#2.9.2013

[ichwaergernmehrsowiedu]

daliy 2.9.2013

''bin nur noch 28 tage hier'' - d.b. Ich konnte es nicht glauben. du bist bald weg und damit verschwinden auch diese ganzen gefühle die ich durch dich hatte. all diese enttäuschungen,all diese sehnsüchte,alle gehen mit dir. Es ist so,als würde dieser tiefe winter,endlich vorbei geht und die sonne wieder scheint. du hast mein leben komplett aufn kopf gestellt und für ne kurze zeit,dacht ich,das ich mich verlieben würde.so richtig,mit herzschmerz und heulen und alles.Du hast meine launen bestimmt,ich wurde immer mehr süchtiger nach dir,hab gehofft,du meldest dich,wenn du frei hattest,hab diese endlosen whatsappgespräche geliebt und über deine dummheit gelacht. Du warst quasi mein Mittelpunkt in meinem Leben. Ich wollte alles von dir,hab dir alles gegeben und wurde dennoch enttäuscht von dir. Schließlich hab ich gelernt,das alle Typen nur eins wollen. Das sie heutzutage nur noch auf's ficken aus sind. Tja wir werden uns wieder sehen,b.

[lonewolfevans]

[private] journal

"I definitely learned a lesson this time. I know that I can be broken. I am not as tough as I thought. I see it now. At this point, it’s the only thing good that came out of all of this. I know myself better now and know what I have to do" --Henry Rollins.

Meeting this morning. I dunno. I guess it was a better option than sitting in the house. 

It was okay. I had hot chocolate. Didn't drink a bit of it, but it gave my hands something to do. I wish I smoked. Most of the people there smoke. Or eat. Trade one vice for another. But never been one for cigarettes. Haven't had one in...two years, maybe? And I think I'm too vain to eat so much and not exercise. 

Am I selfish? 

Are they right?

I guess I am. Couldn't talk about this at the meeting. People wouldn't understand, y'know? I just mentioned my parents weren't too pleased with me.

I hurt them. Badly. They're angry, and they're hurt and I don't know if that's changing for awhile. Maybe I do need to grow up. And maybe it's not as black and white as Red says. But it still feels like I chose my girl over my parents. That I didn't think about them. That what I did was stupid and selfish and maybe I thought I was thinking about them, but really, I was only factoring in how I felt. 

Going to the meeting this morning did help. I'm trying. Trying to be better. But this...I wish I hadn't called yesterday. 'Cause today, it feels like I'm really alone. Like I finally lost this part of me that kept me grounded. Something I thought I could always count on. 

I have Red. My heart. I love her so much. Don't know what I'd do without her, honestly. 

I just wish it didn't feel like I don't have them anymore. 

I wish it didn't hurt.