#24.4.19

[degistirmekgerekir]

İlk iş gününden 1 kare,sanırım insanlar mühendis olduğuma inanmamakta haklılar :d

[devonjwerkheiser]

devonwerkharder “music is the medicine, do you hear it? ••• shot by @kellybalch with them funky longo brothers in the back.”

[godsnameisjoy]

All for One

Date : 24 April 2019

Duration : 26 minutes at bedtime.

Depth :

The wave of the wave like motion during last night’s meditation was different from all other times. It wasn’t an awakening. It didn’t feel like a mental jerk out of the endless subconscious. Last night’s movement felt like a surprise. The wave wasn’t exactly moving from the bottom to the top of my body. In fact, it felt like something that was restricted to the lower half.

There were several tiny waves last night, like a vibration and in one go. All earlier involuntary movements have had a singular large wave like feeling running up the body. The involuntary nature of all these waves can give a sense of uncertainty. You aren’t sure about what’s going on because you don’t really have a preceding experience that you can compare it with. I definitely haven’t experienced these movements before. And I have been meditating for nearly two decades now.

Initially, I only struggled to make meditation a habit. ‘Spent years doing just that. In the last few years, the habit is paying dividends. Now the promise of Peace seems within reach. Now, I am not surprised with new experiences within a session. In fact, I woke this morning asking myself ‘but what about God ?’ All this is fine but what about my love for God ?

New experiences, as milestones to God, are welcome. What about God ? I hardly think about Him during the day. And this regression showed up during the meditation session at night. The Hong-Sau breath chant that I practice is given as a technique by Paramhansa Yogananda in his lessons. He has provided the meaning as well. Loosely translated, the meaning is close to ‘I and the father are one’.

That’s an emotionally loaded statement. Firstly, to refer to God as Father. Secondly, to say that the two are one, is to shrink the difference that lies between a father and his child ! To not think about God is to not develop emotionally charged differences that can perhaps be best erased during meditation. That distance towards the good word ‘God’, showed up during last night’s session. And I don’t like it. The word ‘God’ can’t feel so ‘far away’. Got to bring it home.

[imkeepingtrack]

Recap: 24.4.19

Today was pretty sucky.

I got woken up at 10, but I went back to sleep. At 11:15 one of the staff came and asked if I wanted to go to the shop and get ingredients so I could cook something for lunch. I said I don't know. She came back at 12 and asked the same question. She got the same answer. Then she just kept lowering what she was asking me to do. She asked if I wanted to go to a specific shop that has a salad bar that I love. (I don't know.) Did I want to just go for a drive? (I don't know.) Should she leave me alone? (I don't know.) At which point she left. Whatever. They can't expect me to say yes to a cooking session with basically no notice.

I didn't leave my room until a bit after 5:15. Went for the same walk. It was good. There were people at the church, I think for some kind of meeting, and they asked if I was lost.

I haven't eaten anything today. I've had 2 bottles of squash, which totals about 10 kcal, probably less because I make my squash weaker than the bottle says. I'm so fucking done with everything.

When I got back from my walk the house manager said my tutor who's not F suggested meeting up tomorrow after I see P. So I said I'm not seeing P, and she said he could come here instead. Idek if I'll be out of bed. The house manager asks too many questions and I don't like her.

The member of staff who was trying to get me to do stuff came to my room again later on, and said "something happened yesterday, didn't it?" Nope. I don't know why she thought that. She also came by a few minutes ago wanting to come up. I said no (because my legs were bleeding quite a lot and I was about to get in the shower to clean them), and she said she'd come see me in the morning, and that she wants to have a chat. No thank you very much, that sounds terrifying.

I spoke to the same member of staff (now to be known as S) as yesterday. She asks questions I want to answer, and says funny things. We didn't talk about anything really, but we did talk and I shouldn't have done because I'm not meant to be talking to staff.

I told S I've quit the choir. She asked why and I said it was too far to go every week, and too stressful. A bit later she asked if it was just that it was too stressful for me, or if I thought it was too much for staff. I said both and she said I shouldn't consider the second one because it's not an issue. a) it feels like it is, b) too late.

S took me to a shop to get food tonight because I hadn't eaten. We left with no food, despite me saying I wouldn't eat tonight if we didn't get something. Then I self harmed when I got back.

The night staff just came (while I was writing this) and asked if I had eaten (no), and if I wanted to eat (also no). That's a new one, they normally either don't knock, or just say they're here.

Food:

2 bottles of squash (10) - 1pm and 4:30pm

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

I didn't really use the Internet I had to use Tumblr oops, but it's all about to be gone now. See you guys soon!

Also today was my last day of school, I'm done forever at last. Woohoo!