guys in the world. You were kind that night. You just sat there letting me ignore you until it was almost comical. You were so sweet. Just like Kat said, once upon a time. So sweet. Well, welcome to your tape, Zach.

 To those of you who aren’t Zach, you can relax. For now at least. As for you Zach...I wonder if you ever felt what it’s like to be lonely. Like I did that day.

Is it even possible to know when you’re one of the most popular jocks and not one of those kids who sits alone in the cafeteria, hiding behind a book. Have you ever noticed us? You said something stupid Zach...and I yelled at you. Big deal. You should’ve let it go. But you didn’t let it go. You didn’t like that someone told you no. Because guys like you get anything you want, right? Can’t imagine why a little piece of paper could mean so much. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to need a lifeline Zach.

 The day after you insulted me in the cafeteria, my compliment bag was empty. Not even a cute bunny. By the end of the second week I knew something was up. Maybe I should have let it go. But I didn’t. I wrote you a letter. I poured my heart out, opening up about personal things I hadn’t had the courage to admit to anyone. How hard life was getting. How lonely I felt. And how those stupid compliments actually meant something to me. And then I set my trap. I was hoping once you read the letter you’d get it. You’d realise how much I needed those silly things you were stealing from me. I guess I wasn’t even worth a reaction. Why me, Zach? Why me?

 I was feeling desperate so I texted someone I thought was a friend. I texted you Jessica, and you said you’d come. And then you didn’t. I get it Jess. I gave you a ride home. That didn’t make us friends again. So I guess I didn’t have any friends...at all. Anymore. You had to know I wrote that note, Zach. And you said nothing. You let everyone think it was Skye. Why didn’t you speak up?

 See, I have this theory, Zach. I have this theory that you’re lonely too. Could that be possible? What kind of lonely could the great Zach Dempsey possibly feel Maybe that kind where you think no one truly sees you?I know that kind of lonely. Do you?

 No one knows what’s really going on in another persons life. And you never know how what you do, will effect someone else. And if that goes for me, it must go for everyone. Even cheerleaders.

[believeinorcas]

Tape 3, Side B: Marcus Cole -- 6th Side of the Story

How many of you remember the Oh My Dollar Valentines? Those were fun, weren’t they? You fill out a survey, and for just a buck, you get the name and number of your one true soul mate. And hey, all proceeds go to a worthy cause: cheer camp. 

The Dollar Valentine survey was a two-parter: Describe yourself, and describe what you’re looking for in someone else. And, as I filled mine out, I realised I was actually describing a certain someone. You’d think if my answers all described one person...that person would at least appear in my Top Five. But no. I didn’t match up to the one person who might really have been right. Maybe it wasn’t my fault. Maybe none of us can say who we truly are. Maybe we’re more than what the world sees, or less. Maybe none of us are who we seem.

 I always kind of liked Marcus. You always seemed like a good guy. Then again, they almost always do. Marcus, welcome to your tape. What was it? Did you want to see if the rumours were true? Or did you just want to start some new ones of your own? And I just keep thinking, if only someone else could have had me on their list, then maybe...maybe it could have all been different.

 My parents were High School sweethearts. So shoot me. I still believed in romance. I waited for you Marcus. And I just had to sit there wondering, imagining, playing over all the different scenarios in my mind. But all the while thinking they all knew. Everyone in the whole place that I’d been stood up. On Valentines day. I decided to give you one more chance. Stupid Hannah. So then you finally showed up. Except you weren’t alone, and again, you were funny Marcus, and I thought maybe...just maybe it was going to be alright.

I couldn’t move. I couldn’t get up and leave or scream. Anything would have been better than sitting there thinking that somehow this was my fault. Thinking I’d be alone for the rest of my life. 

But through it all, you want to believe that there are good guys in this world. I knew there were. I believed it. Fun fact: I did some research on tomb stones the other day. Or more specifically, on epitaphs on tomb stones. The best one I could find was by this writer called Henry Charles Bukowski Jnr. On his tomb stone he has engraved a picture of a boxer. And beneath the boxer, two simple words: “Don’t try”.

I wonder what will be on mine.