#18.8.2021

[mansikka-wizard-art]

My crown for a Tale of Crowns. Their name is Aamir and I think they’re going to romance R, but I’m not sure yet.

Them with the facepaint that I’m probably going to redesign later under cut:

[puregrief]

عقلي مش قادر يستوعب اللي بيحصل في العالم، ومش قادر يستوعب رد فعل الناس وأفكارهم. حقيقي دماغي عاملة ايرور كده وحاسة إني عايزة أفصلها عن كل اللي بيحصل ده وأشد الفيشة.

[godsnameisjoy]

NO WOMAN, NO CRY

Date: 18 August 2021

Duration: 42 minutes at 10:45 PM

Depth:

This session ended with tears streaming down my cheeks. This was followed immediately with my mind saying ‘I am not doing the affirmations’ for this session. I did say the Gurudev-authored affirmation in the morning session. After laying myself down on the bed for the nightly sleep, I wept a lot more.

Through the weeping, there was one thought. This was the main thought. And the thought was ‘How does anyone carry the memory of abuse?’ This thought was immediately followed by another thought ‘How light or heavy did Jesus find his cross? How long was His walk with the cross? Knowing that walking to be part of His prophecy, did the cross feel any lighter on His shoulders?’ As I write this paragraph, I can’t dare to ask if He thought of the treatment He had received recently after He was pinned to His karma.

The answer to that unasked question is already in the Bible. He sought forgiveness for those who had treated Him like shit. He probably didn’t want their bag of bad karma to get heavy. He probably didn’t want another cross to be as heavy as His. He did make a whole hearted effort to change the world.

His walk is a mere 2000 feet, google said. After which He had to take the next big step of allowing folk the entertainment of His death. That’s it. His resurrection thereafter frees Him up forever. It’s cool. It’s ‘macho’ kind of cool, to be able to resurrect at will like that. And it speaks of His tremendous closeness to His father in heaven. He must have raced the last run from entering the portal of death to arriving His father’s kingdom in heaven.

My memories don’t haunt me. They keep me on my toes. And the strategy to create good memories each day doesn’t sound too wise to me. Any effort with the faculty of memory seems futile. It sounds anti-mindfulness. The faculty of memory is way too intermeshed with the faculty of flight or fight.

I think it is interesting to note that Jesus sought for forgiveness. He, for some reason, didn’t forgive His ill-treaters all by Himself. That’s unlike the social media video about a WW2 concentration camp survivor meeting with her abuser to forgive him. Even the method used by psychiatrists to take one bad memory at a time and to deal with it, seems like an extremely slow process.

When Jesus was still fixed to His cross, He had the conviction to say that He and His father were one. His father is probably more macho than Him and therefore aspirational.

[puregrief]

حان الآن موعد البوست اليومي:✨كسم الإنسان✨

[godsnameisjoy]

MORNING MEDITATION

Date: 18 August 2021

Duration: 43 minutes at 10:24 AM

Depth:

This session was really an attempt at trying to achieve the same quality of concentration as my regular nightly meditations. Last night’s session was qualitatively low simply because the lights in the room were on.

I strongly feel that I don’t have such luxury. I couldn’t possibly be so deeply set in my practice that my attention can’t handle a change of lighting.

It’s a bright morning for me now. And I am glad I made the attempt to concentrate despite outer brightness. Them saints are unanimous across religions about the inner God being brighter than all the stars in the sky, our sun included.

It has been a failed attempt. I didn’t get past my conscious mind. It’s an attempt worth the failure though. I must do it again. I must keep my interactions to a basic minimum and get back to another round of meditation. Even my conscious mind isn’t such a bad place to spend time in.