This is me. Lying on a couch. Down and out. Well maybe not out but definitely not in and very much down. If life were a game, Iām currently AFK. Discouraged. Disheartened. An argument could be made for ābrokenā. Certainly more than Hercules level of despairĀ
It's difficult to describe. I'm unsure if my problems qualify as legitimate (as opposed to un-legit)Ā Unsure if I'm just perceiving them to be bigger or worse than they actually are? I really don't want to complain. We all know that person who isā¦ āA little ray of sunshineā shall we say. Nothing is EVER good enough. They hate puppies and rainbows. They could be be unhappy at Disneyland. No one likes being around those people. Theyāre probably also communists.
*Side note, was there a scientific study published in a reputable peer reviewed journal with statistically significant data showing a clear correlation that led the researchers to fail to reject the null hypothesis, or whatever, and ultimately declare Mouse land āThe Happiest Place on Earthā?... If not, Disney is MIGHTY sure of themselves. The HAPPIEST? Of ALL other places? I mean, have they even heard of the Great British Baking Show? Do you even bake, bruh? Don't get me wrong, Disneyland is up there but if I had to pick between the two, I'm more than fairly sure I'd have to go with the tasting tent in the middle of an English countryside, eating Puff pastries listening to Paul's thick liverpudlian accent. Okay less his accent, it's more of an excuse to say liverpudlian. Try it. It's fun. I think that gives the Peter pan ride a run for its money at least.
But I digress, back to me ;)
I was saying I donāt wish to be the aforementioned type of person so I try not to complain (some of yāall who know me personally are stifling scoffs Iām sure) and I realize there are many, MANY people who have it MUCH worse than me. I am also BEYOND grateful for the good things I do have in my life.Ā
ā¦ at the same time, the stuff Iām dealing with really doesĀ seemĀ like a bit to me.
I have an injured tailbone thatās been a source of constant pain for about 3 years now. I used to be able to sit in a certain position or on a specific chair without it hurting but now itās pretty much 24/7. Yet x-rays, MRIs, trigger point and nerve blocking injections and several different meds have not helped at all.
Iām in my 30s now which apparently means your ribs pop out of place while you sleep. I get them cracked back into place at the Chiropractor and they're out again the next morning. Basically it hurts to breathe and I can feel my back muscles scraping over my ribs.
My house is ALSO falling apart and I canāt afford to fix it. My backyard is a dirt pile and I feel SUPER awesome that my kids donāt have grass to run around in. Our plumbing, electrical, and roof all need to be replaced because the house was built before electricity was a thing. Well... 1950. Which is basically the same. And every time I look around at everything thatās broken I feel worse because Iām reminded that I donāt have the means to fix it. Why donāt I have the the funds? Welp...
Iāve been laid off 3 times in the last 4 years and since graduating college 6 years ago have yet to be at one job longer than a year. I pretty much live in fear that every day I go into work will be my last and live in constant stress of how Iām going to provide for my family. It wouldnāt be so bad if I had a marketable skill but I majored in German Literature (long story for another day) and sadly not too many people are looking to hire me to read books to them in German and write sub-par research papers about the motivations of the protagonists...
Why donāt you just learn a new skill, you might ask? Thatās a great question. Iāll tell you. In SONG form
No? Monty Python? Anyone? Bueller? NM...
I havenāt had a good nightās sleep for about 2 years (which remarkably coincides with how old our youngest child is) and am effectively a zombie now living off cold pizza & diet mtn dew. Thatās what zombies eat, right? Low energy, difficult to focus, seconds away from weeping most days. Which means I have had a beast of a time trying to find the time, motivation and energy to learn to code or be a graphic/ web designer or whatever skill will guarantee that I donāt have a heart attack every time someone says,Ā āHey, you got a sec?ā
So, as a zombie dad, most days I wake up late, trying to get every last second of āsleepā that I can, roll out of bed, shove someĀ āfoodā in my face and rush off to work (usually without showering, shaving, brushing teeth or any thing resembling self care or hygiene). Gross, I know. And believe me, Iām not boasting here. I live in a state of constant embarrassment of myself. But may I remind you... zombie.
Then I sit in pain for 8 hrs at a job I donāt care for (but am beyond grateful for) and am afraid to lose, hop in my almost broken vehicle & head home to eat a delicious meal made by my beautiful, loving wife. Try not to take the disappointment in my childrenās eyes to heart when I tell them I canāt play with them because Iām too tired and in too much pain. Get them down to bed and instead of using the remaining hour or so to do something productive, I fall asleep while watching Parks & Rec through for the 100th time because itās funny and I need as much levity and release as I can get. Then Iām on the night shift (usually up 2 or 3 times a night getting bottles, changing diapers, rocking back to sleep, etc) and doing it again the next day. Worn out. Run Down. Scraping by, dragging my broken down body through the motions of aĀ ālife.ā
Geez... He makes it look so EASY and fun...
Now, youāre not gonna believe me, but I SWEAR Iām not complaining. Seriously. Just explaining where Iām at these days. Setting the stage, painting the backdrop, giving you some context. I REALLY do try not to complain because as I said, I know it could be way worse and I really am grateful for the good things I DO have and if this is the price for those things and people, Iāll do it again and again.Ā
But do you see what I mean? Some might say, you donāt shower every day? You donāt brush your teeth regularly? But in my mind and body, Iām just too tired and donāt have time. Last year I broke two back molars in half chewing on gum. Yup, gum. And I lived with that for 6 months because I couldnāt get them fixed because I didnāt have insurance because I didnāt have a job. Seems like a legitimate reason versus a lame excuse.
But I know other people who are going to school full time, while working 2 jobs who seldom see their family let alone get time to play with them. Making do with less and seemingly more put-together than I am. So am I just making excuses then? I mean, have you SEEN this kid?!
Now, I know I shouldnāt compare myself to others. I know everyoneās got their own challenges and I should only compare myself to the best version of myself. But thatās just the thing. I AM comparing myself to myself. And Iām not even CLOSE.Ā
Itās not that Iām dissatisfied with life. Itās not that I just want more money (though that couldnāt hurt) or a bigger house or power or fame. I really only want enough to care for my family and some extra to help others out. Itās more of a discontent with who I am as a person. Iām not as nice as Iād like to be. Iām not as skilled as Iād like to be. Iām not as humble as Iād like to be. The list goes on... Literally. I have a list. A back log of ideas I want to try, things I want to learn, skills I want to have and put to use, people I want to help.
Basically, I have bad health, bad financial situation, no career, super awesome self esteem, fragile mental health, and not much of a social life.
Iām changing. This WAS me.Ā
Iām on a journey to finally achieve everything Iāve been putting off and become the best version of me. And I hope youāll join me on the trip because I hope to learn from all this and I hope that someone somewhere can learn something as well. Even if thatās what NOT to do (Hey man, if it helps SOMEbody, I consider it a success and worth any effort).
So, follow along. Iāll share what I can along the way. And make sure to let me know how I can help you achieve YOUR goals too! Until later!
