#2015 words

[littlegoldenobjects]

i love my ife

[littlegoldenobjects]

Sunday Evening 11/15/2015

I knew it was better never to have loved at all and sitting on Hannah’s floor listening to sad music and watching her cry over past loves only solidifies it. 

[littlegoldenobjects]

He reminds me so much of another, but he has to be different, right? I spent two years forming opinions based on my experiences with one boy, and I'm "ABOUT TO FALL INTO THE EXACT SAME TRAP!!!" I can hear myself screaming from the sidelines. 11 weeks ago, I'd smack myself. But he has to be different. He talks about her like she was the best and the worst thing that ever happened to him. He can be tied down, something that the other boy was incapable of. Despite not wanting to be tied down, I want to tie him down. I'm a piece of trash! I've turned into him.

[littlegoldenobjects]

that aesthetic wanted to fuck me 

[littlegoldenobjects]

I definitely had a panic attack last night in front of my friend and I have never ever been that vulnerable and I feel so guilty for having shown any type of emotional weakness. No tears fell and I told him not to touch me but I should never have curled up into a ball. 

[littlegoldenobjects]

I can make my own decisions

[littlegoldenobjects]

So I went out with my friends who I trusted and I looked so hot but that's besides the point but maybe it isn't And like along the way my roommate Rachel found these two guys that she met last weekend and they're friends of her friend so I was like whatever they can come And they did and at the end of the night they wanted to leave and smoke and they wanted me to come (and I wanted to smoke) so we made sure everyone got home (we actually lost two people but they were high school friends and they were together) And then we went to north halls to smoke (we had walked from meridian to north) And Rachel and jimmy and I smoked and jimmy asked what I thought about drew and I said I wouldn't fuck him and then I realized that there were 2 boys and 2 girls and I realized they were trying to hookup with us And we went back inside the dorms but when we got to the front door there was a group of people on the front porch and Drew said I should hang out with him and them and Rachel went inside with jimmy So I texted Rachel to make sure that was what she wanted and she said to come inside and I made drew let me into the dorm and he was giving me weird looks the whole time like I was doing something wrong And I jnterrupted Rachel and jimmy because Rachel told me to come inside And I told Rachel I wanted to go home and I asked if she wanted to stay and she thought and she said she didn't want to spend the night but she wanted 15 minutes I didn't trust drew so I called my friend Kyle and told him to come pick us up and I told Rachel that when Kyle got here we would come get her no matter what And drew got mad and left me in the lobby alone and he slammed the door I think But I was safe and Rachel had made a decision So then drew and his friend Omar came and invited me back outside to smoke cigarettes and I asked for a charger and I waited outside for Kyle to come And Kyle came and ahhh I don't remember it's all a blur my head hurts but I know people were mad at me for wanting to leave and I remember drew being like "apparently I'm not a good guy" and I kept telling him it wasn't about him but men don't understand And we went and got Rachel and we have her five more minutes and then we walked home with Kyle But the boys were really mad at Kyle for taking us away (they texted Rachel and said they'd follow him home and fuck him up tomorrow)

[littlegoldenobjects]

Week 10

Last night was so fucked up and I wanna be artsy about it but I’m embarrassed also I don’t know where my mind is right now but it’s not in the right place.

I woke up feeling guilty. I remember being watched and being looked at and the looks being looks of anger and confusion. I remember being told “I know this seems sketchy but you can trust me,” and I remember Omar being told, “Apparently I’m not to be trusted,” or something along the lines of a guilt trip. And I told him it wasn’t about him. And it isn’t.

Kyle picked us up because I asked him to. I got us out of there. I was in control. It is not Kyle’s fault that my roommate and I got home safe.

The situation has taught me that I am not a human and I am not independent. An intoxicated girl, to a horny boy, is an object of pleasure. She is capable of being stolen, taken, dragged, pushed, and walked. But she can not do these things on her own.

Busses, planes, trains, cars, do not take people away. Humans get on them and leave. We left.

We were not taken. We were not stolen. We left.