The children took up her thoughts and it was a sweet refuge.
Deimos cried less now that Lena was home, and Alecto took some sick pleasure from the fact that Juliet no longer had her daughter with her. Lena was with family, not running about like some stray dog like her mother. She had her father, and best of all... Deimos was so much happier. That pain that had resonated with her so deeply, the pain from his cries of being torn apart from his sister, it was too much to bear some days. With his sibling back, the cries came less than the laughter, which could make Alecto’s heart burst.
She had always hated children. Never had she expected to take kindly to any small creature that so desperately relied on the help of others for survival. It was only now, after bonding with Deimos, and therefore Lena, that Alecto felt such fierce vigilance over children. This bled over into others as well, like Achilles and Lyra. Before, there was apprehension... now, it was an unadulterated need to protect them and ravage anything that tried to hurt them. They were bonded to her, one way or another. Her nieces and nephews. Her kin.
As though on cue, a cry emitted from the crib across from Lena’s and Aly moved to comfort her admittedly favorite child. Perhaps he reminded her so much of Amycus or perhaps it was the moment she heard his pained sobs of a broken heart... she wasn’t quite sure, but she adored that little child - more than she thought she was capable of. Lifting the infant and resting him close to her, she shushed him, holding him close... it was a fulfillment.
Taking care of the children had been awkward at first. There was certainly a learning curve in child rearing that took Aly a number of weeks to grow accustomed to, but now she watched closely over any newcomer who attempted to care for them. She was harshly critical of how they were picked up, how they were treated. Even Emma for a while was she particularly severe... that may have had something to do with other resentment within her, however.
They were happy, though. Both of them. All of them. That was all she could want, despite her bitter heart.
With Amycus and Emma in their honeymoon phase (for practically the fifth time, Alecto would constantly begrudge on her brother), the female Carrow was left to watch the children. Certainly the house elves could, and often Ellie would assist her, but Alecto enjoyed doing it herself and spending time with the heir and heiress. There was something about the children that tempered the fiery redhead. She didn’t feel quite so neurotic with them. She didn’t feel quite so demented... a beautiful distraction.
They were an escape from the ever looming presence of their parents. They had interacted with them on occasion, but she could hardly last an hour before finding some reason to escape their presence. The holidays approaching only left a pit in her stomach. Christmas parties would be expected. Visitations would be commonplace. More and more often would she be faced with them. It was easier now... now that Amycus knew, now that her burdens didn’t rest solely on her shoulders... but still she would see the moments. The moments when no one was watching but her, and she would see the way his eyes would scan the room, how his eyes would linger on her but half a second and strike fear into her entire body. Her skin would itch as though covered in thousands of minuscule bugs, eating at her. No one would think anything of a glance like that, so short and trivial, surely he was only taking in his surroundings. Alecto knew her father so much better than that.
Alcaeus was like a crouching leopard. Hiding away, patient as ever, waiting for his prey to least suspect him. He was extremely talented at snatching up whatever he liked through these tactics, but Alecto was ever vigilant. Too many years had she spent ignorant of him and the sickness he infected her with. Too many years spent playing the part of a wide eyed doe, unsuspecting of the panther on his perch. She watched him every moment he was in her vicinity... and he knew. He knew of the fear inside of her, how he had a hold on her to this day. It gave him joy. She could see that from the brief twinkle in his eye, or the lilt in his smirk... it made her tremor.
She dreaded each passing day that she would encounter them, and knew more would come. Every time Amycus’ children passed into his arms, something in her mind ignited like a rabid animal, wanting to lunge onto him and tear his throat out as she tore the child from him. It was Am’s ever present touch, so subtle and gentle, that kept her at bay. He didn’t deserve to hold those children. He didn’t deserve to even look at them. Yet there he was... never needing to answer to his sins... basking in the glory of his personal victories. He had utter control and it tore Alecto apart.
It grew to be unbearable some days. He would consume her thoughts. During her very bad days, she would go to Amycus. He would tell her that allowing him to have control over her like that meant he won. He didn’t have control over her... he was right, of course. He had to be. Yet, she couldn’t stop it. The hushed voices in her mind replaying memories from years and years ago. Hushed voices (her own?) telling her he was always waiting and watching. There had been one occasion where Alecto thought, there was no escape but to escape. She could do nothing to stop him from being around her. She would have to watch him hold Deimos and Lena for years to come... No. She couldn’t do it. She wasn’t strong enough. She had to leave.
Her room was left a torn up mess as she had packed her bags, ready to depart. Ready to leave without a word to anyone. There was a note left hurriedly on her bed, scribbled so quickly and desperately, because staying a moment longer meant her resolve breaking... she had to go.
But passing by the nursery, she made the mistake of glancing in.
There the children were, watching. Deimos stood against the railing of the crib, chubby little fingers wrapped around the bars, steadying himself. He just stared at her... like he knew.
She could not help herself as she tentatively moved into the room. “You are so loved.” She murmured, glancing at Lena as well, who looked up at her inquisitively. Catching Deimos’ blue eyes again, she stuck her finger into the crib for him to hold onto, feeling a smile attempt to break through. “You won’t even remember me, little one.” He clutched onto her finger desperately, then. Almost painfully.
“A-yee...” He blubbered out, distress in his tone as he reached out to her with his other hand. “A-yee, no!” The tears came brilliantly after that and Alecto was struck to her core. He could sense it. He knew. He did know. How a child could be so aware... She clenched her jaw, trying to steel herself, because no, she could not do this anymore - she could not bear it.
Deimos broke out into a terrible cry and Alecto could not help but to pick him up, almost instictually, and he clung to her... clung to her...
She collapsed onto her knees, holding him, crying with him.
What ever would she do? She could not bear to leave him...
“Aly, you don’t have to go.” As if he read her mind, but of course he did. He always could. That was who they were. She felt Amycus’ presence before he spoke, before his hand rested on her shoulder, both arms soon wrapping around her and Deimos. Her breath hitched from the tears and she pulled back, looking at the infant in her arms again. He was calmer, sleepy she could see. She could not continue to act like this, not in front of them...
Amycus followed her out of the nursery closely, carefully shutting the door behind him before Alecto fell into his arms. “I was getting better... I was getting better, Am... but he’s... he’s here. He’s always here...” In my head...
“Running will not get him out of your mind, my love.” He whispered it gently as he stroked her hair and she stared down the hallway absently, realizing he was right, though she never wanted to admit that out loud. It just meant she was forever broken. “Only you can get him out... your demons... you don’t belong to him.” There was a hint of anger in his voice that brought comfort to her. To know someone hated him so viciously, as she did. “And you can. I will help you. You’re so strong, but we need each other, Al...” He glanced back at the nursery door. “And so do they.”
She remained silent, but he sensed that she understood. The moment Deimos desperately wrapped himself to her, she knew she would not leave. She wasn’t sure if she ever would have... but it felt like the only option. Amycus drew back slightly, to cup her face with one hand, brushing a thumb on her cheek. There was a gentleness in his actions but the expression in his eyes was serious - severe. “It will not be like this forever... he will not always be around... I promise.”
She only stared at him for a few moments. It was so difficult to believe, but she had to. She felt the resolve within him. Nodding slowly and hugging close to him again, she looked to the side as her head rested on his shoulder.
It would not be like this forever... he will not always be around...
Alecto would tear him apart before she let his infection control her, again...
We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
Frank Longbottom hated surprises. While everyone else loved them he never saw the appeal. The only time Frank liked surprises was when he saw the joy they gave Alice.
Well.
That and the surprise he got on the 28th of November, 1979.
Free days were rare for Frank and Alice. They were both working or on Order missions or one of them was busy when the other wasn't. But today they had the whole day to themselves. They were still in bed, having woken up not too long ago. Alice was half lying on Frank, her eyes closed, and he traced his finger up and down her bare back. Lie ins weren't very common either and they were enjoying the tranquility. Alice was the one who eventually broke it.
"Frank?"
"Mm?" Her voice was unusual, almost wary and it caught his attention. He studied her face as she pushed herself up, holding herself up with her forearms on Frank's chest. She was studying his face right back but for what he didn't know.
"Al.." He prompted softly, pushing her hair behind her ear. She smiled back at him but it wasn't her normal smile.
"I.. Have to tell you something." Alice glanced down for a few seconds before looking back up at him. He waited for her to speak, knowing she’d get to whatever it was she was trying to say in her own time. "I'm pregnant."
The world stopped moving.
“You’re... You’re pregnant?” Alice nodded, her expression unreadable even to Frank who often knew her emotions better than his own.
“Wow.. That’s... wow.”
“What kind of wow?”
“Just.. wow.. Good wow?” He looked at her, almost to see if that was the right answer.
A few years ago Frank would never have said he wanted children, he wouldn’t have ever put much thought into. He knew he wanted a family with Alice, he just hadn’t thought of when. After the time spent as a Godparent to Lena it only solidified his want for a family and children. He just hadn’t expected it so soon.
Her unreadable expression changed into a soft smile and she nodded slightly. “Good wow,” she agreed with a nod. Frank pulled her down for a kiss.
From the age of fourteen Lily’s periods had come on the 10th of every month. It didn’t matter how stressed she got, whether she changed her diet. Every month her period started on the tenth and once or twice the ninth. It was the thirteenth. She knew there were loads of things that could throw off your period; Weight gain or loss, illness, shock, travel, accidents. There were loads of things. But Lily wasn’t sick or shocked.. She hadn’t gained or lost weight. Everything was just like normal. She wanted to know why her period was late.
As a precautionary measure, she took a pregnancy test. She didn’t know any spells so she bought a muggle one, thinking it best than worrying James by looking up spells on pregnancy.
Even looking at it made her stomach knot.
Lily went into a small cafe on her way home, ordering tea and cake. She tried not to think about how cooking breakfast this morning had made her throw up. The smell.. Lily drove away the thought. She was fine now, she had probably just eaten something bad the previous day. She sipped her tea slowly, glancing at her bag every few minutes, thinking about the pregnancy test sitting neatly in a paper bag. The woman had given it to her with a sparkle in her eyes and encouraging gaze as though she were wishing her well. Was well a positive or negative result?
She ate her cake just as slowly before making her way to the bathroom. With the door shut tightly behind her, Lily pulled the text out of her bag and opening the thin box.
“You’re not pregnant,” she told her reflection. “You’re stressed and your womb is dealing with it. You are not pregnant.” If she ordered it, maybe it would come true. Her period was only a few days late, in a couple of minutes she would feel stupid for even thinking she was pregnant. She followed the instructions carefully and left the test upside down on the edge of the sink as she washed her hands, watching her watch.
One minute left. Forty five seconds. Thirty seconds. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. She didn’t move. She stood, biting her lip and staring at the back of the test, terrified to lift it up. Death eaters she could handle, but a pregnancy test? Apparently that was too much. Lily took a deep breath, channeling the bravery she was usually so proud of. Still looking in the mirror, she picked up the test.
“You’re not pregnant,” she told herself again before her eyes flickered down.
A plus.
She was pregnant.
She was about to be sick.
Lily heaved over the toilet, still clutching the test tightly in her hand. When she was done she fell to the floor, scrambling for the instructions. Maybe she had read it wrong, maybe a plus meant not pregnant. She found them and read them three times finding the outcome didn’t change. She slumped against the wall as the reality of the situation set in. She could feel tears start to prick her eyes as a knock on the door startled her.
“Are you alright in there, dear? You’ve been in there a while.”
“I’m- Sorry, I’m-” Lily stood up quickly, shoving the test in her bag and flushing the toilet. She opened the door and tried to smile at the woman. “Sorry, I’m just a bit poorly.” The old lady smiled sympathetically and patted her arm. “That’s alright, I just wanted to check you were okay.” Lily nodded before brushing past the woman and out of the shop.
Lily walked back to the pharmacy, feeling as though her bag now weighed an extra seven kilos with the pregnancy test inside.
“Can I have two pregnancy tests, please.”
The woman at the counter frowned slightly and it took everything Lily had not to tell her t hurry up.
“Didn’t you just buy a pregnancy test?”
“Yes.”
“And?”
And it’s none of your fucking business.
Instead Lily replied. “Positive.” Lily could tell the woman was holding back a smile as she nodded.
“And now you’re double checking?”
“Triple checking.” Why was she justifying herself to this stranger?
“We have a toilet here if you’d like to use it?” Lily nodded, handing over her money with what she hoped was a grateful smile; her words were stuck in her throat. The clerk lead the way behind the counter to a small bathroom. Carefully following the instructions once again, Lily placed them on the closed toilet seat and washed her hands. When she turned off the tap there was a light knock on the door and a soft voice. “Want a hand to hold?”
With her words still not coming, Lily opened to door to let the other woman in.
“What’s your name?” she asked, taking Lily’s hand as the two sat on the floor. Lily clutched her hand tightly.
“Lily.” It was barely a whisper.
“I’m Grace.” She smiled squeezing Lily’s hand. “I have two children, they’re twins. Absolute menaces, they’re eight years old and both boys. Incredibly messy and loud but they’re the best thing in my life. I was thirty when I had them, I often wish I had been younger.”
“I’m nineteen.” It was whispered again and even Lily could hear the fear in her voice.
“And who’s the fat- man?”
“My husband.”
“You’re married! Lucky you. I was twenty two before I had even met my husband.”
Lily didn’t answer and they sat in silence before Grace spoke again.
“Ready to look?” Lily paused before nodding and picking up the tests. They were both positive. Lily was crying before she had even registered it and Grace instantly had her in a hug, soothing her.
Anything Grace said couldn’t help. Yes,she did have a husband that loved her and roof over her head, she had money and people to support her. That was all well and good. If she was a muggle she would have been delighted. Lily had wanted babies her entire life, she wanted a big family. More than that she wanted a family with James. No, Lily’s age wasn’t the problem like it might be for a muggle. Her problem was bigger than that.
Lily wasn’t a muggle, she was a witch and she was fighting in a war that this woman could never even dream of understanding. She was on the front line, fighting for what was right. She needed to. How could she bring a baby into that? Even if she stopped fight, people knew who she was. She had fought against Lord Voldemort himself with James at her side. How could they keep the baby safe?
They couldn’t.
Lily forced herself to stop crying, biting the inside of her cheeks.
“I’m-I’m sorry,” she said to Grace, standing up hurriedly, and grabbing her bag. “I’m being silly, I know. I should go, I’m.. I just have to go.” Lily left the bathroom and the pharmacy, leaving the extra two tests behind. Tears were still going down her face.
I don’t remember the last time I wrote a letter to you. It’s not usually needed. Even when one of us went away the other usually followed. Independence wasn’t our strong point.
Julian’s back. It’s hard to be mad at him when he’s all I have. But I’m still managing to be mad, don’t you worry. It’s weird seeing him again, hearing his voice. I was starting to get used to the memory of him rather than the reality. I missed him, Jules. It’s easy to say in a letter, I don’t have to see your teasing smirk. But I missed him and it’s just hitting me now and I am so so mad. Why did he just leave? Why did he just decide to come back? I want to slap him and hug him at the same time. He said he’ll explain it to me, I made him promise me. Something’s wrong, I haven’t figured out what it is yet but I will. I’ll owl you when I figure it out.
Augustus is gone too, something for work or whatever, I wasn’t paying attention to the details. I think it will do him some good. He has been a mess every since Josephine and the baby. He probably volunteered for some stupid and dangerous job knowing him. I miss him too. I also worry about him. His head is all over the place lately, what if he gets himself in trouble and there’s no one there to clean up his mess? How will I know if something happens to him? I think I’ll ask Antonin to keep an eye on him, he’ll probably know.
Don’t even ask about Antonin.
What else would you ask me about if you were here? Let me think.. I’ve slept with no one knew, still not engaged, went on a big shopping trip and bought loads of new shoes. I think I might take a holiday soon, I feel like my head is about to explode.
Amycus is okay. Well, he’s a mess but considering everything he’s okay. I think it’s Deimos reaction that’s hurting him the most. Deimos cries constantly, missing his sister apparently. So is Am. It’s not like the other times you broke up because he can’t even really blame himself. He’s distraught but he’s coping. I’ll help them both, I promise.
I miss you already. If you ever need anything send me an owl and I’ll be over quicker than you can say Adelaide. Give Lena my love and buy her a tiara from me. I love you both. Come and visit me if you ever need some adult company.
Love,
Addie x
P.s. Julian’s still just as irritating as always, if you were wondering.
Emmeline had once been the most eager recruit to get a mission and back in her first year of being an Auror, she would have jumped at any opportunity to get onto the field. Though after receiving word that she would be a glorified bodyguard for a politician, Emmeline was beginning to dread any kind of work. She had been told the politician’s name, Elliot Abott, and she had immediately done her research.
Abbott Against Muggles.
No More Muggleborns? Abbott Suggests Ridding Hogwarts of Muggleborn Children.
ABBOTT ON TRIAL...more on page 6.
Emmeline began to resent Elliot Abbott by simply starring at his unflinching, often smirking, face in the snapchats taken by Prophet reporters. And according to the higher up that had given her the assignment, Abbott had specifically requested her.
She left that part out when complaining about the assignment.
The morning of her first day, Emmeline woke up with a clenched stomach and clammy hands. It was with difficulty that she pulled herself out of bed and into the shower and with careful scrutiny that she picked out her outfit for the day. All black, she didn’t want to stand out any more than she was going to by following the man around all day. She pulled her hair back and smoothed out the bumps before sighing and flooing to the Ministry.
She found her way to Elliot Abbott’s office on the first basement level, and already the corridors were bustling with activity. Several frazzled, young interns nearly collided with her, spilling their coffees and summoning the contents back to the cup, the parchment airplanes flying above their heads even flew quicker here, several times they almost stuck her in the eye.
Knock, knock, kno--
Emmeline had just had enough time to wrench her first back from the door as it flung open and the large man with a neatly trimmed, yet bristly beard stood before her. His jaw had been set angrily, though when he set his eyes on the young Auror, his lips turned up lasciviously.
“Vance, isn’t it? Come on in, you’re almost late,” Abbott stood back, flinging the door open and gesturing for Emmeline to step into the office. As soon as she did, the door swung closed and there was silence in the room that made Emmeline distinctly uncomfortable.
“To start things off, I’m going to need you to wear one of these,” Abbott spoke gruffly, almost in a way that reminded Emmeline of Alastor, except the politician unsettled Emmeline in a way that Alastor had never managed. He picked something small up, turned it over in his hands and moved toward Emmeline, reaching out for her.
Instinctively, she had stepped back, raising her arms as if to defend herself, at which Abbott let out a rough laugh, not halting in his approach. Emmeline stood rigidly, watching him warily as he held up a small pin. “Abbott for Minister” it blinked and Emmeline felt a knot of revulsion in her stomach. “I require everyone working for me to wear one. Votes will pour in with my name on pretty packaging,” he smirked and before Emmeline could say another word, he lifted her thin black t-shirt and stuck the back of the pin through it. When he finished, his hand lingered at the cusp of her breast, his large palm caressing the side and making Emmeline’s stomach turn and forcing her to step back.
“What is it that we’ll be doing today, Mr. Abbott?” she asked, summoning the deadpan voice that was so common to her workdays. Yet this time, she had to fight the tremble in.
“Well that depends on what you’re up for,” he guffawed, turning back to his desk and collapsing into his chair, kicking his feet up onto the desk that was littered in memos and prophet articles.
Abbott on Trial...winked up at her from one of the pages and the Elliot Abbott from the press photo leered at her.
“I’m to make sure that you’re safe. Apparently you’ve been worried about your safety,” Emmeline told him, crossing her arms over her chest and resisting the urge to roll her eyes at the politician.
Elliott Abbott didn’t even have the grace to appear concerned, instead his smirk only grew more satisfied. “You know I handpicked you myself, don’t you, Emily?”
“Emmeline.”
“Right. I handpicked you for a reason and it’s nothing to do with my safety. Though if you see a concern, feel free to act. I would love to see that arse in motion,” Abbott spoke as if they were discussing the weather, summoning his cup of steaming tea to his hands, nonchalantly crossing one ankle over the other as he continued, “But I picked you because you’re cuter than the others in your department and I could use the amusement. And the stress relief.”
Emmeline blinked.
She waited to wake up from whatever nightmare she had stumbled into.
She blinked again.
“Well,” Abbott spoke up again, kicking his legs down off the desk and standing up, “We’ve got a press conference to get to.” He strode on past Emmeline, ducking his hand and slapping Emmeline’s arse as he walked by, “Let’s go, Emily.”
I can’t quite believe how much I’ve already written into this tiny book since I started. I was so doubtful at the start and now I’ve filled about half of all the pages. But I like it, it helps me sort out my thoughts and it’s nice to write. It calms me.
I actually started the Healer’s program now. I wasn’t quite able to believe that I got in until I actually showed up on the first day and they didn’t send me away. I never thought I would actually get in, but I’m really happy. It’s only been a few days, but it’s all very interesting and it’s a nice feeling to finally do something again. I missed this. Ever since I ended school more than a year ago I’ve been restless, but I can feel that I’m finally returning to my old self. Or well... maybe a little more mature. I’d like to think I’m no quite the as reckless as I used to be back then.
However, I still can’t stop thinking about him.. I haven’t seen or talked to him ever since the ball and even though I sent him that letter, I haven’t heard from him at all. I miss him so much and I feel foolish for that. It’s obvious he doesn’t want me in his life anymore and I should just get over it, I guess. But it’s hard. And honestly, forcing myself to stop thinking about him, to stop myself from going over to his place, to stop myself from asking everyone about him, that’s truly the worst thing I have ever done. I just want to hear his voice again. And it makes me weak.
I’ve actually been rather busy recently. I finished my application for the Healers Program at St. Mungo’s (not that I really believe I’ll get in and if I do, it’s because they need more Healers and not because they think I’d be so good for the job) and... I got a puppy! She’s the cutest thing ever. I named her Princess Buttercup Oreo Trouble (because at least this way she’s definitely unique), but I’ll be calling her Trouble. Which was actually the name Amycus suggested, whereas I thought of the rest.
Trouble is a Bernese Mountain Dog, so she’s mostly black, but has a white/brown stripe on her head. And her eyes are gorgeous, I can always see them sparkling with mischief already. She’s truly my dog. I need to start training her though, so far she’s been okay sleeping outside, so she didn’t wake up in the middle off the night and didn’t pee inside the house, but as soon as I move out, it’s unlikely I’ll have a garden like Benjy does and come winter, she can’t stay outside anyway. I guess I should go talk to someone, who knows how to train dogs.
Though apart from how truly adorable she is, there’s a reason behind this. I know I need to be able to stand on my own again, I need to pull myself together and even though it might not be the best method, I figured if I had to look after someone else, it would make it easier to look after myself as well. And to be honest, it’s working quite well. Or at least I feel like it. She makes me smile and I get out more so she can run around the park. I have to buy food for her, so I’ll be buying food for me too (as of right now, I’m still eating what Benjy’s having). I’m taking responsibility for something and it helps me keep it together. I really think this could work.
There’s not much more to mention right now. I’ve really only been busy with Trouble the past few days. She’s a joy.
Well, I knew I wasn’t going to do this on a daily basis. I’m not much of a writer after all. But at least I didn’t give it up after the first entry.
I actually tried to write something early too. But whenever I saw my last line from the first entry, I just couldn’t do it. But I guess I have to get past that at some point in order to keep on writing, so here I am anyway. I’m just refusing to look up and further than necessary.
I’ve talked to James a few days ago. It was... good, I suppose, but also a little... strange. He wanted to not give up on Sirius. Which I guess is a good thing, but I’m just... I’m really really scared. I’ve been horrible to him and I’ve written him the letter over a week ago now and he still hasn’t answered - I honestly can’t imagine he’d still want anything to do with me. And that really really hurts, but I guess I deserve it too after everything I did. Besides, as I wrote both in the letter and told James - he deserves way better than me.
Frankly, I still don’t know what I’m doing. Or where I want to go or how I want to actually come back to being somewhat normal again. Because I really don’t feel normal right now. The thoughts of what happened are always at the back of my mind, always there and the nightmares aren’t helping to get rid of it. I’m a shell and I don’t know how to get back on my feet. I don’t know how to ever get working again, or at least, working so much that it doesn’t... that it doesn’t constantly hurt. Maybe I need help. Maybe I should to one of those mind healers Lily told me about once. But from what she said they can’t help me either, because all they want to do is talk. As if that could cure anyone.
On that note, I’m applying to the Healers program. I doubt I’ll get in, but I’m applying anyone - I guess it won’t do any bad to at least try it out. There’s point in sitting around another year without really knowing what I want. Sure, in the likely case that they won’t take me, that’ll still be the guys, but at least I tried to change things. At least that one thing won’t be my fault entirely.
