#1:32pm

[lex-nulla]

guys who did i forget

[offgunlog]

you know THE ost for the king’s woman that just makes u want to cry with how beautifully peaceful yet sad it is just everything makes u want to throw yourself against a wall and ur imagining the drama and the story and it makes the song even sadder and ur just wallowing in a tub with ur own tears …. yeah same

[zyin]

😞 I hope you guys all get to the point where your mind isn't what causes your primary source of discomfort. There will be a lot of trials and tribulations in the world, you shouldn't be one of them for yourself.

[runninginrivers]

i wait for around 3pm, but also

[ajyal-azez]

لم نعد نعلم إذ كانت الحياة قد بدأت، أم إنها قد انتهت من بين يديّنا ولم تعد لنا من جديد.

[ajyal-azez]

-كانت رقصة هادئة، وكان الإصغاء لموجة الجسد أحد أسبابها.

[ajyal-azez]

تعال إليّ..

فظهيرتي اصبحت طويلة، وصبري قد نفذ،

فتلمس للحياة عذراً وجاورني، جوار الحبيب كشيء ثابت لا يندثر.

[diaries-of-a-hopeless-soul]

Entry #78: January 10th, 2020 (1:32pm)

Today has been a stressful and anxiety ridden day. It started out well though. I wasn't planning on going to my 8am class, but the way Daniela talked about it helped push me to do so. I don't regret going at all, the teacher is fantastic and the class seems really engaging. I'm looking forward to it for the semester. However, after that I had one more class. I got there early because of my 8am class so I got a good seat. Because of last night's events, I was still feeling exhausted so I didn't really notice anyone. However, once things started and the professor started asking questions, out pops a voice from behind me and it sends literal shivers up my spine. I take a peek and quickly turn around again. It's Ryan. Not only that, but Anthony too. Then I hear that Raj is supposed to be there as well. At this point in shaking furiously, I'm tapping my foot so fast, I'm feeling lightheaded, and I've got continuous goosebumps going down my arms. I don't make eye contact or any sort of interaction with them at all. However I feel this immense fear in my chest. My breathing got shallow and I'm struggling to focus. Luckily I was able to talk to Ethan which kept me together for the duration of the class. I know Raj will talk to me next week if he shows up, so I'm going to have to tell them. My first instinct was to leave and drop the class immediately. However, I won't let Ryan diminish the pain he inflicted on me. The fear and anger he put in my heart. I won't let him take away anymore than he already has. I'm going to keep going to class, and if they talk to me, I'll tell them straight. I miss them all very much, but because Ryan hurt me on more than one occasion, I had to cut ties. I'll let them know that, because there is a small chance that they could have talked to Ryan about what I was feeling, I couldn't associate with them anymore cause I just wanted him out of my life. I sound like I'm prepared to give this big speech, but I know that when it happens I'm going to be terrified. Terrified that I hurt Anthony and Raj in the process. Terrified that they'll hate me. But I do have to go through with it. There isn't anything to resolve, Ryan hurt me and I want him gone. That's it. After class, they still didn't talk to me, but I rushed to the car. I got inside and I took a breath and then screamed. Screamed as loud as I could. I hate that he's put me in this situation. I hate him. On the way home there was a stretch of empty road and I was able to go at least 160km/h. I like to go fast. My parents think it's cause of the thrill or cause I'm a speed demon, but I do it because it's the closest I can get to the sweet release of death. At any moment during that high speed, I could cut hard to the left and just crash and die. But then I remember. I always remember, that there's a small chance that I could hurt, or worse kill, someone else in the process. So I slow down and keep driving like normal. Right now, now that I'm home, I just want to lock myself in my room and cry under my blanket. I'm so scared and terrified for next Friday. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't.