#20th entry

[californiakingme]

idek how to take pictures of myself tbh 🤦🏾

[otacultjournal]

Epiphany

/əˈpifənē/

noun

a moment of sudden revelation or insight.

From: Adam Raditiya ([email protected])

To: Mutiara Anita ([email protected])

Subject: Long time no see

Hi, Muti. This is Adam. I hope you didn’t forget me yet :)

I know this is so unexpected, but do you have time this Saturday on April 29th? Could we meet at Florescence Cafe on 5PM? I’ll be waiting there. Thank you.

Best regards,

Adam.

Finally, Saturday had come.

I found myself sitting at table No.5 inside Florescence Cafe (I took this seat since it’s near the window) and waited for Adam to come. We had appointment at five, but I accidentally arrived almost an hour earlier since there’d been no traffic jam on the way here from home. Usually, during weekend, every corner in the city would be packed with various kinds of vehicles that I’d even calculated that I would need approximately one and half an hour to reach here from home.

But turned out, I only needed about 45 minutes. Wow, amazing.

Five minutes later, I just finished ordering Iced Cafe Latte and a slice of tiramisu cake to a waiter when I hared the bells on the front door jingled—there’s someone coming. Intrigued, I turned my head towards the door behind me and I found a familiar figure came in: Adam. He gave a small friendly small to the waitress before his eyes also found mine and waved his hand.

Thump... thump... thump... I could hear my heart was beating fast.

His appearance had changed, even though it didn’t change his main features—his hairstyle and the way he dressed himself had changed, they’re different to the last time I’d seen him in person. His soft and warm expression that was noticeably contrast to his strong and sharp jaw remained the same. Even since he’d gotten a lot matured, those contradictory features making him became more attractive.

“Hi, Muti,” he greeted in a cheerful friendly tone, as he took a seat in front of me. “I thought I’ve come early, but turned out you’re already here? I even thought that you wouldn’t come.”

His light and boyish voice was still the same to the one that I remembered.

“Hi, Adam,” I whispered. “There’s strangely no traffic jam, that’s why I arrived early here.”

He smiled to hear my answer, as if he was glad that I’d actually spared my time to meet him. And yes, his smile was exactly the same to the one that I remembered.

“Thank you, Muti. I really appreciate this.”

“Uhm... you’re welcome?”

Thump... thump... thump...

After years had passed, I thought I’d feel nothing when the time for me to meet him in person came like this. But I was wrong.

The lingering feeling apparently was still there, lying inside myself. It’d been sleeping in silence for years, but now it started to stir from its long deep sleep and made me giddy. This wasn’t a good sign for me at all. I shouldn’t feel this way anymore to him.

Ugh, what happen to me?! I mentally slapped myself, trying hard to maintain my calm and composed self in front of him.

It seemed my face looked complicated—since I felt awkward, sad, giddy, and awe at the same time—at the moment, making him let out a soft small chuckle. And I even spotted faint blush on his cheeks.

“Goodness, you didn’t change at all. You may not say anything, but the expression on your face still speaks louder than your words,” he laughed, shaking his head in wonderment. “I’m somehow feeling glad that I’m still familiar with you even after years had passed. Your appearance may change a lot, but it seem you’re still the Muti that I used to know.”

The last time we’d met face to face was when we’d been still twenty years old, making it almost seven years ago since this year we both would be twenty-seven years old. Of course, from appearance speaking, we both had changed quite a lot.

The last time he’d seen me, I’d still had my long hair and my face was bare and free from make up. Now, I’d been keeping my hair short and I used make up like other women around my age did.

“Uhm... yeah, I’ve changed my look a lot of times in the past years, so... yeah,” I awkwardly responded to his comment. And I really needed to hold my own hand from inelegantly scratching my head.

Again, Adam smiled. And there, that forbidden fuzzy feeling started to resurface again, making me felt nervous all of a sudden. Thankfully, a waitress came to our table to deliver my order before I could embarrass myself even further. When I hurriedly sipped my Iced Cafe Latte to calm myself down, that waitress was asking for Adam’s orders.

From the way they’re interacting to each other, it seemed Adam was a regular and already familiar with the workers here. He was laughing to hear that waitress’ (I thought it’s not funny at all and kind of lame) jokes and without looking at the menu book as well, Adam ordered Iced Americano and chicken sandwich.

I didn’t know whether it’s me who was being too painfully sensitive at the moment or not, but I sensed this waitress was intently looking at me, as if she was scrutinizing me from head to toe and made herself sure of something. She also looked like she was itched to ask Adam something, but in the end she held herself up for doing so.

“Anyway,” Adam finally started a conversation after the waitress left our table with that curious look on her face, “how’s life, Mut?”

“Mine has been fine,” I answered—typical boring diplomatic answer. “And how did you find my e-mail address?” my personal e-mail address, I added inwardly. People mostly knew my business e-mail address from the company where I was working, not my personal one. Only closest one knew my personal e-mail.

“I got it from Rian,” Adam said, studying my expression, as if he was worried that he might cross the borderline. “Don’t be mad at him please, I was the one who kept bugging him to give me your contact. I actually asked for your phone number but he didn’t let me and gave me your personal e-mail instead. He even gave me a good luck since he knows that you rarely opened your personal e-mail.”

There, I was right. And I wasn’t mad. I was surprised when he’d unexpectedly sent me an e-mail.

“I’m not mad,” I casually waved my hand to him, trying to convince him that I wasn’t mad at both him and Rian. “Really, I mean it.”

Adam let out a shaky breath that he’d been holding for seconds. His expression genuinely looked relieved that I wasn’t mad at him for that. “Thank you, Mut. I’m relieved and later I can tell Rian about this. He keeps telling me that you might kill him in his sleep if you found out he gave me your e-mail address.”

I couldn’t help but to laugh hard. Rian was my—no, both my and Adam’s—best friend. When Adam and I lost contact for years, Rian had been standing between us without making us connected to each other. Listening to Adam’s testimony, I could picture the things that Rian had done and said, really.

“No wonder Rian has been extra nice to me lately. Now I realize that he’s committed a great sin behind my back,” I faked a huff, pretending to look mad by crossing my arms in annoyance. “He definitely should pay for this, for selling my personal e-mail address.”

“Mut, please cut him some slacks,” Adam begged, seemed taking my lame acting too seriously. “I’d actually been bugging him for years but he never listened to me. Last month was finally the time when he listened and gave me your e-mail address.”

Rian never told me that Adam actually had been looking for me—for years even. Even though it’d been hurt for all of us, but Rian still respected my decision to not get associated with Adam in any way in the past years. I honestly started to wonder why Rian finally had surrendered; he must ave his own reason for this.

I’ll ask him later, after this, I said to myself.

“To be honest, it’s still mind-boggling for me that I could see you in person like this again, Mut,” Adam admitted, genuinely sounded amazed. “How many years we haven’t met each other? Five? Six?”

Before I could answer, that waitress came and interrupted my words, with Adam’s orders on the tray that she was bringing. She was all smiling to Adam, but it seemed she couldn’t that friendly to me. I didn’t know why she was being like that to me when I was also a customer here?

Is she having a crush on Adam or something? Geez.

“Where were we?” Adam questioned when the waitress left.

“Seven years, Adam. It’s been seven years,” I answered in matter-of-fact tone. “The last time we met and talked was already seven years ago.”

And it was when we broke up, I couldn’t bring myself to say that to him right on the face.

As our hands impulsively looked for our respective drink at the same time, we’re now fully aware that the atmosphere around us had turned tensed and somehow... gloomy. We both sipped our drink in silence, trying to gulp down our nervousness. I learned that maybe he was being so cheerful and me was being so calm were only facades.

Break up was never easy—at least ours.

And as for myself, after blurting that dark ‘broke up’ word, I felt like there was an invisible hand dragged me to the past memories of my life that I thought I had erased from my life for good—but turned out I just simply hid them all in the a corner of my heart so I wouldn’t find it.

I just couldn’t lie to myself that I hadn’t completely erased him from my life, no matter how hard I’d been trying in the past years.

Adam was my boyfriend since we’d been sophomore in senior high school. Since now we’re both freshmen in university, so this year we’re going to mark our third anniversary.

I’d first known Adam from Rian, my classmates who happened to be Adam’s best friend since junior high school. At that time, Riand and I had gone to the cafeteria during break and we’d met Adam who’d been having his late breakfast with his classmates. Rian had introduced the two of us and later on, I’d found myself clicked with Adam as well. The three of us often hung out together.

Adam was one of the sweetest guy I’d even known in my life—it’s not sweet in cringey sugary way, but in a warm way that could make your heart unconsciously fluttered. Different to his best friend—Rian—who was a complete chatterbox who didn’t know when to stop talking, Adam was rather calm and... comforting. Unlike Rian, Adam knew when he had to talk and when he needed to listen.

Besides that, even though he was born smart, but Adam was a diligent student —he always helped both me and Rian studying. He looked so endearing when he was teaching us, and maybe that’d been the time where I’d finally developed a crush on him. Adam was quite popular among girls since he was friendly and good-looking, so I didn’t really expect so much from him. And not to mention, we’re already close as friends to begin with.

But who knows it would be Adam who’d confessed his feelings for me first when we’d been in sophomore?

He’d admitted that he already liked me from the first time we’d met in the cafeteria and that’s why he’d kept bugging Rian in secret to include him whenever Rian and I hung out. He’d said he was s comfortable whenever I was around him. And since we’d begun as friends, he hadn’t expected me to like him back or something, but he’d been finally triggered after Rian had said that there’s someone in my new classroom who liked me.

And which was a lie, since that’s only Rian’s little dirty trick to make his best friend confessed his feelings for me.

We’d been doing good for years until the day of our toughest storm was coming and stopped by—my father passed away and three days later, Adam got his letter of acceptance for the student exchange program he’d applied six months ago (that he’d finally told me a week after my father’s death). My father had gone forever, and then I needed to accept the truth that my boyfriend would go to England for a year in three months.

Things just happened at the same time that fast.

I became so irrational and inconsiderate when Adam told me about his letter of acceptance and his plan to study abroad. I was never angry to him in the years we’d been in a relationship (and so was he), and this was our very first time to get extremely angry to each other. That’s the first time Adam raised his voice to me, yelling out his frustration since I couldn’t accept the fact that he would be away for a year, before he finally left my house.

I was in a deep grief and dejection that I finally cut Adam off from my life. He was trying to reach me in many ways but I was too mad and Rian couldn’t do anything either to mend my stubbornness. Maybe Adam finally gave up and in the end he flied to England leaving me here in Indonesia. After that, I never heard a thing from him and I considered ourselves had broken up.

It’d been tormenting years for me, really. But I always tried to make myself busy throughout years—I made new friends, joined charities, got a proper job, etc etc. I got myself a boyfriend as well before I graduated from university but we’re not match and broke up. Maybe I was in denial, but no matter how hard I was trying, I just couldn’t find myself a man like Adam.

Adam.... he was just that exceptional. Even after years.

“Oh my God, this is so awkward,” I blurted, feeling unnecessary sweaty all of a sudden when I got back to the reality from a glimpse of our past.

Adam stroke the back of his neck—his habit when he was nervous—and laughed awkwardly. “Yes, it’s actually awkward for me too, Muti. But I think my contentment  to see you after all these years was more overwhelming than the fact that we used to date and broke up badly in the past.”

He sounded so sincere, that he meant every word he spoke to me.

I gulped down my own nervousness and said, ‘yes, it’s so surprising that we can meet like this again after...” I couldn’t find the right way to express the lump inside myself, “... I’m sorry,” in the end I choked and I almost burst into tears. “I’m sorry.”

I was aware that many feelings whirled in my heart right now, but guilt was the greatest one that I’d blurted my apology to him. It took me years to admit that I’d been the wrong one that we’d broken up. Adam had been a good boyfriend for me, but in the end I’d just thrown him away from my life just like that. Even after years, it’s still him who came to find me.

I couldn’t put my guilt into proper words anymore.

Adam looked like almost jumped to comfort me or something, but I really appreciated that he stayed on his seat and didn’t do anything—or else, things became far more awkward for both of us.

“Adam, I’m sorry,” I sniffled. “I’m... I’m sorry for everything I did to you.”

Adam shook his head, gave me an understanding smile. “Hey, why are you sorry for me? You just snatched my real intention to meet you today.”

“Huh?”

“It’s been years since we broke up—seven years, as you said,” Adam stated calmly. “At that time we’re both still too young and clueless to grasp and handle things wisely. It wasn’t okay of course, but I hope we both had learned how to heal ourselves and become a bigger person in order to move on from the painful heartbreak. 

“I would be lying if I said that you’re never in my mind in these past years, even though we’d broken up. I was trying to look for you, but as I had said before, Rian didn’t let me doing that. He said it would be the best for both of us. Okay, I accepted that. 

“I really want to move on with my life, Muti. But whenever I tried, you kept popping in my mind. Your cries and shout kept resonating in my mind. I’ve been trying to ignore them, but they kept barging in. Then I realized, maybe it happened because I haven’t properly apologized to you. So, after discussing this matter with Rian, he gave me your e-mail address, hoping that we could talk about this.

“So.... please forgive me?” Adam said, stared at me. “For all the wrongs I’ve done to you in the past.”

Adam would always win when it came to be a selfless and bigger person. 

At that time, he’d been the one who was looking for me before he’d gone, even though I’d kept pushing him away.

And even after all these years, he was still the one who was looking for me.

Oh my God, what did I do? Why was I that stupid?

I wanted to say something, but Adam’s phone rang. I let him answering her phone, since I sensed mine was vibrated as well—there’s a text coming.

“Yes? What’s up?” I heard him speaking to someone on the other line while I was checking on my phone: there was a text from Rian.

From: Rian

Have u met Adam?

I quickly typed a reply for him.

To: Rian

Yes, I’m now. Why?

And then, there’s another text coming from Rian.

From: Rian

Does he tell you yet?

Huh?

To: Rian

Tell me what?

I was about to read Rian’s latest reply when I heard the bell on the front door jingles again. That particular waitress came again to our table with a woman following behind her, talking with someone on the phone. That waitress looked at me in victorious manner, meanwhile I was completely confused why she treated me this way?!

“—sure, you can come—Rissa?!” Adam was surprised when he found this woman next to him, while that woman laughed seeing his surprised expression. “You’re here?!”

“I told you that I am nearby!” she giggled and put her phone back into her bag. “So......” she turned her head towards me, who was staring at three of them (yes, includes the lovely waitress, sure) awkwardly. “.... are you Muti?”

Although this unknown woman was friendly, but I still felt uneasy. “Yes, I am. And are you...?”

She offered her hand to me and said, “I am Rissa, his fiancee.”

Although my mind went blank in instant and my jaw was hanging inelegantly, my supersonic ears still could catch that annoying waitress’s voice saying, “Busted.” under her breath.

And that word finally got me. 

“What do you mean with busted?!” I barked to her, extremely annoyed. “I am fully aware that this man—” I pointed Adam, “—is a regular here and you know her well. And I am fully aware too that you’re less friendly with me when I’m also a customer here. Why? Don’t say that you thought I was seducing this man or something when you know he already has a fiance?! Huh?!”

“Uhm... it’s not?” she croaked in... maybe confusion? Shame?

"Where’s your manager?” I growled. “Where’s your manager?!”

I remembered both Adam and Rissa tried to calm me down and stopped me from looking for the manager.

But I didn’t exactly remember why in the end the four of us sitting here, still at Florescence Cafe—Adam and Rissa in front of me, and (why he’s here?!) Rian next to me. The tension still surrounded us and yes, it’s still because of that annoying waitress who managed to ‘run away’ from me, thanks to Adam and Rissa who’d saved her sorry ass.

Not because I found out that Adam already had a fiancee and was going to get married in three months.

Boo. I lied. Of course I was slightly irked that this man was going to get married. So this is what he’d meant with he wanted to move on?

And in front of me, there was an invitation card lying on the table: their wedding invitation, for me.

Really, I didn’t know what to feel and say at the moment.

Could you tell me?

Inspired by JH (2017)

PS. Sorry for grammatical errors.

PSS. Please, do not piracy! The story plot and characters were mine.