Vampires and 1,800 seconds...
With Sarah off to college, and Jeremy’s night shifts, I find myself completely alone with Lily three nights a week, and it scares the shit out of me. I’ve always had high anxiety, but for some reason spending four hours alone with Lily doing exactly what I would be doing if another adult was with me seems to up my anxiety to record heights. Maybe it’s because I know I don’t have the safety net of being able to say “watch Lil for a minute while I _______ real quick” – with “______” being anything from “take a shit in peace” to “clean the puke she just unleashed all over her bed”. I’ve had some really horrible experiences with Lily while Jeremy was at work – and also while he was at home – but I usually had Sarah there to back me up when needed. Sarah tried to bow out from pitching in with family duties as much as possible by sticking to her bedroom – a strategy I didn’t always let her get away with - but she could be counted on to help when the emergency arose. Then again, the near panic attack level of anxiety I feel on my way home from work on nights I’m alone with Lil might stem from knowing that it’s all me. Lily is an energy vampire. Actually, I have a theory that all kids are energy vampires – that’s why you always hear people asking “where do they get all their energy”, because it’s from you! They are sucking it right out of you! When Lily’s out with my mother, and she comes home, I can literally feel my energy drop the moment that tiny juggernaut walks in the door. So knowing that I’m the only power source for this mini-nosferatu is terrifying. I feel guilty because instead of enjoying these precious moments of her early years, I’m eagerly counting the minutes until her bedtime when I can tuck her in, close the door and spend 30 glorious minutes of mindlessness, vegging out in front of Big Bang reruns and definitely not having to respond to anyone for one thousand eight hundred seconds.