The Dating Life of a 20-Something.
Let me start by reiterating why exactly my blog is called "Quarter-life Crisis." I'm 24, working my first "real" job post-graduate school, continuing to pay off loans, nannying to make extra income, and generally pretending to be a grown-up when I still ultimately feel like I know little to nothing about life and the real world. I'm guessing some of you can relate, because I didn't come up with the term "quarter-life crisis" on my own (seriously y'all, I'm not that creative). I've seen it floating around other blogs, newspapers, etc. and apparently it's a pretty common state for American 20-somethings to be in.
But, what about those 20-somethings who actually seem to have it all together? You know who I'm talking about. Some people my age have steady jobs, are married, own homes, have children, etc. Let me tell you, I'm impressed.
I've seen a lot of what could be termed "engagement shaming" on Facebook lately. 'Tis the season, right? The holidays are warm and fuzzy and love is in the air--naturally, 18 of my Facebook friends got engaged in the past few weeks (I'm not even sure I'm exaggerating there...).
^And yeah, meme's like that are bitter and unnecessary.
This is probably my favorite article floating around--"23 Things To Do Instead of Getting Engaged Before You're 23." <--I like this girl. I think she makes solid points and her list of things to do is spot on. That is not to say that I am not genuinely happy for my friends who are getting engaged and married. That is not to say that I think there's anything wrong with getting married in your 20s. Of course there's nothing wrong with it! A friend of mine had one of the most beautiful weddings I've ever attended and her relationship remains to be a wonderful example of how marriages should work. I would never in a million years put someone down for marrying "young." No matter what age, when you've found the one, you've found the one, and that's amazing.
That said, I am tired of questions like these: "Soo are you dating anyone?" "Soo who's the lucky guy?" "Is there a ring on your finger yet?" Um, no. I'm single, thank you very much. Clearly there is no ring on my finger. You can see that by simply glancing at my left hand.
(^hilarious. Read more here.)
For some reason, once you hit your 20s, people really start pushing the need to find "the one," and that makes a lot of the single crowd feel "less than" for not being in a relationship. I think that people mean well when they ask those^ questions. Typically, it's people who truly care about you, think a lot of you, and expect that some lucky person is going to be dating you. Maybe they're really saying, "You're so great you must have a significant other!" Except too often we hear it as, "What's wrong with you? Why you can't find someone? Why does no one want you?" Why should we feel like we're being put down for being single? We put so much pressure on ourselves these days to find the perfect person that simple, well-meant questions feel abrasive and hurtful. Why is that??
I've heard people suggest bringing back the "old-fashioned" dating route--dating multiple people at once and seeing if you click with any of them. You know, going on actual dates. Picking up/getting picked up, going to dinner and a movie, then being walked to your front door at the end of the night. YES! Please. Bring that back. I'll admit that I'm as much of a hopeless romantic as the next person. I'm a 24-year-old female so duh, I've obviously watched "The Notebook" 192840 times. Movies create these perfect romantic worlds that girls (and probably guys, too--they'd just never admit it) sit around and dream about, but then what happens? Rather than "dating" by the original meaning of the word, we go out to bars, knock back a few long islands, and expect to meet Mr./Mrs. Right. We "hook up" with someone the first time we meet them and expect them to call us the next day. We have extensive texting conversations instead of talking on the phone or, God forbid, face to face. We "hang out" instead of "date."
HOLY ABRAHAM LINCOLN MAKE IT STOP.
If you ask me, this whole "new and improved" dating system is why I continually see people getting hurt. Genuinely good, kind-hearted people who deserve so much more. It's not easy to get to know someone in a crowded club. It's not fair to judge someone on their looks. It's completely stupid to try and gauge emotions via text message. The whole system just sucks. So here's my advice, and take it for what it's worth (after all, I'm a single 20-something in the midst of a quarter-life crisis with a lot of opinions and very little life experience...and this is probably advice for me as much as any of you):
If you're engaged or married, then congratulations! Married friends--you know I love you and could not be more happy for you. If you are my age--or older, or younger--and lamenting the single life, STOP! Stop right now. I think Vanessa's (of "23 Things") main point was that if you're not engaged by 23 (or 25 in my case), don't cry about it. Embrace it: travel, take up your entire queen bed by yourself, focus on you. Do whatever it takes to find yourself. Just because some people are married and you're not does not mean that anything is wrong with you; it's just not your time yet. Wait for someone who actually wants to date you and get to know you; someone who's going to accept you at your best as well as your worst; someone who's going to love the flaws and imperfections that make you so self-conscious otherwise. Quit settling for the people who don't treat you well; people who give very little but expect a lot; people who make you feel like less than you are. You deserve so much more. And last but definitely not least, take it from Sex & the City:
